Tell a joke!

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okay. heres your chance to make use laugh. tell a joke. any joke. look it up, know it off by heart. doesn't matter. just tell it .

Knock Knock,
Whos there?
Doctor,
Doctor who?
Precisely

heh. now its your turn *wink*

Three engineers were riding in a car. There's an Electrical Engineer, a Mechanical Engineer and a Software Engineer.

The car stops working.

The Electrical Engineer says, "I think that it is an electrical problem. Something with the battery or alternator."

The Mechanical Engineer disagrees and says, "I think it has nothing to with electricity, we are simply out of gas."

The Software Engineer disagrees with both and says, "We should simply all get out of the car and close the doors and then open the doors and get back in and it will work fine."

Why do programmers confuse halloween and christmas?

Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.

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What is black and white and walks through the desert?

A penguin, who got lost.

A father walks into a market with his young son.  The kid is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.  The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for
help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee.  At the sound of the commotion, she looks
up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and
places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.  Releasing the boy,
the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the
coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered
no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her
saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. 
Are you a doctor? No, the woman replies.  I work for Revenue Canada!

WARNING - ADULT HUMOUR







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LITTLE MARK ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE MARK ON MATH (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.

'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f**king difference?' asks the father

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE M ARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'

The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow You to go.'

Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.

'My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little MARK.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!''

LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f**king business

funny sciencey joke, family friendly. credit to: http://www.ahajokes.com

There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'.

Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.

He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.

He continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book again: 'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.

Finally he chops off the last leg. He puts the frog on the line and teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!". The frog doesn't move. "Jump frog, jump!! !". Again the frog stays on the line. "Come on frog, jump!". But to no avail.

The biologist finally writes in his book: 'Frog with no legs - goes deaf'

OoooH I've got one: My life.

I don't do jokes. Whenever I tell people jokes, they laugh at me.

Updated Canadian Universities Lightbulb Jokes

How many Ryerson students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Trick question; Ryerson isn't a real university.

How many Lakehead students does it take to change a light bulb?
* None, Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity.

How many University of Toronto students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two, one to change the light bulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Algonquin students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Laurentian students does it take to change a light bulb?
* None, Sudbury looks better in the dark.

How many Queen's students does it take to change a light bulb?
* One, he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How many Waterloo students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Five, one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuked light bulb, two to install it and one to write the computer program.

How many University of Western Ontario students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Five, one to change the light bulb and four to find the perfect Tommy Hilfiger/L.L. Bean/Eddie Bauer outfit to wear for the occasion.

How many McMaster students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did as well as any Queen's student.

How many Windsor students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they were at a better school, the light bulb wouldn't go out.

How many McGill students does it take to change a light bulb?
* One, but she can't do it on Thursday, Friday or Saturday night.

How many University of Calgary students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Seven, one to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

How many University of Alberta students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two, one to change it and the other to boast how it was so "Indisputably Recognized" around the world.

How many Guelph students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Seven, one to screw it in and 6 to figure out how to power it on manure.

How many Mt. Allison students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Five, one to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.

How many University of Victoria students does it take to change a light bulb?
* None, lava lamps don't burn out man!

How many University of British Columbia students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Four, one to do it and three to translate the instructions.

How many University of Saskatchewan students does it take to change a lightbulb?
* One, there's nobody else around to do it.

How many Wilfrid Laurier University students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Five, they make it a campus affair.

How many UPEI students does it take to change a light bulb?
* There's a university in Prince Edward Island?

How many York University students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Three, one to take directions from the science student, the science student, and one to philosophize about life as a light bulb.

How many University of Ottawa students does it take to change a light bulb?
* One, (s)he screws everything, why not a light bulb?

How many Carleton University students does it take to change a light bulb?
* Two, one to change the bulb and one to brag about how they did it faster than the Ottawa U students did it.

How many Laval students does it take to change a light bulb?
* One, but she would insist that the way she did it was distinct.

How many United States University/College students does it take to change a light bulb?
* That depends; how much is the athletic scholarship worth?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?

One, and he'll do a good job. That'll be $75, please.

Q. How many emos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Three. One to screw in the bulb, one to update the blog on it and one to write a song about how much they missed the old one.

One of the lesser-known historical facts about Merlin the magician was that he was a really big fan of a team sport. History doesn’t say exactly what sport he supported, but he was remarkably good at promoting it. He managed to get not only King Arthur interested, but many of the neighboring kings of the time as well. The idea really caught on. Soon, each kingdom had its own team, and they started trading players periodically, much like professional sports teams do today.

At the start of one season, a new player was traded into Camelot’s team. He was a pain in the neck from the start, complaining about everything. The towels in the locker room were too scratchy, his horse wasn’t currycombed right, his fireplace had the wrong kind of wood in it, … and on and on, constantly. After having to listen to that for a while, Merlin and the rest of the team were looking noticeably grumpy.

One day, at a home game, Arthur noticed an absence from Camelot’s team.

“Where’s the new guy?” he asked Merlin.

“Up there,” Merlin said in disgust, pointing to a large, brass lamp Arthur hadn’t noticed before, hanging over the playing field.

Arthur nodded sagely. He knew about the complaining—and about Merlin turning people into inanimate objects.

“What was his beef this time?” the king asked.

“He said the playing field was too dark, and that somebody ought to do something about it. I thought he might as well be the one to do it.”

“Oh,” said Arthur. “So THAT”S why the tradee is a lamp.”

A lady called tech support because her computer wouldn't turn on. She was asked if it was plugged in and if the monitor was connected. She replied I cant see, the lights are off. The tech guy said to turn them on. She said she couldnt because there was a power outage.

I know what you mean! Jokes sound great in my head but they NEVER come out right. Here's one anyway though, typing it works better for me!

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
What's a lightbulb?

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three, one to change it and two to talk about Lord Bryon's Grand Tour and
creative uses of laudanum in a metaphysical environment.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, but one has to light the candle.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they'd rather sit in the dark and cry.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just embrace the darkness.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to replace the UV tube, and one to put Floodland on.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
We have candles.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, the lights wouldn't be one anyway.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change it for a purple bulb and one to plug the smoke machine in.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, five to scream "Turn that bloody light off!"

How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope!

Why is it so hard for goths to get work?
Because all they can do is mope the floors are depress the buttons.

What's another name for a goth girl?
A Crow-ho.

Two goths are having sex. (Strange, I know, but true.) Suddenly, the girl
goth comes.
"Darling, darling!" says the boy goth, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing," says the girl goth, "nothing at all. Why?"
"You moved."