Tell a joke!

Post Reply New Topic

What do you call a Nazi in a ridiculous pointy hat?

Your Holiness.

I got arrested today and when told "Anything you say will be held against you", I replied "Miley Cyrus and Pixie Lott".

This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange.

He says: 'I'll have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.'

And the boy goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.' So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'

And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when I gave it a rub this genie appeared. He offered me the standard three wishes.

So I said: 'For my first wish, I'd like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the genie says: 'What will your second wish be?'

I said: 'I'd like a wallet with £1million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says: 'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?'

So I said: 'For my third wish, I'd like half my head to be a big orange.'

A man was sitting at a bar listening to a pianist playing the most beautiful music he had ever heard, but when he turned to watch the pianist play, he was no where in sight.

Puzzled, the man asked the bartender "Is that a 'Player Piano?, I've never heard one play so well before."

The bartender answered, 'No sir, There's a man whose only 12 inches tall playing the thing. Go check him out for yourself." The man went over and saw him play his tiny piano and then came back to the bar.

"Where did you ever find him, that's amazing!"

The bartender replied, "I got him as a result of a wish from this magic lamp. Would you like to try?"

The man agreed to give it a try and wished for the first thing he could think of... POOF! A hundred ducks suddenly appeared out of no where!

The man says, "Wait a minute, I asked for a $100, and it looks like I got a 100 Ducks, what gives?"

The bartender responded, "Sorry buddy, but do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

"a guy walks into a pub" is such a common start to a joke.

ok.
a guy walks into a pub and he says "ouch!! !! that pub was not there last time i was here".


edit
(now i come to think of it, it is too cryptic for this place so i should say he did not walk in the door, he walked into the outside wall of the pub that was built in the path of his usual walking route.) (none of my other jokes were got so i will stoop to define exactly what it means)).

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

“Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,” the lawyer said.
“But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.”
“Bring them along,” the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us, also.”
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, “But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!”
“Bring them all, as well,” the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind.” “Thank you for taking all of us with you .

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place.”
“The grass is almost a foot high”

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Oh really, well I think ours is prettier," she replies.

The Tories used Vote For Change as their slogan... See, that's why they didn't get a majority, they lost the autistic vote right there!

a husband says to his wife, "what would you do if i won Lotto?"

she says, "i would take half, then leave you."
"excellent" he replies,
"i won $12 , here's $6 - now F**k off!"

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”

Not one hand went up…. So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.

2 friendly souses at the local tavern entered into a little drunken wager, as to who could stretch a dollar the farthest. so they each went home determined to best the other. the next weekend at the tavern the 2 souses compared notes. the first fella related how he went to the local butcher's shop to get a five dollar sausage, and took it home with him, where he chopped it into 2 pieces, removed the skin from one, ate the innards and used the hollowed-out skin for a condom later that night. then he took the second half and removed the skin from it, ate the innards and used that skin as a condom again on somebody else.
the 2nd souse said "i got ya beat there! i went to my butcher's and got a five buck sausage, took it home and chopped it into 2 pieces, removed the skin on one half and ate the innards, then used the hollowed-out skin as a condom. next day i took the skin i used as a condom last night, turned it inside out and reused it again as a condom later that night. then i took the second half, removed the skin, ate the innards, then took a dump into the skin and tied it off like it was the original sausage, and then took it back to the butcher's shop and told him it tasted like shite, and the butcher took a bite and agreed with me and gave me my money back!"

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.... That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer..

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said:


'Run, Forrest, Run.'

BP really cares about the "small people."

a man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
the librarian says, "get lost! you won't bring it back."

Breaking News - All 23 members of England's World Cup Squad have been diagnosed as Autistic.

Well, It would explain why all they do is f***ing draw.