Older aspies and social cues

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I just wish more guys here would realize that even stumbling around in the dark will get you where you're going as long as you keep trying. You just gotta be willing to bruise your shins on the coffee table of rejection a few times. Trip over the sleeping cat of making-an-ass-of-yourself. But, eventually, you'll make it to the kitchen of acceptance for your midnight snack of love.

I might have taken the metaphor a bit too far.

You're probably right. I had a few of those (ie rejections) too. That said, it would have been nice to have realised they weren't interested before making them actually say it clearly in words each time. There are of course other reasons why some of us here don't/didn't have partners. Such as hardly going out of the house due to one's obsessions, for example. It's a whole range of things which combine to make it less likely that we will meet someone.

I assume social cues are things like when it's acceptable to hug someone or kiss them. I am still clueless with this so my only social cue is having others make the move first. Someone who would miss this would have a hard time understanding why it's wrong to hug and kiss people because they see others do it when they aren't even married or related so they find it okay to do it and don't understand why others don't like them doing it. In that person's mind, other people are just being weird.

I think another example would be you go to work and someone there always talks to you and is friendly with you. You know they are just your acquaintance and they are just very nice people and polite. But for someone to miss this social cue would mistake them as a friend so they try and invite them outside of work to go with them somewhere or to come to their house but they decline. They then think that person had been pretending to be their friend and had been faking it and not even understanding they were just an acquaintance and they don't want things outside of work. They prefer to keep work and their personal life separate.

I think another example be you are talking to someone and you ask them a question and they don't answer. You know right away they don't want to answer it and it's none of your business. Someone who misses this cue would think they were thinking or that they forgot to answer or they just didn't hear them so they keep asking until they get it. With me I do three strikes and if they fail to answer it three times, I assume they are ignoring it intentionally so that way they won't get mad at me. And sometimes I am just too paranoid so I assume they think its none of my business so I stop talking to them not knowing what else wouldn't be my business.

I remember in Mozart and the Whale (the book) Jerry wrote about when he went to college and he liked this girl in his math class so he would ask her out and she would say no every time. He would keep asking her out and then one day she stopped coming to class so he started to call her on the phone, she never answered so he kept calling her. The social cue he missed was she was not interested in him and she was too polite to tell him she didn't want to go out with him and that she is not into him. So one day some man showed up at his dorm door step and told him how she quit that class because of him and how she was avoiding him and he told him about the three strike rule, ask a girl out three times and if she has said no every time, don't ask her out again.

I have gotten better with social cues over the years. But in my childhood I was very bad at reading them even though I copied other kids. I think aspie kids misread them too so that is why some say we have a hard time with them than saying we don't pick up on them.

I am like others and can be an introvert from comment of old friend of 40+ years, and my mother said i missed some social cues and i may have missed many a cue from opposite sex that may have had an interest in me. So needless to say i am often clueless, some things i read that are obvious like smile or frown but other expressions i may get utterly wrong and i will be 60 in October And i am clueless if sanyoe is interested in me too. my focus problems is what killed my marraige so i have not been out with another other then family in about 10 years. I would love to find a gf but older now, looks gone, its a small miracle to find conversation so here in forums or by word or emoted gestures i can show things. The first time a woman made a pass at me i didnt know how to react because so far as i know its never happened before and it was only an online person me. Every attempt to go from online to life has failed at the initial meeting. The thing is being adult aspie there is very little help for socializing. and i have been trying through books since the 70s before i knew i was aspie. The books might help but if not presented how you learn, they are no help. This is exactly the area i need the most help with and not finding much , maybe because i am older and more used to face to face teaching reading a book is just a book. And frustration with this is wht often leaves me in tears then i just cnat function at all.

Ditto on just about everything above. Social stuff I've gotten better at is basic conversation, including chit chat - though if there are hidden meanings or codes or signals of some kind (like someone signalling they're attracted to me) I'm still very likely to miss them. The other day, for example, an NT friend called from someone else's party and kept saying "I miss you! You should come over!" However, this friend is big on joking sometimes, and try as I might I couldn't figure out if she was joking this time or not. I finally asked, saying I didnt know if she was serious or not, and she just laughed. Eventually I just said I was going home, as I know enough now to not show up where I haven't specifically been invited.

Some of my current conversation skills I do now without thinking, but others I still have to think my way through. For example, now I know to just ask people questions about themselves or what they just said when I'm floundering talking with someone, and people believe I'm a friendly person because I cued their ego. Questions like "oh yeah? how'd that work out for you?" are amazing for getting through NT conversation.

But I myself rarely talk about my special interests, or do anything else to show I'm too "different" if I can help it, among people who might bully or look down on me - as I still have that happen far too often.

One thing that's never changed is that I always assume I've figured out more than I have. Just this morning my NT spouse was telling me something else obviously aspergian I do that I had no idea wasn't what everyone else always does. This is definitely a lifelong learning for me.

I really wish we could start training people to use different terminologies when describing AS symptoms. It's not exactly "AS people fail to pick up on" as much as "AS must learn [social cues] concretely instead of intrinsically and abstractly." Obviously, no one, AS or NT, will pick up on something that they haven't learned, which does lend itself towards the learning disability descriptor, but... It's like saying an NT not very good at math "fails to pick up on" algebraic concepts. It's not necessarily a failing as much as it's not a strong suit and instead requires much more concerted effort. Does society automatically say that if a person isn't good at math and therefore can't understand mathematical concepts like algebra and calculus intrinsically, then that means they have a learning disability? No. It's unfair to look upon the autistic difficulties with learning social cues as being any different from someone else not being able to grasp higher-level mathematical concepts. Just because someone is not good with math doesn't mean that over time they can't eventually learn algebra, and the same holds true for AS people and social cues.


I have a friend that said I was the first person he'd ever noticed flirting with him. I told him I think it's because I'm incapable of being subtle. He's a nice enough looking, cute guy, and his job takes him to various offices all around town. I told him I wouldn't be surprised if many women have harmlessly flirted with him at least a little and he just wasn't picking up on it. He probably just always thought they were simply being friendly.


See my comment above.

Impossible to really say whether I have got better at this or not.

For one thing, the very nature of failing to pick up on social cues is an inherent lack of awareness so how do I know when or if I am missing them? I can think of some occasions where I have become aware of things later because they have been pointed out to me, but I am not sure whether these represent the whole history of my mistakes in this area, or just some random selection. And just because I have made some errors, does this mean I have a particular difficulty or is it just the normal pattern of things for most people? I can, incidentally, also think of times where I have picked up on things.

Secondly, although I do not attract the same level of hostility that I did as a child and teenager, what does this mean? Have my social skills improved? Are adults more subtle in letting people know they are disliked and I am failing to pick up on it? (Certainly with one group it turned out to be the case that I was not welcome and took me a long time to figure this out.) Is it that I have greater freedom to decide who I spend my time with - I don't, for example, have to keep attending classes day in, day out with people who clearly hate me?

The one thing I think has come with getting older is that I worry a lot less about whether people like me or not. On matters of importance I will generally just ask someone what they are thinking and tell them what my intentions are. If they choose to be dishonest in their responses I tend to think that it is then on their own heads if they don't get the response they would have liked - nobody can be expected to be a mind reader no matter how socially gifted they are.

Yes, much better with age.

NOT necessarily so ^^^^

IF you don't study up on this kind of stuff, it isn't likely to come its own. For Aspies in general, it's a conscious process, not an unconscious or natural one. IF you study it, and learn how to do it in your own way, it will get better over time with a lot of practice. For a lot, or even most of us, it's not an easy process.

As someone who just recently discovered I have Asperger's I was aware of my social struggles but, didn't understand why. It has gotten better for me though. I'm lucky because I was a ballerina, and that involves a lot of acting. I've always been a really good mimic too. I much prefer sharing molecules than texting, etc. When all I have is words, I take them literally. Specifically, it's become easier to tell when I'm talking "too much" and maybe the person is getting bored; or if the person I'm talking to doesn't understand me. I very much prefer to have a small group of close friends and larger groups of people I consider acquaintances. When it's someone I know well, I have become much much better on the phone. It's frustrating to me that so many people prefer to do the majority of their communication via writing. Also, as I've gotten older I've become less concerned about whether I'm understood or not. As in, if someone understands the words coming out of my mouth, that's great. If they don't, that's OK too. I'm just not as concerned about "fitting in." Like some of the others here, when it comes to (men for me) and flirting, attraction, etc. I'm horrible at picking up on this. That goes both ways. I'm mystified when a guy thinks I've been flirting with him, or interested in him that way, when I'm not at all. I honestly don't know what I've done to suggest that. This is long winded, just hope something I've said helps. In my next relationship I'll be able to be clear about all parts of me, Asperger's being just one. I'm definitely hopeful that this will help. Romantic or platonic, try to surround yourself with open minded people, who accept you just as you are.

I belive that you pick up on more cues just because some elts said this mean this. But as you get older you tend to deal with less new people so you might think you're doing better, and its just the people around you just take you as being excentric and they compansate for you're short commings. Bummer but it happens.

When I do pick up signs, it usually people who wish I would disappear which is annoying, but I usually avoid confrontation with them. Those other times I lunge forward in attack mode(verbally) not giving an inch.

With most people i compile a "library" of interaction with them, but i still see people i regularly meet who throw me off constantly and i don't understand why. I know to stop short of spewing a monlogue at them, and i try to keep some back-and-forth, but i just know i put them off in some way.

I'm 28 now and i've been really working hard on my people skills for a very long time. With clients at work i can get away with it by keeping on topic and impressing them that way, being a font of information is a great way to mask social shortcomings in that instance.

With people i know there is always that boundary between acquaintance and friend, even after years of knowing people i can't seem to breach it very easily. To this day i have three actual friends and it took years to get to that point.

When i was diagnosed last year it was a great relief to understand my past, but at the same time it placed a "ceiling" on my future. As hard as i try, there isn't a cure, but i'll continue to work on my "libraries".

I don't mean to sound depressing, i'm capable in a social work environment and my friends are truly great. I met my first girlfriend, of five years now, at the age of twenty three, and i will marry her. On the whole, my life is most fulfilling, it just takes a lot of work.

I've gotten beter with age. Actually reading about what things to look for when someone flirts and then putting it ito practice: eg. hey that girl i am talking to glances down at my lips every once in awhile. (means she is subconsciously thinking about kissing you). It's all about manually learning the tells. Now I still have problems with eye contact with new people especially. And I still get flustered and brain freeze when I am approached or think about approaching, but it's like practicing anything...you will get better eventually, just keep the negativity at bay.

A situation came up recently which illustrates the problem for me. I am in a long-term relationship and I am not looking to meet anyone else. However, the not too young and not too old receptionist at a company I go to looks really sweet and sits in a completely empty, huge reception area looking lost. I always think when I am there "if I didn't have a partner I'd really like to get to know this person, but because I have a partner I mustn't because that could lead to problems" . I never talk to her beyond the few words needed to find out where I need to go each time but we interact in a slightly different way in terms of some kind of subtle cues compared to how I normally interact with receptionists. I think she is flirting with me and that I am flirting with her, but I'm not sure. On one of my recent visits she kind of winked in a super-friendly way with both eyes, which I suppose may have been to show liking. On another occasion when she said "bye" to me in English out of the blue as I was leaving the building I couldn't work out how to open the glass doors to get out of the building although I have been going there for a long time. It was really embarrassing. The reason I couldn't open the doors was because she had distracted me at exactly the moment I was going to open the door and I had to work out how the doors opened because my automatic-pilot had been thrown off track by having to respond to this "bye" which came out of nowhere. I looked really helpless and confused, which may have given the unintentional signal that I was shy and interested, but really I don't want to "chat up" this person because I have a partner and it wouldn't be appropriate in my scheme of things to chat up other women. If I didn't like her it would be ok to chat but because I do it isn't, if that makes sense. Anyway, the whole thing could simply be completely imagined on my part. When I was young this kind of thing was even worse. At least now I'm sort of half getting some idea of what things might mean what even if I don't know whether it does actually mean anything in reality.

I'm pretty sure I've gotten worse with age. I just haven't been able to keep up with changing social cues as others age. It feels like whenever I finally manage to catch up, by the time I get there, everyone else has moved on and switched to a whole new social language.