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Golf and Public Restroom Similarities

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

these golfers were in a hurry to finish and eat lunch, so they played through by taking a shortcut through a farmer's field, and the farmer caught them trampling over some of his veggies, but he was a good sport, and he invited the hungry golfers in for lunch. they had quite a meal, in which the farmer served the golfers some "mashie" potatoes.
ok, it was a lousy one but don't blame me, i remember hearing it as a child on "rocky and bullwinkle."

at the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
while the tax agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "i notice you buy a lot of bandages. what do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"good question," noted the CFO. "we save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"oh" replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. but on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"what about all these plaster purchases? what do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"ah, yes" replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "we save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"i see" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"well" he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"here, too, we do not waste" answered the CFO. "what we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

An autistic man boarded a jetliner that was getting ready to take off from New York and land in Hawaii. His seat was beside a neurotypical gentleman that he didn't know.

The plane took off, and after awhile, the pilot said over the loudspeaker, "Passengers, if I may have your attention. We have lost an engine. But don't panic. This plane can fly just fine on three engines, but we will be a half hour later getting into Hawaii."

An hour passed and the pilot came back on the loudspeaker, "Attention passengers, I regret to inform you that we have lost another engine. But don't worry, this plane can fly on two engines, but we will be an extra hour getting into Hawaii."

As the plane headed out over the Pacific Ocean, the pilot came back on and said, "Passengers, we have lost the third engine, but I am confident I can fly this plane in on one engine. We will be two extra hours getting into Hawaii."

The neurotypical man said to the autistic man, "I sure hope we don't lose that other engine, or we'll be up here all night."

Teacher: do you know the molecular formula for sodium hydride?
Student: NaH.

Late one night a neurotypical man was driving toward the bridge to cross the river. But the bridge was closed for repairs. The nearest bridge to cross the river was 50 miles away. He didn't know what to do. So he asked an autistic man who just happened to be standing next to the bridge.

The neurotypical man asked, "I need to get home over there (pointing across the river), but I don't want to drive 50 miles to get to that other bridge...what can I do?"

The autistic man pulled out a flashlight and replied, "I tell you what, I will shine this flashlight across the river and you can drive across the beam."

"Oh no...I'm not falling for that," the neurotypical man said, "I'll get half way across and you'll turn the flashlight off."

What do I think of message boards?

I'm forum!

There were two statues standing in a park, one female and the other male. They faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

I watched the trailer for The Social Network today. I liked it.

LOL
I like puns like this one.

In that case, here's a piece of advice for you. Advi.

what were the puns? i did not understand the humor.

anyway, i just thought of a joke that i have not ran past my NT friend sonia yet, so i have no idea whether it is funny or not. it is an obvious joke that i am sure must have been thought of before.

did you hear about the socially anxious person who was advised to drink 20 nips of alcohol?
the result was staggering.

4 people also like this pun

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?