How to say the correct things around NT's?

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I have no idea what are the correct or incorrect things to say. I just say what I genuinely think and feel, and I have no idea what people take away from that. I would say that in response to what I say, people read so much between the lines that they miss the lines themselves. I call this KrapKoating or the KrapKoater 3000.

The most frustrating thing to me is the alienation that happens when you try to communicate with NTs. At my work I am treated like I am "special" and not in a wonderful way. Makes for really hostile feelings and also feelings of not belonging ANYWHERE. I miss being a stay at home mom

That's a GREAT observation! But, how does an Aspie overcome being treated "special" by their coworkers? Everybody needs to feel belonged at work and at home in all social settings. How do we get them to treat us like humans and part of the human race?

I think that alot of what has been said here is relevant. It's alot to do with understanding context about what to ask people about themselves and when to talk and when not to talk. I find it a bit confusing, my coping method is to stay quiet. Although that makes me feel quiet isolated in the office I work in. I feel lonely stuck at my desk all day by myself.

Pets are a good subject, everyone loves to talk about their pets. And holidays are a huge topic of interest to people in my office.

Talking and talking and talking is not a good idea I've noticed. People don't like to be talked at.

Appearance is another issue. I have some friends who dress a bit odd and they get treated like they're odd. I have odd friends who dress normally, pretty girls, they slip under the radar, people think they are normal because they look normal.

Not correcting people or coming across as a know it all is also a big problem. People don't like to be told what to do. It infringes on their autonomy as grown adults and they don't like it. They also don't like to be treated like they're inferior. People like to be respected.

So, what kind of employment would be ideal for aspies, where aspies are fulfilled career wise in their job? Is it a job where they have minimal contact with people??? Such as a truck driver? Aspies would then feel lonely and isolated in a job like that and socially frustrated at work. What do you think?

Well, I can think of two things ...

(1) Having good coaches, and (2) working at it.

Speaking from my own experience, I had two coaches ... my children! From a very early age, they somehow recognized that I was different and as they grew up, it just became natural for them to help me with social situations. I know that probably sounds bizarre, but it's true.

And as for working at it ... you just have to keep trying, but you have to be smart about it. Analyze situations ... watch other people ... learn from them. But for gods' sake, don't learn from other aspies ... learn from the people who are socially successful. It's true that we are never going to be completely like them, but to say that we will never succeed in an NT world is complete BS.

It's frustrating as hell ... to not understand things that NT five-year-olds understand instinctively. So we have to do it differently. But it can be done.

I think it's all about finding an environment where you are comfortable and where the job and the people allow you to thrive and use your strengths and don't use your weaknesses to beat you about the head.

I have always struggled with the social aspect of work and have a terrible time holding down jobs.
My favourite job ever is the one I have at the moment (at first it was volunteering, so people were nice to me coz I was there from choice not for the money and there was less pressure). The work is very craft-y and hands on and methodical and I love it. I work in close proximity to one person who is very understanding of my "quirks" and teases me about being a "completeist" but in a nice way. I only really see any other people on tea or lunch breaks (always at the same times, regular routine!) where most people have their noses in books anyway, so I don't look antisocial when I read mine. If I see others throughout my day it's usually because they want something specific from me or visa versa. I have eased myself into passing social interactions gradually over the 18months I have been there and I still get things wrong. I try to learn from every interaction and improve for next time and mentally practice and rehearse (i.e. Most people use my name when saying hello, so I try to remember to do that too.) But basically I am just grateful that I am not bullied (as it is a much more mature working environment than what I was used to) and that people leave me alone to do my 'thing'.
The other week the head of department described me as "wonderful" in front of other people, with no sarcasm I could detect. Shame she is leaving soon.

EDIT: I just remembered something that I learned on a back-to-work self-esteem type course: it's the 40/40/20 rule.
The theory is thus:
40% of people will like you instantly on sight, no matter what you say or do.
40% of people will show latent goodwill and will probably like you most of the time.
20% of people will dislike you instantly on sight and there is NOTHING you can do to change this.

Now I know this rule is probably for NTs, but it helps me a lot to feel less anxious and not to internalise it if people aren't outwardly friendly...I just think to myself "OK, so this person is one of the 20%" or "This person is one of the 40% goodwill people, but they are very busy today and preoccupied in their thoughts".

I will have to remember this, definitely!

For me, finding an accepting boss/coworkers has helped. There are only two people in my office and they are both VERY neurotypical.

My boss is one of those nurturing types. She doesn't understand me, but she knows I add value to her office so she tries her best to accept my differences. Even though at times she pushes me to act more normal, she does it with good intentions. When she corrects my behaviors, she explains why. I am a professional and in order for me to be taken seriously by people outside the office I have to dress "professionally" and not say awkward things. She is kind about it, and quite accepting of me when it is just office people - and for me that is most of the time. At times I have to do a little bit of consulting outside our office, and then I have to be more careful. She has rearranged my position so that I never have to do any public speaking and even when possible talks to constituents that my predecessor would have talked to.

Things I do to cope - I now have a small set of what I am confident are work appropriate outfits, and depending on the weather I know what I will be wearing each day of the week. I try hard to keep my mouth shut in social situations. I don't see why it is wrong to use the term bum for homeless person, or call illegitimate children bastards, but it is upsetting to her and others. If I have to talk I ask questions about where people are from or tell them stories about my dogs.

This is a great thread. I'm constantly having run-ins with people or things that I wasn't even aware of. I enjoy being aloof, but I'd also like to know what I'm doing or saying that seems to be upsetting so many people.

This has been my approach. I personally do not see NT's going to counselling to learn how to live with people with aspies, thus I do not see why i should 'sell my soul' to talk to a few NT's who within a few more conversations realise that I am different and ignore me anyway. Nevertheless, with friends who put up with me (i.e. me going into detail or understand me not wanting to go out to the party) and i have known for years i will try and see things from there perspective when reflecting on the situation. I rarely stay silent, has in my experience most people will treat you as you can not think and have a low IQ.

I would agree with this, except I would guess (since some have less of a problem with TOM than others) that some on the spectrum might be able to guess what others are thinking, though it might require some thought. The OP should only say things which are likely to accomplish a goal relative to the person to whom they are speaking. For example, would talking about the weather make that person more relaxed around you? Aspies often hate small talk, but it does have a purpose (beyond the information itself.) What I hate is the fact that you can never be sure what the other person is thinking or how they will react to anything you say. One just has to make judgments based on the evidence available, as well as knowledge about the majority of peoople.

I think it's a matter of learning people's reaction. Over time I have learnt that humor is the best way to say things that I predict they can hurt, and when I say something I usually observe their faces to see if I can find non-verbal cues that can make me realize I said something wrong, which then I can correct or say in other words. I, personally, observe everyone's faces around me, and I memorize cues for future conversations, it's a lot of effort and some headaches, but hey, if you want to relate with the rest of the world you must do an effort.