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How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your [privates] with it, and go for help!"

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."


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What's the difference between tennis and masturbation?

Tennis requires two rackets, one ball and two hands.

So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"
Adam replies, "The good news."
God answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain."
Then Adam says, "OK, so what's the bad news?"
And God says, "I only gave you enough blood to operate one at time."

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.

"Who was it?" he asked.

"My husband," she replied.

"I better get going," he said. "Where was he?"

"Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you."


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There is this guy who has a 25 inch thalawacker. He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make it smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big, he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his willy will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his dork shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys willy shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big. But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!! !

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town out in the country. She orders the chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Well these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking so they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over and the second country boy starts licking his butt. The women watches these two go at it and is grossed out. She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his overalls back up and says to the other, "You're right Leroy, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm."

a preist, a rabbie, and a shamen walk in a bar, and the bartender says...what is this some kind of joke?

How does Good King Wenceslas order his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.

what state has a weiner roast going on?
hint- albany is its capitol.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

I brought a new deodorant stick today. The instructions read: ''Remove the wrapper and push up bottom''. It's made it mighty difficult to walk but at least when I fart the room smells nice.

How can you tell if a man is married?
His shirt he is wearing will be ironed.

Three men were standing by a mirror. The first man decides to have some fun and so says, ''mirror mirror on the wall, make me look hunky with big pecks and thick black hair.'' The mirror flashes and gives the man a hunky look with big pecks and a full head of black hair. The second man says, ''mirror mirror on the wall, make me taller.'' The mirror flashes, and the man is a 6-footer. The third man said, ''mirror mirror on the wall, make my penis touch the ground.'' The mirror flashes and both his legs disappear.

Two buzzards were getting on an airliner with a deer carcass.

"You can't bring that on the plane," said the stewardess.

"Yes we can," said the buzzards, "it's carrion."

What do you call beer made by a jew? It's he-brewed.

Why does it take longer to make a blond snowman?
You have to scoop out his head!