The Really Bad Advice Thread

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Most piranhas are vegetarians. if you don't believe me try stuffing your hand into the mouth of every piranha you see.

behave like person 2 who is a winner.
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person 1: i just won a million bucks!! !

person 2: wow. i'm so sorry for you.

person 1: why?

person 2: because now you must be lamenting that you have insufficient intelligence in order to control that amount of money.

person 1: sorry?

person 2: you now have more dollars than neurons! does that not daunt you? i mean if you bought everything you can think of, you'd still have a lot of change.

person 1: you're a rude assh*le.

person 2: maybe your first investments should be in mind improvement classes and elocution lessons. at least that would equip you to intelligibly voice your displeasure.

person 1: do you want a smack in the mouth?!?!?

person 2: why ask me? i might lie. why not hire a psychic to tell you the truth? you have enough cash to buy your way out of your unanswerable quandaries now my bewildered friend.

person 2: [punches person 1 in head (in view of cctv's)]

person 1: now that million dollars is mine!! it is the least that a court would award me from your ill begotten estate in restitution for your carnal folly . a fool and his money are soon parted my friend. good afternoon.

If someone you don't know very well asks you how you are tell them the truth! They are most probably genuinely concerned about you and not just doing it to conform to social cues.

Always play your music at maximum volume. You don't want to miss any of the minor things in the background.

I actually did that to someone once. They regretted asking.

Yes and if you start to hear a ringing sound in your ears then you need to find a way of making the music louder to drown it out. I personally recommend strapping two sub woofers to your head and playing them up as loud as it takes.

Walk really, really slowly in the hallways?especially if someone's behind you. If you walk any faster, they might think you're running away from some unseen threat and start panicking!

Everyone find farts hilarious.

If you're out driving on the highway and a cop behind you puts his lights on, promptly swerve to either side while stomping the brake pedal as hard as you can. If you're lucky you can get behind him and follow him.

Hold a belching contest at the Rotary Club.

If there is a fire in the building you are in, use the elevator to quickly escape to safety and make sure you don't leave any valuables behind.

If you hear the fire alarm go off, find either the fire extinguisher or, preferably, the fire hose.

Immediately spray everything and everyone in the room, for safety's sake.

If you're a college student and have a low stress tolerance, take the maximum number of credits a semester; that way, you'll get it over with sooner.

Always stand directly behind a horse

Wear either a yellow polka-dot bikini or a Speedo everywhere.

If you hate the water, I suggest that you swim across the ocean to the UK.

Unsaturated Polyester resin is great for use in cakes.