Quatermass wrote:
Bluesummers wrote:
I would say, the mere fascination with Death came first, and all of your other interests simply seemed to explain it. Death...a silly subject to me. I've tried to take my own life, I've realized that any fear of our inevitable demise only hinders true life, and I've been terribly afraid of death at times.
It reminds me of my earliest memories of being an Atheist. Upon contemplating the thought of Oblivion, I deeply wished there was a Hell, so frightened I was at the concept of pure nothingness. I'd like to think I've gotten over it, but I think I just shut it out.
I think I was about 12 when I thought of that.
Lucky you for getting over it already. While I first had those fears at 16, it wasn't until I came off my antidepressants that it hit me fully. That was late 2006. And Steve Irwin died at about the same time. I still haven't gotten over my necrophobia completely, although I am trying to do something about it (losing weight and getting fitter).
Never did I say that I got over it. The furthest I've ever got was to ignore it, I realize. Recently, after my several day long drinking binges to cope with the pain of day to day life, I felt sick. Not just sick, I felt like I was going to die.
All the indifference I once had towards death was shattered. I can't die yet, my son needs me, I thought. The nothingness I once deemed fit to embrace, was just that...nothingness. I love my son, he gave me meaning in this chaotic existence. Given my own memories of my Father, I refuse to abandon him.
And so I endure whatever impossible trial life will cast before me. I surely can't say I've found true happiness yet, since my son, unfortunately, is not always by my side. He gives me strength beyond strength.
I feel so abandoned, often contemplating ending my life before my son would know who I am. But after much thought...I realize. I'll gladly endure any pain this World has to offer, if it means sharing any lesson I have to offer to my son. So that he may live a better life.
I hope you can find the same peace....one day.
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omgz I r banned.