Tell a joke!

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OK this is an old military joke, c. WWI.


At the lineup for new recruits, a young man bursts through the door. He runs up to the front of the line and demands to join up immediately.

The desk clerk, impressed by the young man's obvious patriotism says, "Don't worry, young man, we'll have you on the front lines in no time!"

The young man blanches and says, "You mean this isn't the line to join the French Foreign Legion?"

How did Napoleon keep his armies warm?

Sleevsies!


M.

One time I had to go to a funeral at 6 AM. I shouldn't have been there. I'm not a mourning person.

How does a witch get fit?
She does her hexercise!



What does a lithographer suffer from ?
Creative block!

What do you call drugs from London?

London Drugs!

Q- what did the elephant say to the naked man?
A- how do ya breathe through that thing?

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother
asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the
bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then
remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,
and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.
It says: "Thank you for the picture.
Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma

Q: What's worst then finding a worm in your apple?

A: Rape.

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see

the "upturn".

"I think you mean the 'intern', don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination;

fraternity, maternity - what's the difference? All I know is I haven't
demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

Dog owner takes her St Bernard to the Vet as it hasn't been eating for a few days. So the Vet picks it up to examine it's stomach, then looks in it's mouth and down it's throat and says 'Sorry, but I'm going to have to put him down!'

The women distraught, with tears rolling her cheeks, gasps, 'But why?'

'Because he's so bloody heavy!' Groans the Vet.

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there
was a gorgeous blonde eating at the next table.
He had been checking her out all night, but lacked
the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying
out of her socket towards the man. With his quick
reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as
she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me
buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and
afterwards the woman invited him back to her place
for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she
brought him into the bedroom and began undressing
him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many
times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already
gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!"

What do you call a giant with carrots in his ears?
Anything you want, he can't hear you.

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215 yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 7 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn't the right club, "That's not enough club; you need at least a 5 iron." Jesus responded, "No, I saw Arnold Palmer play this hole the other day and he put a 7 iron five feet from the pin and sank the putt for a birdie." Moses said, "I'm telling you, that's not enough club!"

Jesus hit the ball into the water. He parted the water, walked out and got the ball, smoothed out the water and teed up again. Moses said, "I told you that was not enough club; you need at least a 5 iron." Jesus said, "This will be fine -- remember what I said about Arnold Palmer." Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. As Moses looked on in disgust, Jesus got his ball and teed it up for yet another try.

About that time the next foursome was approaching the tee and one of the golfers in the new foursome said, "What's he doing hitting a 7 iron on this hole? He needs at least a 5 iron. Who does he think he is, JESUS CHRIST?" "Actually, he IS Jesus Christ," replied Moses, "He THINKS he's Arnold Palmer!"

What's the difference between a blond and a mosquito?

If you slap the mosquito it stops sucking.

A duck walks into a bar and asks the attendant for some bread.

"We don't have bread," says the attendant..."just drinks."

Duck says: "OK...can I have some bread?"

Attendant says: "No bread...just drinks..what'll it be?"

Duck says: "Hmmm...so..can I have some bread please?"

Attendant says: "Listen mate! We only sell drinks! If you ask for bread again, I'll nail you to the wall!! !"

Duck asks: "Do you have any nails?"

Attendant replies: "NO!! JUST DRINKS!! !"

Duck says: "OK then...can I have some bread?"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, a joke??"