Aspie women married to NT men?

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Hi Pooh.

I'm an Aspie Male, 32, so I probably can't help you. But, your husband is clearly in denial. I think I understand why he calls it "mental": Psychologically, he has to acknowledge that he has to change, to better accommodate your needs due to this condition being a part of your being (As Asperger's is for any Aspie). That can be frightening to NT's suddenly confronted with this situation, it is it may be easier for him to view this as a problem that needs solving, and that gives him the means to deny it. I think at his age (40+) it can be harder for NT's to change their perspective on things like this. I believe it will take a long time.

But he is in a relationship with you. So whatever his perception of that, He has an implied responsibility to acknowledge you and to give to you, and through that by implication to acknowledge your needs and give to fulfill those needs. To not do that is to fail his obligation as your partner. This is not simply my belief: It is what has been repeated to me, independently, by 3 councilors, 2 psychiatrists, and a psycho-dynamic therapist.

It sounds like a lot of women in here have had or are having very similar experiences with marriage that I did.
My husband was pretty crappy, and also a paranoid schizophrenic. He was always screaming at me for "embarrassing" him. He was always angry at everything I did. He had a real problem with my lack of affect. He had a problem with just about everything about me, but he could control me, so I was useful I guess. We were together for 11 years.
When I self-diagnosed with Asperger's (several years before diagnosis on paper) he completely dismissed it. He honestly didn't care. It changed nothing, and he never tried to understand me. He really though I was just making excuses, or wanted attention, or wanted to seem "special". This, despite the fact that he used to get angry with me because people often though I was ret*d when we went out in public.

Yes, i left him years ago.

In contrast, my boyfriend who I have been with for a year is awesome, and he loves all my "annoying quirks". He likes that I seem monotone and bossy. He likes it when I rant about things I have read. He even puts up with my long speeches about the finer points of grammar in languages he doesn't know. He is the first person I have been 100% honest and open with about being Autistic, and have done my best to show him what that means in practical, daily terms and applications.
I finally don't have to be embarrassed, justify myself all the time, or feel inadequate. I can just be myself, in all my flapping, rocking, "helpful", bossy, nitpicky, obsessive, hyperlexic glory.
It helps that he's a hermit-eccentric with an IQ of 153. He can almost keep up. <3

My father who is prolly an aspie like me did something very similar. He came around uninvited to fix a step he didn't like on my house, and left abruptly. I will never know why.

hypercube wrote:

That is exactly what happens every time. He thinks I consider him a moron. Although I not always agree with him on a subject, I disagree the subject not him.
It is true that I try to control my life; that also means that I try to control part of his. That's not easy to understand if you're not an Aspie.
But it is also true that I have to think before I speak: very tiresome.

hypercube wrote:


We do see a marriage counselor, when we see her every week it goes better. Due to sickness of her and later my husband there was a gap of some months.
When we started that, we each had an individual talk with the counselor. I told her that I think that a lot of the problems I encounter in life are probably due to being a (selfdiagnosed) Aspie. I asked her to leave that subject out of the sessions because of the way he reacted earlier. That is my biggest treshold for being diagnosed, if I am what I am, than my husband will not see progress in my behaviour.
The counselor does her best to show him that that I am trying to be my best and that my intentions are good. She lets him work on his anger. And tells him to ask what I meant to say, if he thinks I got personal, before he blows. The times he does that he has no reason to blow. Although I get the remark: "why can't you say that in the first place". Yeah..duhh

Days he can be the sweetest man, taking a lot of crap from me.
Then just out of the blue he blows up over something unimportant; the things that bugs me most: I never see it coming.
Men should have warning signals like a traffic light: green, yellow, light orange, dark orange..... RED!

I think Malisha has a good point too: I do have a fairly high IQ what brings me nothing, because I can't earn my own living, A lot of men don't like that.

I'm under 40 but my husband is over 40 and NT. He's been very supportive. If anything, he's relieved that his wife is not a negligent lazy ass... that I'm actually genuinely forgetful but well-meaning. I can imagine that I would feel very hurt if he did not care or argued with me about my diagnosis.

I would never date or put up with being married to anyone who blew off my AS as just an excuse to not better myself (as if I haven't been doing that all along) and told me I was embarrassing them. That's abusive in my book. And I know--I get all that crap from my family, and yep, it's abusive from them too.

That's all I got to say on that. 'S e do bheatha.

Oh wait, I need to respond to this:

Stop making excuses for his bad behavior! So what if men don't like it? That doesn't mean your husband can be this nasty to you. And they don't need warning signs--they need to grow the bleep up and act like freaking adults, instead of ignoring their emotions until they explode and have infantile tantrums over freaking colors. What is grade is he in? Kindergarten?

I can't tell you want your husband problem is, but it seems to me it's him, not you. He has emotional issues that he need to be in therapy for, issues that likely stem from well before you two were married. He needs to own his own behavior an lack of emotional discipline.It's his baggage and he's wrong to let it impact your marriage like this.

It seems abusive to me, too. But only "seems". I can't judge.

What I do think is that Aspies are vulnerable to psychological abuse. I have suffered psychological abuse from men before and I think it is because of my Asperger's ( or Asperger-type personality ). I have trouble working out what it means to be equal, or to be a person. How much should I sacrifice myself to my partner? How much should I expect from him? I really struggle with these questions.

I have never been able to understand what I am supposed to do in a relationship or what I am supposed to expect. At a very basic level.

My partner is NT. I try to think about what it would really mean to be equal with him. I think it would mean that I am not "the weird one" and he is not "the normal one". Even though that is true in the wider world, it does not have to be true when we are relating solely to each other. I would like to be able to switch off all the judgements of the world and be equal in our own bubble. I don't think it will ever happen but it might be fun to try.

I'm not 40 yet. I've been with my husband for about 15 years so we know all about each other by now. I didn't suspect anything until a couple years ago. We kinda discovered what it is together. It really did not matter. He has loved me for so long, now if I got this label that doesn't change what kind of person I am at all. Our relationship is the same as before and I certainly don't feel inferior.

I didn't read all the replies too carefully, but it sounds like the issue is not what condition you have, it's a general communication problem between you guys. It probably doesn't matter that he doesn't learn what Aspies are supposed to be like and supposed to think like, all he need to know about is you and how to communicate with you. Telling him you have this probably sounds (to him) like you're putting the responsibility of communication on him only, that he's the one who's supposed to understand and figure you out, and he doesn't want to take this big responsibility. I hope the counselor can help you guys figure out some easy ways to compromise and a happy middle ground. Don't think of it like you're the abnormal one and he's the normal one. Everyone is unique and has their own quirks, you're just you and he's just him.

I had a lot of "surprises" when I was younger, in relationships with so called NT guys, but I have learned more as I got older. By surprises, I mean, guys that I thought were hot in love with me would suddenly leave me (usually blaming me for stuff I didn't understand, who knows if they were accurate). I was even married for about 9 years and I thought we had a great relationship until the day he left for his younger secretary. It totally surprised me, although our mutual friends told me later he'd been having an open affair for months and I was the only one who didn't know. Once he left I was absolutely happy to be alone and do my own thing too, just as I had been happy in the marriage. I guess in the marriage I did a lot of my own thing too. I have a job that takes a lot of my time and I am passionately obsessed about riding my horse.

A guy showed up at my door one valentines when I'd been single for about 7 years, and he just never left. He loves me dearly and is honest and we've now been together over 15 years. He puts up with my quirks and I put up with his. The hardest thing is he is hearing impaired, so he likes everything really LOUD and I cannot physically stay in the same room without earplugs if he is playing the stereo or the tv. Oh and apparently I explain things too much. am I doing it now?

Well no, you don't explain too much in my opinion. Though I always seem to get the same comment from my husband and nothing can make me so mad than when he walks away halfway me explaining something, cause then I have to start all over again later.

I , apparently, don't explain things enough. I am forever saying, "I didn't mean X, I meant Y" or otherwise explaining and explaining what I'm trying to say because he just doesn't get it when I say it. Or when I clarify. Or when I re-clarify. There are days I just don't want to say anything because I don't want to have to go through that whole process.

Perfect!

LadyMadonna, sorry, the quote in my post above is yours.
I have not yet mastered this format.

I repeat what I said before: A relationship is roughly half self-nurturing, and roughly half nurturing your partner by giving to them.

If your partner gives a lot of nurturing to you, you spend less time self-nurturing and more time giving. If he gives less, you spend less time giving. The level of giving you do matches his level of giving.

But the constant is that you have enough nurturing (from yourself and your partner) to meet your needs. This is a psychoanalytical element of relationships - you have some interdependence with your partner, and you agree by unspoken contract you will each receive some of your nurturing from the other and have the privilege to expect nurturing from your partner. But nowhere in the contract do you sacrifice (giving too much more than your partner gives to you), or be forced to give (taking and coercion), or have to put up with "anti-nurturing" (like all those putdowns and outbursts).

AS people are naive. I think that naivety extends to our understanding of relationships. That understanding is childlike. A relationship is more complicated, but the reality can be understood and used by AS people.

manBrain, I can totally relate. I can't figure out what I'm saying wrong or why my husband doesn't understand my point (if any). He accuses me of being passive-aggressive if I add the words "...that's all" to the end of a sentence. I'm trying to let him know that he needs to take what I'm saying at face value because there is no hidden meaning. It's absurd because 'passive-aggressive' doesn't even fit. I just drop what I'm saying because trying to rephrase so that he understands just causes him to cut me off and point out that I'm repeating myself. And it's always about something beneign like the 'position of a table'.