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What goes "pat" 99 times then "bonk"?

A centipiede with a wooden leg.

A man knocked at the door and a woman answered. ''I've got a special delivery for you,'' said the man, then punched her in the face and said, ''that's for walking into my house the other day and treading mud in!'' The woman shut the door crossly, then heard another knock. It was another man, also saying, ''I've got a special delivery for you.'' The woman was about to shut the door quickly because she had a feeling it was the same thing - which it was: he punched her in the face and said, ''that's for walking on all the flowers in my garden yesterday!'' The woman shut the door again, crossly. Then a third man knocked at the door. The woman wouldn't answer it this time, but she heard the man say, ''I've got a special delivery for you.'' The woman shouted, ''go away!'' The man said, ''if you don't open this door you won't get your special delivery.'' The woman sat down and refused to answer the door because she knew what this man was going to do. But he kept knocking so she looked through the letterbox and saw he was holding a parcel in his hands, so she heaved a sigh of relief and opened the door. Kindly the man gave it to her - then punched her in the face and said, ''that's for keeping me waiting!''


How do you get blood out of a stone?
I don't know - ask the British government!



A confused teenager came home from her new boyfriend's house one day and asked, ''Mum, do babies come out the same place where boys put their penises in?'' Pleased her daughter was curious, her Mum said, ''yes, dear.''
''So when I have a baby, it will come out of my mouth?'' the teenager asked.

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

It is cold today! I had to use my Tesco Clubcard to scrape the snow off my windscreen!

Didn't work though, only got 10% off.

What did the caterpiller say when it saw a butterfly?


"You'll never get ME into one of THOSE!"

The only 2 I know who have stayed together after all the s**t that come between them are my bum cheeks!

A man asks a woman in a bar, ''do you want to do some magic?'' The woman says, ''how do we do that?'' And the man replies, ''we go to my house and f**k, then you disappear!''

The doctor said to a patient, ''I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you have three months to live.'' Shocked, the patient said, ''well what's the good news, doctor?'' The doctor replied, ''the good news is, you see that really beautiful nurse over there with the big tits? I'm shagging her tonight!''

Disclaimer: These jokes may be offensive to some people. They in no way reflect my views on the people or groups involved,
















What was the name of the show involving real footage of people having sex with animals?
It's not reality - it's the best-iality.

A gay man, a bisexual man, and the bisexual's girlfriend lived together. The girlfriend came home and saw a white stain on the window. She asked "what's this?" The gay man said "I farted."

A priest and a rabbi were walking together when they saw a little kid. The priest said "Let's f*** him." The rabbi said "out of what?"

An Italian, a Jew, and a homosexual died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would send each of them back to Earth for a month - and that if they behaved they could get into heaven. If not, they would go to hell. The Italian immediately went to a bakery and ate like a pig. He went to hell for his gluttony. The Jew saw a quarter and bent down. Both he and the homosexual went to hell.

What's the difference between a stripper and a lazy slob?
The stripper's working bare, the lazy slob's barely working!

a pair of economists were in a nudist colony, and one says to the other, "have you read marx?" and the other man replies, "yeah, it comes from sitting in those wicker chairs."

think about it for a while.

I got that one straight away


I can't remember if I've already done this joke or not:-

Why did the grim reaper go to have a hearing test?
He was death (deaf)



What did the willy say to the pants?
''My neighbour is a nutcase!''

Woman (watching people playing ''Simon Says'' for the first time): That Simon sounds like a control freak to me.

Brain-teaser: If the weather man said, ''it's going to be 0 tomorrow, then twice as cold on Wednesday'', what would it be Wednesday?

Why did the man punch the lollypop lady?
She made him cross.

I saw
An eye saw.
It made my eye sore.
I look an eyesaw.

How do you cause rage on a ship?
Take the P out of a pirate and he will become irate.

A man was sunbathing in the buff at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself".

Whats the difference between a Ferrari and a bag of dead babies?

There's no Ferrari in my garage.

What did the sink say to the toilet?
''You're full of s**t!''

what did the toilet plunger say to the sink plunger?
"you think YOU got it bad?"

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "Woof! My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!". The cat says, "Meow! my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "Schwing! At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"