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It's just that I read about an Indian epic involving that sort of plot. That noble family is forced to go into exile (the gambling was fixed by the noble's rivals). When the family returns from exile, carnage follows.

Weeeaaabooo alert , weeaboo alert!! !

Just kidding.

Dante's Inferno indeed.

Bedtime, I'm worn out and tired.

Goodnight.

So, this morning I was doing my usual server maintenance (read: turning servers on and off at random), when I got a GM call from a player.

A player named Sefferoth.

GM Call Description: I'm too stupid to live. Feed me to a dragon.

Okay, so that's not exactly what it said. But with a name like that, he was practically asking for it.

Suddenly, I was struck by an idea, an epiphany. Suddenly, a marvelous, beautiful, terrible thing laid itself out before my mind.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

I did a quick server search, selected the appropriate players and warped them all to Mordion Gaol.

*warpaga*

And there they stood, a legion of morons with Sephiroth rip off names. A legion of players with a base IQ just above that of a cheese sandwich.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you 're all too stupid to come up with your own name.
[GM]Dave>> We're not sure if this is due to naturally low IQ
[GM]Dave>> Or being dropped as a child.
[GM]Dave>> Results are pending.
[GM]Dave>> Does anyone have any questions?
Seppiroth>> Why are we all here?

Jormungand hits Seppiroth for 9,693 points of damage.
Seppiroth was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Any more questions?
[GM]Dave>> Anybody?
Sefirot>> You can't do this!

Jormungand hits Sefirot for 8,751 points of damage.
Sefirot was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Anybody else?
Seppheroth>> That wasn't a question.

Jormungand hits Seppheroth for 9,226 points of damage.
Seppheroth was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> Neither was that.
[GM]Dave>> Any more questions?

*silence*

[GM]Dave>> Good.
[GM]Dave>> Alright, you are all about to take part in a new event.
[GM]Dave>> One of you has been given an "S" Egg item.
[GM]Dave>> You have also all been set to PvP.
[GM]Dave>> Whoever has the "S" Egg at the end, gets to keep their name.
[GM]Dave>> Everyone else gets their character deleted.

I wonder how stupid these people really are.

[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Sseferroth>> So all we do is find the egg?

Jormungand hits Sseferroth for 9,148 points of damage.
Sseferroth was defeated by Jormungand.

[GM]Dave>> So... no questions, I assume.
[GM]Dave>> Good. Go.

After that, Mordion Gaol became complete anarchy. N00bs killing n00bs. Abbreviations and misspellings gave way to screams of pain.

I almost cried it was so beautiful.

I really should have given one of those idiots an "S" Egg.

So, I left them to their little event and warped to the next Mordion Gaol room.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurers.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you 're all too stupid to come up with your own name.
[GM]Dave>> Are there any questions?
Clowd>> Why are we all here?

Damn, I love this job some days.

Invictus, by William Ernest Henley. I'm no expert on poetry either.

Night all, for the last time.

I Am SO Scared

Alternate Title: "I'm shaking in my foot gear."

Why do people feel the need to challenge me?

Why?

It is so overwhelmingly stupid to constantly see morons trying to call me out. As if their pathetic, pedantic little challenges would worry me.

The only thing these childish ramblings do is prove how ret*d you really are.

Why would a GM take time out to warp to your server at your request?

I wouldn't do that. I prefer random acts of cruelty.

It takes all the fun out of it if they know you're coming.

I prefer to deal with natural stupidity. You know, that n00bish behavior that makes Vana'diel harder to live in.

You idiots trying to impress everyone with your "manliness" is just plain sad.

And the best part is that everyone knows it. Everyone who reads your comments laughs at the little fools trying to act tough.

You can't hang with me.

Imagine a four year old ran up and challenged you to a fight. Would you even bother?

Of course not. And that's why I don't bother with your pathetic, little challenges. You are so far beneath me that they are laughable, at best.

Today, though, I decided to see what one of these little punks could do.

I figured it would be good for a laugh.

Luckily, I didn't have to wait long for one of them to show up.

GM Call Description: We want to challenge [GM]Dave to a fight.

I mean how stupid could you be?

Why not GM Call Description: We want to challenge Evander Holyfield to a boxing match?

You're outclassed. Don't you realize that?

So, I warp over to their server. I don't want to embarass them (more than I did), so I won't tell you what server it was.

I will tell you that it begins with an 'S'.

And rhymes with Shiva.

[GM]Dave>> Hello, Adventurer.
[GM]Dave>> Apparently, you are considering suicide.
Player>> No way, loser.
Player>> We want to fight your fake GM ass.
[GM]Dave>> I'm not sure if my ass is targetable.
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Also, my ass doesn't have a ballista license.
[GM]Dave>> It did finish the mentor quest, though.
Player>> We know you can't ban us.
Player>> And now, we're gonna kick your ass.
[GM]Dave>> I don't have a mirror...
[GM]Dave>> But I doubt my ass looks very worried.
Player>> Then you'll fight me?
[GM]Dave>> What do you mean "me"?
[GM]Dave>> I thought you had a whole group.
Player>> You want to fight all of us?!
[GM]Dave>> It wouldn't be worth the effort just to fight you.
Player>> You son of a b***h!
[GM]Dave>> Oh.
[GM]Dave>> You know my mom, then.
Player>> We're ready when you are, punk.

Now, that's where his already poor logic really started to fail him.

Why would you taunt someone who has already agreed to fight you? That's just not wise.

And taunting me?

Oh... the fun I was gonna have.

[GM]Dave>> Where do you want to fight?
[GM]Dave>> Choose any area you like.
Player>> How about Mordion Gaol?

Okay, now he'd just gone plain ret*d.

What was his plan should he, by some miracle, win?

"Hey! We won! WE WO... How the hell do we get out of here?"

[GM]Dave>> Why not? Any other requests?
[GM]Dave>> Want me to just kill you and save us both some time?
Player>> You know we could win.
[GM]Dave>> It's possible.
Player>> HA!
[GM]Dave>> I could die of a heart attack.
Player>> You jerk!
[GM]Dave>> Sticks and stones may break my bones...
[GM]Dave>> But you'll still be ret*d.
Player>> Let's go then, b***h.
[GM]Dave>> Can I ask you a question first?
Player>> What?
[GM]Dave>> Is it hard to play with your head up your ass?

So, I warp him and his friends to Mordion Gaol.

A quick perusal of their gear and weapons indicated that these guys meant business. All level 75s with some of the best items in the game.

And then they started to check me.

Player>> HAHAHA!
[GM]Dave>> Yes?
Player>> What's with the delay on your Great Sword?
[GM]Dave>> It is a little high, I suppose.
Player>> High?!
Player>> You'll only get one swing a minute.
[GM]Dave>> Scared yet?
Player>> Hardly.
Player>> You'll be dead before your third swing.
[GM]Dave>> We'll see.
Player>> Everyone will.
Player>> I'm running Fraps.

JACKPOT!

[GM]Dave>> Thank you for telling me that.
Player>> ... What?
[GM]Dave>> Fraps is technically a third party program.
[GM]Dave>> I'm going to have to review your account for banning.
Player>> You can't do that!
[GM]Dave>> Are you sure?

That's when they charged me. All 6 of them came in swinging. It was a hectic flurry of blades and lances.

And zeros.

[GM]Dave>> Did I mention this armor reduces all damage to 0?
Player>> Oh GAWD!
[GM]Dave>> Is it my turn now?

I pulled out my Great Sword and swung at the moron's friend, the Paladin.

Who promptly disappeared.

Player>> Where did he go?
Player>> We could have raised him!
[GM]Dave>> I doubt it.
[GM]Dave>> My sword just deleted his character.
Player>> WHAT?!
[GM]Dave>> I'll get to you soon.
[GM]Dave>> Damn the delay on this sword.

The hectic flurry continued after that, but instead of weapons, it was a flurry of bodies as they tried to get away.

I spent the next 5 minutes chasing down all of his friends and hitting them with the good old banstick.

Can you imagine watching years of game time, years of hard work and level grinding, going up in the quick slash of a Great Sword?

I'm guessing that would suck.

So, I left my "challenger" for last. I use quotation marks because it's not like any adventurer would present a challenge.

Player>> What are you going to do to me?
Player>> Are you going to delete my character?
[GM]Dave>> Nope.
Player>> Really?
[GM]Dave>> That would be too good for you.
[GM]Dave>> Let's go to Jeuno.

*warp*

Player>> What are we doing?
[GM]Dave>> Well, you just opened a bazaar.
Player>> No, I didn't.
[GM]Dave>> I'd check again if I were you.
[GM]Dave>> Great prices, too.
Player>> You BASTARD!
[GM]Dave>> I didn't think anyone would sell a Hauberk for 1 gil.
Player>> Ohmygodohmygodohmygod
[GM]Dave>> And a Kirin's Osode.
[GM]Dave>> Hey! A Kraken Club!
Player>> Please don't do it
Player>> pleasepleasepleaseplease
[GM]Dave>> Actually, I'm going to buy that one myself.

[GM]Dave makes a purchase from your bazaar.

Player>> I $%&!^&* HATE YOU!
[GM]Dave>> I assumed you would.
[GM]Dave>> You'll notice that you can't move.
[GM]Dave>> Or logout.
[GM]Dave>> You'll also find you can't even DC.
Player>> $%$@^%&*^%&&*#^#$^%
[GM]Dave>> Such language.
[GM]Dave>> Tsk, tsk, tsk.

It was funny watching him stand there as the vultures started to loot his possessions.

And then reloading his bazaar from his mogsafe.

[GM]Dave>> Whoops!
[GM]Dave>> Dropped your Rajas Ring.
Player>> I'M GOING TO @$#%$*& KILL YOU!
[GM]Dave>> Didn't we already play that game?
[GM]Dave>> As I recall, I won.

After everything he owned had been sold (and he had made almost 100 gil), I finally let him log out.

Now, that's worse than a ban. A ban means you are unable to play.

My way left him able to play, but not without crying.

Much better.

So, before you impotent little morons try to challenge me, ask yourself what the best outcome could be.

1) you win fight, I delete your character

2) I win, I delete your character

3) I don't answer and the mess with your character data.

Do any of those sound appealing?

Seriously. Save yourself some trouble and just run a magnet over your harddrive.

Any particular places you would recommend?

I am winning. I will win. I shall win. I could win. I do win. I did win. I had won. I have won. I once won. I shall win again. I'M BORED!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !!