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What do you call a dear with no eyes?
No eye dear (idea).

What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye dear.

What do you call a dear with no eyes, no legs and no ears?
Anything you like it can't hear you!

The next thing you'll hear from me is important.





















IMPORTANT.

A dwarf walks into a bar and orders a giraffe

The barman says "Well, that's a tall order!"

the BP oil disaster and all the crap politicking surrounding it is just one big bad joke, and it's all on US

Fortunes
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who left you a fortune!"

Upon the release of Molly Ringwald's book Getting the Pretty Back, it sold an astonishing twelve copies; a new feat in cult literature.

In the news; "Woman arrested for killing her kids whilst on holiday in Spain".

Silly b***h should have gone to Portugal, she would have got away with it there.

Divine advice!
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."

read this one carefully-

Fatherhood
An elderly couple was having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and softly said to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife dropped her head. Unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man was very shaken. With a tear in his eye he asked, "Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth. Then, finally, she said, "You."

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night, and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.

One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie.
She sits him in an armchair and gives him a back rub.

"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed?"

"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."

What did the nun say when she was asked why she was walking around naked?

























































































"It's a bad habit."

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put
up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry
and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy
with that sign, so they changed it to "Hysteria's and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign
to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High
Colonics." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and
Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds".

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Analysis and Anal
Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons
and Moons" wouldn't work either. So they finally settled
on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Two nuns were ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction from the Mother Superior was that they not get a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the nuns decided to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there came a knock at the door. "Who is it?," called one of the nuns. "The blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns looked at each other and shruged. Deciding that no harm could come from letting a blind man into the room, they opened the door. "Nice knockers, sister," said the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Q- why did the psychic chicken cross the road?
A- to get to the "other" side.

ta dum dum

How did the American chicken cross the road?
In a bucket.

Two chavs are in a car but they're not blasting music out the windows. What car is it?
A police car.

Frequently Asked Questions at the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.