I don't know where I belong in this world

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This may seem like a sad post but it's not. It just means I have a lot to figure out. Life isn't supposed to be easy.

I don't feel like I have a real identity. Everything I value in myself is somewhat influenced by the external, our culture, by other people's thoughts. What makes me feel like I have high value seems to be based off what others have decided is valuable, like money, status and having things to be proud of.

Unfortunately I have embarrassed myself many times in the past for being so different, and that seems to prevent me from feeling an internal sense of peace. I don't know who I really am, have no idea how accurately I predict how people perceive me and I have no idea what the point of this life is and if I don't value conventional values like love, sex and money which seem to give people more of a desire to breathe extra breaths each day then what am I doing?

Not having these common ambitions hurts me because it makes life feel more pointless. One solution I've heard fro my friends is to play more games and write, distracting myself in a world of entertainment. I can see the value in writing but I don't feel like drowning myself in mind-numbing dopaminergic activities is the answer. It just makes me more lazy, and makes it harder for me to overcome the complacency regarding a lack of activities and events going on in my life.

I feel like I'm in need of some 'soul searching' and could use some inner peace to make the most boring and mundane life circumstances feel ok, but some people find that peace by having children or doing something big and impressive like starting a company or traveling to a million countries and I just don't see these as options for me. There seem to be so few viable job opportunities out there nowadays too.

I feel like I yearn to feel fulfilled, and I yearn to be satisfied with myself. But not knowing how to get there and being chronically stuck in low motivation due to what feels like laziness and apathy doesn't help. It just makes me rot. If anyone relates or has any advice let me know.

Start slow by identifying one thing you like. Whether that interest came from external source or not does not matter, all that should matter is that you like it.