What's Your Line?

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"The past is just a story we tell ourselves."

Samantha in Her.

Sheldon: "You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift, you've given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. Ah, it's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life......"

"The Big Bang Theory"

Leonard: "I'm just saying, you catch more flies with honey then with vinegar."
Sheldon: "You catch even more with manure, what's your point?"

"The Big Bang Theory"

"Give us The Precious."

Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

James Hacker: Who else is in this department?
Sir Humphrey: Well briefly sir I am the Permanent Undersecretary of State known as the Permanent Secretary, Wooley here is your Principle Private Secretary I too have a Principle Private Secretary, and he is the Principle Private Secretary to the Permanent Secretary, directly responsible to me are ten Deputy Secretaries, eighty-seven Undersecretaries and two hundred and nineteen assistant secretaries, directly responsible to the Principle Private Secretaries are Plain Private Secretaries, and the Prime Minister will be appointing two Parliamentary Undersecretaries and you will be appointing your own Parliamentary Private Secretary.
James Hacker: Can they all type?
Sir Humphrey: None of us can type Minister, Mrs McKay types, she's the secretary.

Yes, Minister/Yes, Prime Minister

"I never realized how boring this game is."

Homer Simpsons, seeing a Baseball game sober for the first time in The Simpsons.

Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: Yeah?
Sheldon: Your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.

"The Big Bang Theory"

"This isn't a joke. It's a visual gag."

Yakko in Animaniacs.

Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.

"The Big Bang Theory"

"FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night."

Sheldon in The Big Bang Theory.

Dr. Ellingham: Ah, Elaine. Any chance of making me a cup of tea?

Elaine: Make it yourself. I'm not the tea girl.

Dr. Ellingham: As you can see, I have patients waiting.

Elaine: Well, best go faster then.

Dr. Ellingham: White, no sugar.

"Doc Martin"

"Would 60 gallons be sufficient?"

Robby the Robot in Forbidden Planet.

Chris: Maurice J. Minnifield, our generous host, friend, and employer. I'm sure I join everyone in saying thank you for these very fine eats and drinks. You are a real American. You're an ex-marine and astronaut, you are America. You're rich, you're rapacious, you're progress without a conscience, paving everything in its path. You're 5% of the earth's population, yet consuming 25% of the earth's natural resources. You pay a lot of taxes, you do a lot of charity work--most of it is tax deductible, but your heart is in the right place. One thing's for certain, you have impeccable taste in the booze.

-Northern Exposure

Vinny Gambini: How could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit-eating world 20 minutes?

Mr. Tipton: Um... I'm a fast cook, I guess.

Vinny Gambini: [across beside the jury] What? I'm sorry I was over there. Did you just say you were a fast cook? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than any place on the face of the earth?

Mr. Tipton: I don't know.

Vinny Gambini: Perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? Did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

?My Cousin Vinny?

"Sark? All my functions are now yours. Take them."

MCP in Tron.

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine: A hospital? What is it?

Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

"Airplane"