Corrupt A Wish

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I'm sure you survived, last week. That's something.
Can't necessarily say the same for you next week though.
Or even this week, maybe? Who knows.

I wish someone would make DCEU movies great again.

Granted. It's a shame what had to happen first: that complex chain of lawsuits which mean DC and Warner won't be able to use Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman and two dozen other major characters for the next twenty years. At least. But the Aquaman movies are all EXCELLENT.

I wish it wasn't still snowing here.

Granted. It is now an ice storm.

I wish the weather here wouldn't change.

Granted. If it was raining when you formulated your wish, it rains perpetually, non-stop. Better be ready to handle the floods. If it was snowing, everything will be covered in perpetually falling snow, eventually compacting into a kilometres-thick permafrost. If there wasn’t any kind of precipitation in progress, good luck—the soil will dry up forever and you’ll find yourself in a desert.

I wish I could afford to gorge myself on rice and molten cheese every day, both economically and dietetically.

Granted but now the only thing you can ever eat is rice and cheese and you must eat your own weight in it every day to survive.

I wish housing was more affordable

Granted. A worldwide dictatorship emerges and covers the whole surface of the Earth, including ocean floors, in tiny, miserable shacks built with forced labor. The curious tendency of people to die pretty quickly after moving into one of those shacks only makes them all the more affordable , especially the underwater ones!

I wish a certain someone won't find out about something I'm stupidly doing right now, which can't easily be stopped and will prevent me from getting much sleep tonight.

Granted. Congrats on your hidden cocaine habit!

I wish I had a job and didn't have to pay taxes.

granted but your job is working for a corrupt corporation (reason why you dont pay taxes) and you are always stressed in fear of being arrested


i wish i had unlimited money

Granted. Though you had to work the street corner to earn it.

I wish I had a cold Vernors

Granted. You now have a can of Vernors frozen in thee feet of solid ice which you are now floating on.

I wish it was easy to maintain a healthy weight.

Granted. You moved to Ethiopia and died.

I wish I was with my girlfriend.

Granted you both die and a buried together. ( ps. Dying Doesn’t make give you a healthy weight)

I wish I had a real, living, healthy boyfriend who was kind, loving, responsible, and always good to me.

Your lack of wish has caused a disturbance the the flux of the universe. Suddenly a giant volcano hidden just under the surface of the water explodes covering the entire earth and black soot. No sunlight can penetrate the soot. No one can breath without getting soot in their lungs. Acid rain falls from the suet filled skies poisoning all water supplies. All of humanity dies because of your lack of wish. I hope you’re happy.

I wish granting my wish would not involve anyone dying.

Granted. Noöne needs to die to grant your wish, but instead, someone who otherwise faced certain death is prevented from dying. And the otherwise certain death is because someone else wanted them dead and had played their cards with the skill and devotion of an expert assassin. They know their beautifully orchestrated assassination was foiled only because of your silly wish, and they're not happy.

They're determined to make you rue the day you thought up that wish. Now, it'd be pretty boring if we just saved one life, once, wouldn't it? So the mark, the assassin and you are rendered immortal. The assassin loses all interest in the mark, and locks you in a cage, in a house in the middle of the woods. Since neither of you can die, they relish torturing you in ever more creative and agonizing ways, for eternity.

I wish I didn't have to stay for about a year where I'm now if I don't want to lose my security deposit.

The Governmental Housing Agency has decided that you do NOT have to stay at your current residence.

You are hereby granted a new domicile, complete with a full- time job.

You are now, officially President Trump’s bodyguard and press secretary;
You shall be at his side at all times.

You shall protect him from all real or imagined threats, and live in the White House, taste all his food and drink, sleep in a recliner outside of his bedroom door.