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Fnord
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18 Oct 2012, 2:47 pm

Various Internet websites explained with the "Two Cows" metaphor:

  • AUTISM SPEAKS: You have two cows. You inoculated them against Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy when they were 3 months old. Ever since, they've been non-verbal and make no eye contact. They currently show no interest in herd activities, and they spend most of their waking hours rocking from side to side and flapping their hooves. Some think there may be a connection. Help us find a cure.
  • CONSERVAPEDIA: You have no cows. All of them have been range-blocked from the pasture.
  • CONSERVAPEDIA: You have two cows. One cow starts a blog encyclopedia to protest the atheistic public schools pushing the homosexual agenda, using classroom prayer as the argument in mostly everything. The other cows send amicus briefs about why physicians should have guns and why the letter by one Framer matters in recall of a senator while the opinions from the rest of the Framers does not.
  • CONSERVAPEDIA: You have two cows. One is hugely fat, the other has no machismo. Atheists have sex with both of them.
  • CRAIGSLIST: i have 2 cows i need to sell asap they don't seem to make milk but maybe you will have beter luck with that. if your interested contact me i am asking 100$ each OBO. [it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests]
  • DEVIANTART: You have two cows and someone's drawn pictures of them doing things that you'd rather not see.
  • EBAY: You have two cows. Both were an unwanted gift and are in almost new condition but you will only deliver to your local area. They have been viewed 142 times.
  • FACEBOOK (General): You have two cows. They're in a "complicated" relationship and Mark Zuckerberg knows everything about their milk production.
  • FACEBOOK (New): You have two cows. You gain more cows and get the milk by inviting friends to join your cow milking game.
  • FACEBOOK (Old): You have four cows, but the pasture was so much cooler back when you only had two.
  • FANFICTION.NET: You have two cows, both of which have color-changing eyes, natural blue highlights in their fur, have every superpower that exists, and get to hook up with Draco Malfoy.
  • FURAFFINITY: You had two cow/rabbit/dragon/mew/renamon/lucario hybrid cubs in a bondage/rape/scat/hyper/mini/vore/lactation situation, but Dragoneer recently banned cub prons due to financial crap so now you don't have them.
  • GEOCITIES: You have two poorly animated .gifs of cows. They got deleted when Yahoo decided your cows sucked.
  • GOOGLE: It was predicted that you have two cows. It took 0.37 seconds to determine that you had two cows and that about 2,420,000 results would interest you. But you've let Google know that you've got two cows.
  • LESSWRONG: You don't really have two "cows", just collections of atoms that are bonded together in a form to which your Bayesian mind and prior biases ascribe the word "cow".
  • LEXICANUM: In the grim darkness of the future, there are no cows. There is only war.
  • LIVEJOURNAL: You have two cows, as black as the angst in your soul. They are so off your friends list.
  • MEMORY ALPHA: These are the moosings of the Starship "Pasteurise." Its mission: to explore strange new curds, and seek out new lactations. To boldly swallow what no man has swallowed before.
  • MYSPACE: You have two cows. They're bright purple and green rather than black and white, and they produce milk automatically as soon as you see them.
  • NATURALNEWS: Big Pharma is making your cows sick. Buy homeopathic remedies instead.
  • RAPTURE READY: You have two cows. You don't need to milk them, because Jesus will take you away so soon you won't have time to drink milk.
  • ROTTEN.COM: You have two cows. Well, actually they're just photos of cows that have been run over by a steamroller.
  • A STOREHOUSE OF KNOWLEDGE: You have two cows. But you can't milk them because CMI says the Bible says they don't produce milk.
  • A STOREHOUSE OF KNOWLEDGE: Two - non-sequitur cows - creationists are real scientists and have been published in peer reviewed journals writing about the cow baramin.
  • TIME CUBE: YOU THINK HAVE TWO COWS BUT EACH COW IS FOUR PARTS OF FOUR SIMULTANEOUS COWS. THE COWS PRODUCE NO MILK AS MILK IS NOT PART OF CUBE TRUTH, THE ONLY TRUTH. There is but ONE path to milk and that is to forsake the EVIL of the COW LIE which the in farmer milk the cows when only the COWS can produce milk, NOT farmer.
  • TUMBLR: You have two cows, but neither of them can hold all your files.
  • TV TROPES: Averted in Neon Genesis Evangelion, which has no cows at all. But the fanfic This Troper wrote have all the cows you want, according to Word Of God.
  • TWITTER: @cowfan u have 2 cows u make sure 2 let ur followers know their situation every 20 sec or so. bit.ly/9DP1Zq #Milking
  • UNCYCLOPEDIA: You have two silicon-based mammoth simulacra which, surprisingly, resemble cows. One gets roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, and the other goes back in time to the year 456854 BCE to stop Oscar Wilde from being born.
  • WANDALISM: You have OMGZLOL!! !! GAYZORDS!! ! two cows.
  • WIKIPEDIA: You have 3 million cows.[citation needed] Somehow, it all works out just fine. See WP:COW
  • WIKIPEDIA: You have two cows. This joke is a stub. You can help by expanding it.
  • WIKIPEDIA: You have two cows. A new editor shows up at the article about your farm and claims to have seen a photograph of your place with only one cow in it. You explain the other cow was out of the frame, but this does not satisfy him. You get affidavits from your neighbors attesting that you have two cows, but he's still unimpressed. Next you request a third opinion, and other Wikipedians show up at the page. They point out that you have a WP:COI, since you're writing about your farm. Eventually, a "Minority Views" section is added to the article noting that the number of cows you own is a matter of controversy. By this time you've either retired or been banned from Wikipedia and are spending more time on your farm with your two cows.
  • WOOKIEPEDIA: You have two cows. Sadly you have no life but you do have Star Wars, so that's more than enough compensation.
  • YOUTUBE: You have two cows. One of them water skis.
  • YOUTUBE: These cows have been removed due to a copyright claim by Bos primigenius. Sorry about that.
  • WRONGPLANET: I have two cows. They both hate me. They never give me any milk, no matter how much I ask. Then they ignore me and act like I’m not there. They talk and tell jokes to each other and never explain them to me. I feel so stupid and worthless that I might just end it all. Am I an Aspie?
  • WRONGPLANET (Fnord): There is no valid empirical evidence for the existence of your cows. Therefore, your claim for their existence is also invalid. Evidence, please?

:wink:


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ObserverGirl_4
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18 Oct 2012, 3:23 pm

Youtube: You have two cows, who just covered a song. 22 cows disliked it, but thats okay, because they obviously have no taste in music.


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