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For anyone who missed Eurovision, here's what songs were played:

France- Runaway
Iceland- Ashes to ashes
Greece- Money
Germany- Rule the world
Portugal- I want my baby back
Israel- Disco inferno
U.K.- Polish national anthem

A Redneck's Guide to Computers

"Bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
"Byte" - First word in a kiss-off phrase, as in "Byte me!"
"Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
"Digital control" - What your fingers do on the TV remote.
"Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.
"Hard drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
"Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
"LAN" - To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
"Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
"Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft dead thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
"Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.
"Packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart before a trip.
"Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
"ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
"Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.

Bill Gates is the Antichrist
The full birth name of Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. Nowadays he is know as Bill Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his III, you get the following: B=66 I=73 L=76 L=76 G=71 A=65 T=84 E=69 S=83 I=1 I=1 I=1 Total = 666

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves. One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter says, "Enter." The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too. The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too." As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

i do not remember many jokes.

q: how do you get a nun pregnant?
a: dress her up as an altar boy.


anyway, here is a joke that i found funny that i always remember. i did not laugh, but i almost did and i never laugh at phrasal jokes.


3 tortoises (michael, alan and les), decide to go on a picnic. michael packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
when they get there michael unpacks the food and beer. he then says "les, give me the bottle opener."

"i didn't bring it," says les. "i thought you packed it."

michael gets worried and he asks alan, "did you bring the bottle opener??"

alan didn't bring it, so they are stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. michael and alan ask les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat the sandwiches while he is gone.

after a few hours, and after they have sworn on their lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. so les sets off down the road back to get the bottle opener.

20 days pass, and he still isn't back and michael and alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

another five days pass, and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
finally, they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to bite it, les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT BLOODY GOING!"

actually, i do not like telling jokes that other people made up.
it feels like i am just a courier.

i like to employ my own circuits to make up jokes, and i find then funny because they fail to be valid jokes.

so i decided to make up some right now in my tired and autistic state.

q: why did the lane markings on the road veer erratically off into a shopping center carpark?
a: because the driver of the line marking truck had a massive stroke.


q: why did the astrophysicist fail to accept the award at the science foundation awards night?
a: because he could not find the keys to his car.

q: why did the fly die on the windowsill?
a: because he was old.

q: why did the mormon hop down the road on one leg?
a: because he tried to to stop a revolving door with his foot.

q: why was there 2 tonnes of cabbage strewn on the highway?
a: because the cyclist who was hanging onto the back door of the truck could not hold on when the truck suddenly sped off.

god whatever i could not be bothered and i am too tired to post anything.

q: why did the idiot post garbage?
a: because he forgot to put his bin out the night before.

jokes i tell are more fun than a heart attack but less fun than a fart in one's spacesuit. that said, here goes-

these 2 dogs are sitting in the vet's office, and one named sammy has a long face, so his buddy freddy says to him, "why the long face, sammy?"
so sammy says, "you see, i was out in the park with my master one day, and i saw this cute little spaniel come undulating by me, and what she had looked so good to me that i just couldn't resist, so i bolted, jumped up and boffed her brains out. so now i'm here to get my nuts cut off."
so freddy says, "yeah, that's too bad, i know how that goes. i was watching my master take her shower, and when she stepped out of the shower dripping wet and naked, she looked so good that i just couldn't resist, so i jumped up there and boffed her brains out too."
so sammy says, "does that mean you're getting neutered also?" and so freddy says, "nah, i'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, "Whatcha got in that there sack?"

The redneck with the sack replied, "Just some chickens."

The other redneck said, "If I guess how many chickens are there in that there sack, can I have one?"

The redneck with he sack answered, "I'll give ya both of them if you get it right."

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, "Five?"

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He picked up a CD player to place in his sack,
when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."

I paid three grand for my wife to have a boob job - she was happy.

I paid four grand for her to have a nose job - she was delighted.

I treat myself to a £30 hand job at the local brothel - and she goes mad.

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven.
God greets them and says, "Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter."

After about an hour,
God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line
and only one guy in the dominant line.

"You men should be ashamed of yourselves!" God cries.
"I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women?
Can any of you explain this?"
No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says,
"Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?"

"I don't know," the guy replies, shrugging. "My wife told me to stand here."

A blond walks into a mirror

The mirror says "Haven't I seen you before?"

A blond walks into a mirror

The mirror says "You always crack me up!"

A Blond walks into a mirror

The Blond says "Hey! My twin sister is as clumsy as you!"

HE SAID.....SHE SAID

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?

She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... 'If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.'
She said...'Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too'

He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be a queen'

On wall in ladies room: 'My husband follows me everywhere'
Written just below it: 'I do not'

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.

He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
as he pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’