Tell a joke!

Post Reply New Topic

What did the snail say when it climbed on the turtle's back?







Wheeeeeeee!! !

What's the difference between a circus and a brothel?

A circus has a cunning array of stunts!

Ok. This guy and his buddy walk into a bar. The guy says to the bartender,

"Bartender, I bet you $100 that I can piss from here into a glass at the other end of the bar and not spill a drop!"

Of course, the bartender sees an easy hundred bucks and sets up a glass at the end of the bar. Our confident better unzips his pants and pees haphazardly all over the vicinity of the cup. Clearly satisfied with the outcome, the bartender starts wiping up the mess as the guy hands over the money.

The bartender notices that the guy is also smiling.

"Why are you so happy? You just lost a hundred bucks!"

The guy replies,

"Well you see, I bet my friend here $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you'd clean it up with a smile on your face!"

Another, on the same note as Highland_Storm's joke.

Q: What is the difference between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with the runs?

A: The oyster shucker shucks between fits.

On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts
from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head,
and said, "I bet I know what it is....some flowers."
"That's right!" said the boy. "But how did you know?"
"Just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher
held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it
is...a box of candy."
"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it
over her head but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage
with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching
another drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied.
The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"

after having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, british scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

not to be outdone by the british, in the weeks that followed, a scottish archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the edinburgh times read:

"scottish archaeologists, finding traces of 200-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had a telephonic communications network 100 years earlier than the british".

one week later, the dublin courier in ireland reported the following:
"after digging as deep as 30 feet in the main street of dublin, irish archaeologists have found no trace of copper wire. . they have therefore concluded that 300 years ago, ireland had already gone wireless".

The staff at a local United Way office realised that it
had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer.
The person in charge of contributions called him to
persuade him to contribute and said, "Our research shows
that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give
not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to
the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, Did your research also show that my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several
times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."
"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out
an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that
my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's
voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with
three children?"
The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten,
said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't
give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

^^ May I please ask, what has four wheels and flies?



^^ A garbage truck.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it couldn't fly to the other side.

I found it hard to take the Pope's mass. Though, to be fair, I was only 12.

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with
a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric
characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) she wore short skirts
and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to
die for. The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to have the
various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost
items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming
the most popular with gentlemen in particular was rasin bread, which was
kept on the uppermost shelf. One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a
loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder and
then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had
wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No, he replied but it is
beginning to twitch just a little."

A guy from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in
California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The
male bear dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer
managed to escape. He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and
told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see
what was going on. Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that
the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So
one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.So the other
Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate
his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told
you that the Czech is in the male?"

last tuesday, president obama got off the helicopter in front of
the white house carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

the AS marine guard snapped to attention and saluted and said:

"nice pigs, sir."


the president replied: "these are not pigs. these are authentic
arkansas razorback hogs. i got one for secretary of state hillary
clinton, and i got one for speaker of the house nancy pelosi."

the AS marine again snapped to attention and saluted and said,

"excellent trade, sir."