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Three doctors walk into a bar, still in their scrubs, looking very panicked.

Doctor 1: "I need a pint of blood, fast!"

Doctor 2: "I need a pint of blood too!"

Doctor 3: "I need a pint of plasma!"

Bartender: "OK, that's two Bloods and a Blood Lite!"

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...
'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Worst joke of all time? Knock! knock! Who's there? Doctor! Doctor Who...

rim shot

Some statistics.

On average each person has one fallopian tube.

16% percent of jenga games are played on 9/11.

1/4 kids with the initals ADD have it.

4/4 kids with the intials ADHD have a mom who just couldn't be normal and take the dad's bloody last name!!

1/44 u.s. presidents can dunk.

20% of the Jackson Five would... on second though that it's too soon.

Why'd the chef get arrested?

He was caught beating an egg.

A penguin had to take his car for engine repair.

The mechanic told the penguin to leave his car with him for about two hours, to find out whats wrong.

The penguin goes across the street to a grocery store, climbs into a freezer and ate vanilla ice cream.

When the two hours was up the penguin went back to the garage to find out what happened to his car.

When the penguin entered the garage, the mechanic looked at him and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "NO way, thats vanilla ice-cream!"

rim shot ["ta dum dum"]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto turn in for the evening out on the plains. After a few hours, Tonto suddenly nudges the Lone Ranger until he awakens. Tonto says, with alarm in his voice "Look up! What do you see?"
The Lone Ranger looks up and says "I see the nighttime sky."
Tonto nods and says "So what does that tell you?"
The Lone Ranger thinks about it for a moment, then says "Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions or even billions of stars and planetary systems in our galaxy. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is currently in Leo. Theologically, I feel the sky suggests that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Time-wise, from the position of the moon, I'd say it's about 11:45pm. And meteorlogically, from the clarity of the sky, I'd say we're in for a great day of weather tomorrow. Why, Tonto? What does the nighttime sky tell you?"
Tonto replies "It tells me somebody stole our tent, you jackass!"

My girlfriend said she didn't like the way my ball bag slaps her arse when we have sex.

She's right. The school sports cupboard is a little cramped.





I had a surprise when using a 'disabled toilet' today,

I found it worked fine.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

this old retired pediatrician was cleaning out his medical office, when he came upon a formaldahyde-filled jar of all the foreskins he lopped-off in his 40 years of practicing pediatric medicine, and he thought to himself that it would be a waste if these foreskins could not be made into something useful, so he called upon a taxidermist associate to see what he could do with them. a week later, the taxidermist handed the good pediatrician a wallet, and the disappointed doctor exclaimed, "only a WALLET from all those foreskins?" to which the taxidermist replied, "relax, doc- if you rub it, it turns into a briefcase."

Troy McClure, talking about getting a part in a movie:

I laughed my ass off.

That was on an episode of The Simpsons in case you don't know him.

And in case you don't get it, "Smellin' of Troy" is a play on the Helen of Troy.

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."