The Really Bad Advice Thread

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To get lots of friends, make up a new lie every time you meet them. Don't worry about keeping your stories straight. They'll value your creativity.

To be emotionally stable, children need you to follow them everywhere staring at them, and pointing out their faults publicly and reproachfully. If they are doing something for the first time, make sure to gasp, groan and inhale sharply at crucial moments so that they know you have noticed their efforts. If there is a chance they could make a mistake, intervene by taking the tools from their hand and doing it yourself, while explaining rapidly some, but NOT ALL, of the steps involved in completing their task.
Be sure to speak constantly about everything you think all the time, especially if they are on the Spectrum. They'll thank you later for keeping them focused!

Go out of your way to rain on everyone's parade - for their own good of course.

Everyone's lying to you. Sticking a fork in the electrical outlet isn't dangerous at all; it's actually the best way to wake yourself up in the morning. Skip the coffee and grab a fork.

Dancing on the roof in an ice storm is the best fat burning exercise ever discovered!

When you go fishing, throw the fish at nearby sailboats and shout "Fishy fishy"!

I love the one about the fork!

Climb every mountain... 'Til you find your... nightmare? Wait, what? That's not how the song goes.

To quickly and easily clean ketchup [catsup] stains out of your clothes, wash them in used motor oil. If you're in a hurry to get them dry after cleaning, you can get it done in a jiffy by gently playing the flame of a blowtorch over them.

Fresh as the day you bought them in just these two simple steps!

PS: How on earth did I not see this thread before!? I haven't laughed so much for ages!

If you happen to be bullied, just ignore them, and your problems will go away!

When meeting your new love interest's family for the first time it is best to always bring a hatchet and whetstone with you. At any awkward lull in the conversation simply pull out your hatchet and start sharpening it. The soft rasping noises with add to the cozy ambience, plus his/her parents will see that you are skilled with tools and responsible in tool maintainence!

It is a good idea to wear a blindfold while driving, and you should be sure to push the gas pedal all the way down. I've also heard that it's generally appreciated if you honk your horn as much as possible.

Advice for new parents:

Estimate your babies size when it grows up and name them Small , Medium , Large , Extra Large accordingly. When they grew up they will automatically have their names sewn into their clothes.

Click on all the links

^and if it asks you to download something, just click yes.

Play music way too loudly.