Sex life and AS?

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I've only recently realized I have AS. It explains so many of the "idiosyncrasies" that I had always thought were caused by an abusive childhood. I have AS and my husband is NT. He is very supportive and patient with me. We have been together 12 years. Together, we have 4 kids.

Needing time alone is probably one of the things that has caused the most anxiety, but sometimes I need to be completely alone. When he used to work full-time, it wasn't a problem. I had time alone when he went to work and the kids were in school on my days off. Then he started working from home and was home all the time. Now that we've moved, he works part-time in the evenings so I am never alone. By the time he goes to work, the kids are at home. He says he doesn't mind if I leave and go somewhere to be alone but I like being alone at home. I don't DO anything special. Just knowing I am at home and I don't have to do anything for anyone else calms me down. He tells me I can tell him to leave so I can be alone for an hour but ... I don't want an HOUR. I want a whole DAY. I feel like I am suffocating. It isn't the same to have them in the other room because they are still THERE. We just moved to be closer to his mom who has breast/bone cancer. I'm in a new state. No friends. New house. New job that I am really, really struggling with. I can't quit because I am the breadwinner of the family so I just have to take the humiliation until it gets better or until I find another job. I am already completely overwhelmed. I feel like I am drowning.

The first five-six years of our marriage were very good. The last six/seven have been rougher. I had severe post-partum depression with my youngest son (he's six). I didn't want another baby when I found out I was pregnant. I am against abortion, so that wasn't an option for me. I was just devastated. When our son was born he looked and acted nothing like the other 3. He was blond and blue eyed and cried all the time and got into everything. He's six now but he still pushes buttons and boundaries constantly. I really struggled after he was born. No one realized I had PPD and so the reaction I received was "Suck it up and be happy. He's healthy." That only made me spiral deeper and deeper into depression. I felt like such a failure. I think that was the start of the decline in our sex life. For the past seven years sex has been a big DEAL in our marriage.

I was already struggling from PPD and I didn't feel like having sex. He felt rejected. When we did try to have sex, he couldn't perform or it wasn't good. It isn't that he doesn't go out of his way to make sure I am satisfied. He does. But his inability to sustain an erection has felt like a personal affront to me. He saw a doctor who told him his equipment is fine. He feels it is in his head because I rejected him so often. While I appreciate that he is sharing his feelings it just blames me even more. It isn't enough that I feel like he can't sustain an erection with me but now it's also my fault for rejecting him when I was struggling to keep my own head above water.

I feel like everything revolves around sex with him. I wish he was like other guys and could just take a quickie when I am tired and don't really care to participate, but no. He can't do that. He has to feel like I am 100% in the mood and even then half the time his penis doesn't freaking work. I feel so frustrated. Most times I am not in the mood anyway. I do not know why. He tells me "I love you and because I love you, I want to have this intimacy with you. Don't you want it with me." I want to scream "NO!" No. I really don't. Sex with you is just one more way I fail at things and right now I just can't take one more thing I am failing at. I don't want to be manually stimulated into orgasm. I can do THAT myself and do a better, quicker job of it.

Why can't I feel like he does? Why can't I desire the intimacy that he does? It just feels like a huge burden to me. I want to flirt and kiss on him throughout the day but if I do then he thinks it means I want to have sex that night. If I don't then I'm sending "mixed messages". So instead I just withdraw all affection so that I don't somehow send him the wrong message. I just wish he could go out and get laid somewhere else. Except for our sex life, our marriage is good.

Does anyone else with AS feel this way?

it seems that many aspies have problems with their sex lives, in one form or another. problems with communications seem to be the heart of it.

Yeah, I'm in a double AS relationship and sex is the one thing that is endlessly frustrating for both of us. I can't say it's never satisfying, because it is in a way, but I feel the same as you, I don't care about sexual intimacy, long as we're hugging and kissing throughout the day-- everything's fine.

I definitely sympathize with how complicated your situation is and how aggravating it can be to have such different needs than 'normal' people... being new to AS myself I don't have much advice but I think you'll be able to work through it together, besides in NT/NT relationships, after they have kids, sex does change. You have a lot on your plate and I'd really recommend communicating to your family that you need more time and more space than usual, they love you, they'll understand. It's hard for people when they feel rejected and you have to go out of your Aspie way to comfort and reassure them of your affections (something not inherently natural to us).

Wish you the best.

Turns out there is a small library on the subject. The closest I've come to sex is grinding, but I haven't given up. But I can understand to an extent how sex can be challenging for two people with AS. As culture shows, miscommunication during sex is just bad.

I'd imagine part of it is practice, combined with honesty and most importantly mutual understanding and trust. It's, as Billy Joel would say, a matter of trust. But if I was in a relationship, I don't think I'd need sex every day or even on a more than once a week basis. Too much sex takes away from it being special, but I guess that's the one old fashioned thing about me. Cuddling is that one thing I desire in a relationship on an affection scale. That and Eskimo kisses.

What a tough time for you guys. Just setting aside depression, just daily stress can really put a damper on sex. Is there anyway someone could watch your children for a weekend? If you can get some alone time in, and then spend some quality time together maybe the rest will follow without the pressure or feeling like a chore for you.

I don't know that I can add anything useful. Our sex life is non-existent, has been for some time. The longer it goes, the less I want any contact at all. I think it is a good sign you enjoy other expressions of affection - but I understand how you don't want them to lead to sex and yes, I have wished my husband would go out and find sex elsewhere. His drive is not high, so when I have tried talking about it - he just turned his back and said he can live without it - but the tension is ever there.

You have a very busy life with 4 - right now, the emptiness at my house emphasizes the problems. I dunno.

The best to you,

LM

I constantly think of sex, I love good sex. Im always remembering my ex boyfriend because sex was amazing with him. I feel comfortable with my body during intimacy because I workout and im in great shape. My ex felt I was just using him for sex which upset him as he desired to pursue something serious and get married and have kids. I did love him but it is true, I just wasnt ready to settle down.
Im back with my ex husband. In my case I feel traped because it feels like sex with him is not as good. I hate that. Hes very sweet and caring but I dont like to have sex with him. Its unsatisfying, I always pretent to be too tired.

I'm 30 and still at home so a sexlife or a boyfriend is out of the question.

I have heard lots of stories like this and it does not sound like an Aspie problem.

Sounds more like a generic relationship problem with two people who have lived their lives together, undergoing a change (you said you moved) and finding out that it changed the whole situation to worse, or did not deliver the change that both hoped for when they moved.

My advice is to go and see a couples councellor.

what sex

Last edited by glow on 11 Mar 2013, 6:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm speaking from past experience, and can also urge you to get a babysitter on a regular basis. Half the time you use the babysitter would be for you to be alone and get re-balanced. Do what you need for you to be o.k. again. The other half for you and your husband to get away, relax, get seriously back on the same wavelength. Make some deals about the sex that both can agree on. If you guys can talk it out while you relax somewhere free of the cares for a little while on a regular basis it might help a lot. I wish you the best.

A "Sex life"...? Rings a bell but nothing comes to mind.

mommabrer... I can really relate to what you're saying! For years, therapists have been going over and over my abusive childhood in an attempt to "fix" me. I just found out that I have Asperger's and it explains all of my problems. I'm so relieved to be able to stop dwelling on past events and just accept myself as I am! I have two small children and had severe PPD after the first was born. My husband works from home, so I never have any time alone, either. When I get stressed out, I slow down and retreat (which I'm constantly doing, since I never have any alone time to decompress). When my husband gets stressed out, he works harder and faster. So, he tries to take everything over and treat me like an invalid, which certainly doesn't help me feel any better. And then he burns out and gets angry. He tells me that I can go in the bedroom when I need time alone, but really... sitting on the bed while he plays with the kids downstairs is not alone time. It just makes me feel like a freak. And very, very guilty. If he would leave me alone in the house, I could get lots of work done. But I just shut down when there's so much stimulation.

Sometimes, I take the kids on little overnight vacations. I feel like I can calm down then because I don't have to worry about how I'm being perceived and try to interpret my husband's emotions. Even navigating an international airport with a toddler and preschooler seems more calming than spending time with my family at home - there is structure, a goal, and no need to monitor my body language or try to interpret another adult's emotions! When I'm away from my husband, I miss him so much. But when I'm with him, it's really overwhelming and stressful. I'm always retreating. I wish my husband could take the kids on overnight trips sometimes, but since he earns the money and works from home, it's always too much of an expense for him to take that time away from his job.

I can understand your frustration about sex, although our problems are the opposite. I find sex calming and reassuring. The more stressed out I get, the more I want that connection with my husband. But he doesn't want it and has all sorts of anxiety/depression about his lack of desire. Even mentioning sex makes him feel guilty and panicky. We're doing better lately, but it sometimes feels a little like coercion or something. And sometimes, in the middle of it, the stimulation suddenly becomes overwhelming and unbearable, and I panic. That certainly doesn't help.

I don't know what the answer is, but you definitely aren't alone. How did you finally realize that you have AS?

As an aside, Ive posted elsewhere on my theory that an abusive childhood which can indeed damage the way the brain functions, can cause it to develop the same symptoms as Aspergers, now on this one page there are three of us suffered abusive Childhoods.

As for the being alone, though I hate being single and unloved, at the same time I acknowledge that I would find it harder and very tiring to constantly be in somebody elses company, maybe if my Love for them was so strong it would be alright, but Iam certainly never going to settle for somebody whos better than nothing as I think "nothing " is probably better in my case.

Back in the day when Men where Men, they used to have a shed down the garden in which they would supposedly be doing necessary man things, pottering they called it, in reality it was just so a man could be alone, it was his own domain. The Woman still had the house to herself.
Maybe thats why marriages seemed to work better in the old days,


As for the sex bit, does your husband masturbate as a substitute for when you do not wish to be available?
It might be that his sexual desire has been tuned into alternative sources of mental stimulation than you. Or maybe he hasn't left his desire for long enough to build up to be stronger than his anxiety with you?
Maybe if you let him know you would always be available for him when he absolutely has to have it, he would leave it long enough knowing you would be there for him by the time the pressure has built up to ensure his erection remains.

I think he needs to rethink his approach to sex. He seems to have a problem in approach - about needing you to have an orgsm, needing you both to get very intimate every time. Tell him that you want to love him by giving him quickie sex just for him, whenever he wants it. Tell him women's sex drive for physical intimacy etc may decline (possible temporarily) at your age. If he expects less, then good things could come. Experimenting with quicker sex just for him could even be funny!

While I agree with some of the above, as a sexologist, I do want to pass along that women's drive for physical intimacy does not necessarily EVER decrease. There is a drop in estrogen at menopause in the absence of hormone replacement, but that does not typically result in a decreased drive, all things being equal. In fact, initiation of sex typically INCREASES as testosterone levels are "unmasked" as it were. Men's testosterone decreases during andropause, but that doesn't mean they are less interested in sex either. In fact, women reach their secual peak around 35-40. (YAY!)

I would not be at all surprised to find that any decrease in drive was related to anxiety levels, as this is the number one cause of female inorgasmia, and resulting lack of interest. His erectile dysfunction is also probably related to anxiety. There are some good relaxation exercises couples can do together, some as part of a prelude to sex (I call them sexercises). These might help you both.

Hubby being "goal-oriented" is a very common situation. many men seem to feel that they are responsible for thir partner's orgasms. Failure to achieve this goal can increase stress, making the erection problem worse. If possible, perhaps you guys can agreee on how often to ty to have physical intimacy, (scheduling it, while "unromantic" can help) , and what specifically you do can depend on the mood at the time. You might want to consider making a "Sex Menu" together of the kinds of things you enjoy, and "order" from it, so that things retain their spontaneity.

As other posters have noted, communication is key, and a counselor might be helpful.