Anger with my Wife

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I get very Angry with my wife, most of the time over the stupidest of things, but when it comes out I cant seem to control it, she pushes my buttons and I just see red. I just rescently found out I may be an Aspie, I am hopeing someone has some information, maybe some links, that can help us fix these problems, a aspie friend of mine told me there are things you can do, like how to talk to each other to help with this, but he doesnt have the info on his computer. My wife is trying to be understanding, so I think she will try to help, I am just not sure what to do, and I want to make our life better.

Thanks for any suggestions,

Trace

Tracedumas you are on a good path.
It is very difficult to admit you have anger problems.
It is even harder to reach out and find out how to deal with these issues.

I have come full circle and had to face my issues that brought out so much anger, and I will say I think it would be much easier to deal with these issues before they escalate to a situation that is irreversible...

I will happily share more resources when I have more time to get into it, but I have an appointment coming up, but I wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

You, your wife and your family are worth it!

I look forward to sharing more with you.

PM me any time if you want.

Thanks, I am talking to a Dr through e-mails now, to try to set up an appointment, and to try to work out my issues, but at the same time I welcome any help from anyone, I have learned through life that sometimes it takes a different veiw from whats normal for me to learn things, so I look at everything I can to find a way that works for me. I am hoping that I am wrong, but I think my 3 y/o may also be an aspie, but at least with him, if we find out he is, there is help that I didnt have. I wil just have to learn so much more to make sure he has all the help I can give.

I've been a lot like you in the anger department, aware only in hindsight. We have to build on this and create a space of awareness WHILE we are angry, so we can choose not to act on it immediately. I find mindfulness practices and skills are useful for this. Still haven't totally licked it, but when I do my meditation, I tend not to blow up on that day because there is a connection to self awareness.

Good luck with it! A very common problem of people, aspies and NTs alike.

If you feel angry, go for a walk or run and come back when you're calmer.

Let your wife know your plan in advance (i.e. at a calm time when you are not angry) so that she won't be surprised.

Maybe sit down and share with each other what sets both of you off? There is a possibility she doesn't know which buttons she is pressing.

Hello there!

I have had rage attacks all my life and spent 10 years trying to learn to control my anger......

I lash out when I am frightened, tired, stressed and when all my cognitive prowess goes out the window.......

How much does your wife know about AS? How much do you know about yourself? Are there triggers to your anger, other than what you experience with your wife?

I know the difference intellectually between aggravated anger(the anger we experience when we have to defend ourselves or react to an emotional issue) and meltdown anger over the fact that someone has moved my neat pile of papers to another part of the room .......in saying this, for me, it all comes out the same......the same level of anger for any situation. And it is cognition that generally saves me and the recipient of my anger. But cognitive recognition is very tiring and some days it just does not work. Some days my rage is like being dumped by a wave. it is on me before I even know it is coming, and all I can do is roll up in a ball and let it take me so I don't break anything .

My psychologist is instrumental in helping me with anger........she is painfully teaching me "mindfulness" (painful in the sense that it is like trying to teach a monkey to permanently walk on two legs kind of in their genes, but so far away evolutionarily speaking) and "radical acceptance" which also helps me with script anxiety and so on......

If you can get some help with it, it will make all the difference and it is something your wife can get kind of involved with. She can be part of the team in understanding. It will also help with how you deal with your son. My son is 15, and boy does he push my buttons sometimes!! !

Take good care of self......

Mics

I have to agree with the above posts.
Mindfulness is really a good thing.. I picked up a book called The Mindful Way Through Depression.. Practicing mindfulness has changed my life for the better, but there is a long way to go before the anger issues within me are really dealt with.

Be encouraged
Breath easy.

Mindfulness set me on to the path of practicing yoga.
One of the 'methods' of becoming more aware of my thought process is a simple excercise that can be done all day long at any point.. it is simply the concept of observing and labeling the thoughts.. observing the thoughts is our conscious awareness of what we are thinking (how often we can just go off on tangents letting our critical mind devise methods for our survival or fulfillment of desires) so anytime that you become aware of your thinking give it a simple label, either 'useful' or 'not useful'.. I have found that doing this seams to always help me suddenly clear my mind or be able to choose the direction of my next thought rather then just letting my mind be like waves tossed by the wind on the ocean.. and by clear my mind it seams that I am able to focus more on my breath, which for me is like discovering myself all over again.

When I notice anger welling up in me, because of the practice of labeling my thoughts, it is much easier to deal with the dog treading through my dirt pile I just swept up, because if I am getting upset or wanting to stomp or spit or swear, the thought 'not useful' comes in and I continue to sweep.

Thanks all of you, sorry if I dont reply much, it is hard for me to speak my feelings much, but I am reading everything, and making a list of books to buy next time I am in town

thanks, planning some things this way, we had lost internet at home, but are getting it turned on, so I plan to get her on here soon. some of it is her doing it intentionally, but that is mainly in responce to when I do things that upset her, unentetionally, I think, I am looking for ways to open her eyes, so that she will understand better. I know for a fact that she loves me very much, for so many reasons, its just a matter of working through things, and her understanding that things I do are not done intentionally to hurt her. The things I have learned to deal with have been over my entire life, where as with my relationship it is a matter that I am just seeing that I need to fix things, so this is something that we both are going to have to work on. But now that I see it, if I can get her to see it, we can work on it together, and I think it will be ok. We both love each other very much, its just I have to learn to show it, and she has to learn to understand me.

You are getting counseling for your anger... You seem to suggest your wife and you are working on it together....

For a long time, I thought I had an anger management problem, and my ex-wife believed I did. In a sense I did, but it was ONLY with her. (No problems with anger issues with current long-term partner). I'm not laying the blame on her, but it was an issue between the two of us. In other words, anger management classes, I don't believe, would have helped as much as couples counseling with a focus on communication.

This may not apply to you (! !!), but you may want to consider it, especially if you don't make the progress you feel you should be with individual counseling.

I guess in a way I am getting counseling, but not from a councelor, I am getting it from everyone on here, plus a freind outside of here who has AS. as soon as I can get back on Ins. I am going to get tested on the scale, and will bring up these issues with the dr. until then I will just have to seek the advice of other members who have been there. Thanks,

Trace