Make up your own Fake Stupid News Articles!

Post Reply New Topic

Study finds Mercury causes Autism Gene Study Cause
A recent study by an organization you've never heard of has recently found that Mercury causes Autism in one in 150.7852 children.

Reacting to the study, a spokesperson from Cure Autism Now has made an official statement:

"It is clear to me," some random person from the org said, "That Autism is clearly on the rise amongst the general public. It is a horrible disease and must be cured as soon as possible.

Autism is a dysfunction stuff-up of the brain that causes children to not like being touched, never relate to any social situation, and hate chocolate.

This person was interviewed further to give the public a basic grasp on what Autism, and it's close but not so relative, Asperger's Disease. When questioned about how this Mercury-Autism effect would affect adults, the spokesperson said "Autism and Asperger's in adults does not exist." When questioned why they don't just say that that would essentially cure it, she replied "I don't know what you are talking about."

When queried on what action Cure Autism Now will carry out, the reply was this: "It is imperative that we eradicate all children with this horrible disease and make them as normal and communist as possible, as soon as possible." When asked on why, she replied "It's just what we do."

When asked on what people with Autism will say, she replied "To us, anyone who makes a contrary or opposing discussion and has Autism or Asperger's Disease is immediately classed as being disturbed in the mind and very confused. We hold no responsibility to them."



I wanted to start off with a vent/parody. Your articles can be about anything.

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT NEWS FLASH! SOMEONE WENT TO THE TOILET!

Meteor Strike causes mass profit for Microsoft


A Meteor struck America yesturday at 2:00 AM, almost wiping out the continent. Luckily America was still standing and Microsoft have become hugely profitable.

When asked about this, Bill Gates said "I always knew that we would hit big time sometime. I just didn't know it would happen like that."

Shards of the Meteor were found to contain 0's and 1's. Does this mean that someone at Microsoft programmed a meteor to strike...

An old article from the now-defunct Werbert News Service.

Breaking News: Studies have found that work actually can kill you.

A man in America has sued Harvard University for educating him, claiming that he has recently learned that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing. John Smith, 47, said today
"If a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and I have a degree from one of our nation's finest universities, who knows what kind of horrible things might happen to me?"
University officials declined to comment.

OJ Finds 'Real Killers'
In his never ending quest to find 'the real killers', O.J. Simpson, once himself accused of the killings, was hailed as a hero for making good on his promise and bringing the real murderer--if only temporarily--to justice.
Mr. Simpson was apprantly brushing his teeth when he looked up and saw the real killer in the mirror. Leaping quickly to action, he grabbed the man and wrestled him to the ground. After the struggle, Simpson subdued the man, identified by police as Orenthal James Simpson, and brought him to justice.
Orenthal James Simpson, known to his friends as 'O.J.', claimed he did not do it. After long interrogation a glove was produced for "OJ" to try on. As onlookers--we are unclear if O.J. was one of them--watched, the glove did not fit. As a result "OJ" was released.
When asked for comment, Mr. Simpson would only reiterate his promise to bring the 'real killers' to justice.

From the Onion website;

NEWS FLASH!! ! PARAKEET RESEARCHERS CONTRIBUTE TO AUTISM!! !

Earl McKinney, 12, student of Know-It-All School for Intellectually Challenged Youth, recently made it public that he is about to publish research material that may very likely change the way we view Asperger Syndrome.

McKinney and his research team consisting of Know-It-All School for Intellectually Challenged Youth’s top five Cheerleaders, report groundbreaking new viewpoints. The research and the experiments have until this point been handled as top secret material. Though there are things that are yet unknown, McKinney has approved upon this article.
- I see this as an opportunity to reach out, he says. Let people know what we have been doing. That people have been blinded for this long is really a shame. The cheerleaders and I must fight for Asperger Syndrome victims!
So what is it that you have discovered?
- Well, first of all we have discovered the impact cheerleaders have on our life.
They have?
- Oh yes, very much, McKinney admits.
The young boy is very astounding. He’s confident as he speaks and there’s logic in every word. Meeting him is a remarkable event that not a lot of people have the honour to do. McKinney spends a lot of his time locked inside his bedroom doing research on Asperger Syndrome with the cheerleaders.
Asperger Syndrome, a form of autism, has, to common belief, been taken as a difference in the brain. A so-called neurological difference that makes the suffering individual decide that the world simply sucks and is not worth paying attention to, making them lock their mind and swallow the key.
- It’s a very sad affair, I must say. We have done several attempts at removing the key, but it seems that the key attaches itself to the inner wall of the stomach, to be dissolved and spread within the body.
So what did you do?
- We brought in the cheerleaders!
McKinney explains enthusiastically how they put ten Aspies (“It’s what they call themselves”, says McKinney) in five chairs, in the middle of a football arena.
Why was this done?
- Because I wanted to watch the team that was playing. Brought the girls and the popcorn and we were all ready for some action.
How about the Aspies?
- We realised we were too intellectually challenged to understand their minds, so we gave up and watched the game. The aspies left.
Wait. What are you - ?
- Oooh, lookit, shiiiineeey!

Study: Pet ownership linked to longevity

Cats and dogs give you more years in your life and more life in your years! Crazy cat lady, who identifies herself as 9CatMom, says, with my dog and nine cats-I ought to live until I'm at least 100!

Homer Simpson discovered in allyway in Swindon

Springfield resident Homer Simpson has been found in an allyway in Swindon. When asked how he got there he said, "I'm not in Springfield?"

Study: Global warming causes more water to evaporate!

As other greenhouse gases build up the earth's temperature increases. With this increase in temperature more water evaporates.



As you can see from the chart most of the infrared spectrum is reflected by the water vapor. Thus earth will stay in an equilibrium. More heat>more water>less heat>less water>more heat>more water> more etcetera for years to come!! !

BREAKING NEWS : At least 100 killed in New York shooting spree

This just in- a gunman went on the loose in downtown New York, and killed over 100 civilians before he was shot by police.

"It was like a warzone..... simply indescribable murder..." Says one terrified onlooker".

Details at the moment are sketchy, but apparently the killer used a sniper rifle and later, pistols, to shoot many civilians.

The rifle had been silenced, and thus in the noisy, busy streets people did not even notice that victims were being picked off for minutes.

A further 20 were severly wounded. Five policemen were killed, and two cars crashed when one of the drivers was picked off.

All information as it comes in.