Post a JOKE, any joke

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Please feel free to post your recent "funnies" here. And let's all AGREE that the goal here is humor....mine might be different from yours etc....NO HARD FEELINGS MEANT. Just looking for a chuckle or 2.

Barack & Michelle are riding in Marine Corps One. Obama looked at Michelle and said "you know i could throw a $1,000 bill out the window and make someone very happy". Michelle shrugged her shoulders and replied "i could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people very happy". Hearing their exchange the pilot of the plane said to his co-pilot "Such big shots back there I could throw them both out the window and make 256 Million people very happy". If your one of the 256 million pass this on


this is a joke copy & pasted from facebook that at least one wp member asked for.

Two Duck fans were walking in the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.

"Hey look, deer tracks!" The first Duck fan said,

"They're not deer tracks you idiot, they're elk tracks!" The second Duck fan said.

As the two Duck fans argued over what kind of tracks they were, they were suddenly hit by a train.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"VERY WELL, THEN," says God, "LET US SEE IF JESUS FARED ANY BETTER."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "JESUS SAVES."

...



...

Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!! !" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!! !" yells the old man.

overheard in the operating room, these are so unPC.

what do you call a guy with two below the knee amputations in 5' of water? bob

what do you call a woman with one below the knee amputation? eileen

what if the same woman is asian? irene

what do you call a guy with all his limbs amputated on you front doorstep? matt

what if you hang him on your wall? art

Q: If a woman with two breasts works at "Hooters", where does a woman with one leg work?
A: "IHOP"

Q: What do you call a man holding a shovel and standing in a deep hole?
A: Doug

Q: What do you call a man holding a shovel and standing in a shallow hole?
A: Doug-less

Where do sailors use the restroom?
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The POOP Deck!

@Fnord: LOVED your Jesus jokes.

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says:
"These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'"

Two atoms are walking down the street. One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" He replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

S. HOLMES: "So what makes you think that someone died here?"
INNKEEPER: "My instincts"

...

WATSON: "So what makes you think he died from an intestinal parasite?"
HOLMES: "Alimentary, my dear Watson! Alimentary..."

I want to make a complaint about the Sushi bar at Gatwick airport.

The portions on the conveyor belt are too big and they taste very luggagey.

A dyslexic man wanders into a bra...

...and sells his soul to Santa?

Bah-dum-TSSH!



I've been looking for a good ending to that joke; thanks!

...

Q: What do you say to the rap star in the three piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise."

Q: What do you get when you throw a set of bag pipes into a wood chipper?
A: Applause.

Q: What do you get when you bomb an army base with a piano?
A: A flat major.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat miner.

...

Sarah Palin's Deal With the Devil

Sarah Palin was finishing up a day as Governor for Alaska when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Mrs. Palin pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of all of my constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Sarah was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So... what's the catch?"

Are adult(bad) jokes allowed?

Probably not ... this is not the Adult forum, after all.