Aspie women married to NT men?

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Hi,
I would really like to know if there are more Aspie women around like me (older thane say 40), that are married to a "normal" man.
I'm so fed up by trying and trying to explane myself and not be understood.
My husband does not want to know about Asperger Syndrome; that's according to him an excuss not to better myself.
Besides according to him I'm normal and not a mental case. He's right I don't feel nuts, but that's not what he means.

How do other adult AS women deal with their husband?
I feel lonely.

Suzy

First, how are you ever supposed to "better yourself" if you don't understand how your mind works?

You aren't a "mental case", and neither are most of us with AS - although I assume we aren't immune to other mental disorders, but simply having AS certainly doesn't qualify us for that insult - but he sounds like he could be... Isn't refusing to accept reality one of the symptoms of mental illness?

As amusing as it is to say that about anyone who would equate Aspergers with "mental case", I am not saying that simply as a joke. If he is unable to accept and face reality, it seems to me that he has serious issues of his own.

Hi Wanderer,

No I'm not thinking that I'm a nutcase. I'm just a high functioning Aspie, with the known oddeties, pretty normal LOL.
It is my husband who is in deniel, he thinks I make it up and when it might be true; O no than it would be a mental disorder, according to him. sigh

But altough I'm not expecting him to read up about it (I tried, positive articles and habits and odds that he should recognize),
I would like to encounter some other adult married women.

It would be nice to be understood better and some advice for my problems would be welcome.

Hi Pooh.
Well, I'm not over 40 (only 30), but my partner is in his 50s and may have similar characteristics to your husband.

My partner is certainly uncomfortable with the idea that I have ASD. Discovering that I am autistic has changed our relationship a lot. I think he finds the "hardwired" (ie. permanent) nature of the, er, "disorder" difficult to accept.

Your husband may prefer "mental disorder" over "neurological disorder" because mental disorder is regarded as temporary and fix-able. ?

For my part, I have realised that I must find other channels to develop my self-understanding.
I am not going to pursue understanding with my partner, at least not on that level.
He prefers our relationship to function in a practical sense, and the idea that I am not "normal" interferes with this.
So, I try to focus on improvements to the functionality of our relationship, which is not the same as having him understand me. I know this sounds analytic and maybe cynical, but it is the best option at the moment.

Do you have specific issues that you want feedback on?
cheers

Hi, Pooh. I'm 43 and was diagnosed in 2001. My husband is not on the spectrum and we had a LOT of really big, uncomfortable fights about it up until about a year ago when he finally started to accept it.

Hi, manBrain,
I don't think my husband thinks much about neurological or mental disorders or what the difference is.
He just thinks I'm bad mannered and don't adress him in the proper phrases. And that I'm not social.

I want to stay myself, but I would also like that he understands me when I tell him something. Example: He tells me that he likes the color blue for a wall; I reply blue is nice, but green might even be prettier. Then all hell brakes lose, because I used the word "but" that according to him denies everything he thinks and brings up. I try not to use certain words, but sometimes my mind is ahead on the subject and I'm not thinking about the formulation of my sentence.
This is an small example, though it is typical for our conversations.
I often tell him nice things about him, but he says that doesn't count for much: it is how I behave.
I don't know, I wouldn't mind if he said nice things to me about me, not as much about what I do, when it's small.
Does this make any sense?
I'm not used to talk about this, but it's good to.

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Sparrowrose,
Do you remember what made him starting to accept it?
What was the turning point....... talking, behavior, articles?

I think he eventually realized it wasn't a phase, I wasn't going to just drop it because it made him uncomfortable, it wasn't going away, etc. Maybe he just got tired of fighting it.

In his case, he agreed that I matched the symptoms but he didn't believe AS is a real thing. He spent a lot of time making fun of AS and people who claimed they had AS and declared it was just some hipster thing that people claimed to be cool and trendy. Maybe over time he noticed more and more things and saw that it fit and really is something I have no control over and something that makes my life more difficult than it ought to be.

Mostly, for my part, I tried not to bring it up at all because it caused so much conflict. So it wasn't anything I did like pushing more information on him. It just gradually got through to him that, hey, maybe this is why she's never been able to keep a job or have friends. I think it just gradually made sense to him after years of watching me struggle.

Yes, Pooh, I can totally relate to the colour-of-the-wall scenario.
In our case, it is the position of the dining table; here, or there.
It is not so much the fact that I prefer the table in a different position, but *how* I communicate this to my partner, that he has a problem with.

In these subtle situations (ie. not open conflict), I am totally unable to recognise what it is about my own behaviour that is offensive. I just want to talk about the table! It's only a table!

My words, for example about the table, are normal. Just as I read your words about the paint colour as perfectly acceptable. I don't think it is the words, it is how we say them; something about the sound of them or our facial expression maybe.

My partner described my manner as "robotic". That was before an ASD diagnosis.

I also know that there is something unusual about the sound of my voice. He seems to assume that I am grumpy when I am not. He also says that I am often rude to him, and this seems to be the case whether I am speaking or not. Often it seems like a no-win.

Well, one thing I have found that is successful is to have other friends that are blunt.
I can talk with them without them being instantly offended.

I find that playing team sports with men is good for relating, as is working with men who are blunt-mannered. I don't have to worry all the time about how I say things and this makes me feel more ok.

I also have a lot of time out from my partner.

Hi Pooh!
I'm not 40, but I understand your frustration!
I tested the waters when I first began to wonder about myself, I mentioned it very casually to my husband, listed a few Aspie traits I feel I have, and asked him what he thought.
He was not willing to talk about it, so I dropped it. I figured it was beneficial for me to know, but if he doesn't want to explore this with me then it's no big deal. We've been together almost ten years, he knows my behaviors already, and if he'd rather think of me as his wierd wife instead of someone with 'a condition', that's fine.

I never have, and never will, ask for special accomodations, but I do tell him flat out what I will and won't do. My daughter was invited to a party a few weeks ago and I told him "I'll make her a dress, but I'm not going." He expected that, because he knows from past experience that I hate socializing. If I had said "because of Aspergers", it would have led to a big fight because that would have been an excuse; so I just politely refused, as he knew I would, and we ended up sending her to the party with Grandma.

Does that make sense? I don't think you should have to explain. Just do what needs to be done, be as honest about it as you can and don't push him to accept something he's not ready to accept.

If he takes offence at words, I think all you can do is remind him that some guys can never get a straight answer out of their wives. They might say "Oh, blue is nice", then be all cranky for years afterward because they expected their husband to read their mind and somehow magically realize that green is what they really wanted. Point out to him that although he may not like your delivery, at least he doesn't have to worry that you're being missish.
My husband was grousing about how hard I was to buy gifts for and I pointed out to him that I don't mince around the question like some women do; I don't make him guess what I want so I can test how well he knows me. I told him what I wanted and if he thinks those things are too practical to be nice gifts, well, that's him overthinking things.

Never miss an opportunity to tell your husband how lucky he is to be married to someone who doesn't want to play emotional games!

Hi manBrain,

I was down the last days and you managed to make me smile! You hit it on the head.
Yes, I'm also seen as grumpy and VERY blunt And I try to rationalize everything according to him. And when I don't say anything I should have told him.

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LadyMadonna,

It make sense what you say. I should not try to explain what I feel, but just say yes or no on a situation.
Although that is difficult sometimes: "No I don't want to go" gives as answer always the "Why, don't you like those people?"
But I'll give it a harder try.
Yes, I'm hard to buy presents for also. I know exactly what I want and no surprises please.

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Thanks you all; this is a wonderful place to be.

Years ago, a man friend was helping me move in to a new apartment. I thought I was being very polite and grateful for his help when all of a sudden he said, "I will NOT be bossed around!" dropped what was in his hands, and walked out the door and left.

I am not kidding when I say I don't know WHAT I did or said to get that kind of reaction! I was left standing there, blinking in bewliderment, wondering what the heck.

Of course, this was in the days before I knew about Asperger's. Today, the same thing would probably still happen. But afterwards I wouldn't be blinking in bewlilderment. I STILL wouldn't know what I did, but at least I'd be able to say, "oh. That darned asperger's strikes again."

Oh Suzy, I'm so sorry. My husband of 16 days has TLE, so he's not NT, but not on the spectrum. Still, he completely "gets it". I am blessed in this. When I was first diagnosed, I was in a marriage so abusive I kept the dx secret out of a realistic fear for my life. My family is still in denial and will only begrudgingly acknowledge my son's dx. If I had a dime for every man who threw his hands up in frustration and told me I "think like a man" and "can't behave", I'd pool the money and take us all out on the town.

I'm one... minus the over 40 part if that excludes me.

Well Suzy, I'll tell you how I dealt with my NT husband - I left him! Seriously though, I'm sure that doesn't help you one bit, but my experience was horrible. I was with him for nearly a decade and was miserable every single day. I eventually got enough sense to wake up and leave. I reconnected with my first love (whom I suspect is also an Aspie), and we've been inseparable since we got back together in 2007. We have a beautiful 15 month old son now too!

I wish I could give you some advice, but my experience with a NT partner was not great. I wish you all the luck in the world. If you both truly love one another, you'll find a way to work it out.

I am not married to an NT man, but I am dating one. Sometimes it is difficult, and he often is frustrated with me and my quirks, but he puts up with my obsessions.

This sounds unreasonable to the point of being abusive. You are entitled to your opinions, particularly about something like the color of paint for a wall. It not is though you expressed some opinion that was personally insulting to him (like an opinion that he looks incredibly ugly in that shirt, or that he was a real idiot to pay that much for that chair at the yard sale, or whatever). You were merely expressing an opinion about your personal preference for a paint color. How does that "deny" his opinions? Does he take issue with the very idea of you having an opinion that happens to conflict with his?

You didn't say "blue would not only be really ugly, but you're an absolute moron for even considering blue". Yet that is how he is acting. If you think blue would be ugly then I think you have a right to say so (of course it's best to say it gently but you're still entitled to say it). You certainly are entitled to say "I don't really like blue, I don't think it would look very good. I would prefer green." I think the way you said it is very tactful and gentle.

But, regardless, I don't think this has anything to do with how you say things. I get the sense that perhaps there is not any way that you could say it that would not elicit this kind of angry response from him. If you are at a point where you are trying to think ahead to make sure what you say isn't going to set him off, if you feel that you must "walk on eggshells" (meaning that you feel you must proceed exceedingly carefully and fearfully in conversations in order to avoid his emotional explosions), that is a sign of being in an abusive relationship. If he "typically" blows up at you over matters such as these then I strongly suggest you speak with a counselor.

You said that you are "so fed up by trying and trying to [explain] myself and not be understood." You also said: "My husband does not want to know about Asperger Syndrome; that's according to him an [excuse] not to better myself." and "Besides according to him I'm normal and not a mental case."

So... he doesn't listen, you try and try to explain but he doesn't accept any of it. He doesn't even want to try to understand you; he consideres the diagnosis to be an excuse, a tool that you are using so that you can be lazy and avoid self-improvement. And he thinks that anyone who does accept a diagnosis must be a "mental case", and since you aren't one, there's nothing wrong with you and no reason he should listen or try to accommodate you. All this makes me feel even more strongly that you should speak with a social worker or other counselor. You really do not have to put up with this.

The fact that he is over 20 years older than you makes me even more concerned that this may be the case: abusers often look for more vulnerable partners, and youth and inexperience can certainly make a person vulnerable.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.