Want to seem trustworthy to adult neighbors

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Oh my, the local gentry can really be a handful sometimes. Fortunately mine haven't gotten quite that bold (and hope they don't). But that does sound like a very effective solution.

There are some people in my family who fit that description very well -- not well-educated but quite good at solving problems. Though some of those "naturally" intelligent people in my family are also a bit devious, and that quality has helped them find some wealth but maybe less so contentment. On my father's side though, the men in particular seem to have the autistic traits, including the kind of straightforward honesty I associate with that.

Thanks for chatting ToughDiamond It's been nice meeting you. I am most definitely an oddball, but will keep doing the best I can.

Don't mention it Hope you find your feet with the neighbours socially.

Thank you. I think I am making good steps towards that with most of my neighbors. I walk around the neighborhood and many of them are quite friendly. And I went out and faced down those local gentry that were harassing me, without being too impolite in front of the other neighbors, and just stood my ground. The result is that they quit there shenanigans for a short while, but now they've just started up with more subtle and persistent harassment. I don't think they'll quit until I move if I'm honest. If I had more social connections it would really help. I considered getting a roommate, but the person I offered the room to thought about it and declined. Having an ally would help, though maybe I'm so curmudgeonly and cantankerous that I would be miserable with someone living in my space. Well it's not the end of the world, I will figure something out.

They haven't flipped my car though, so maybe I should count myself lucky. Instead they just loiter on the street outside my window and talk in obnoxious tones. Or come in late at night blasting their music and slamming their car doors.

Sounds like a good place to relocate from.....you may very well be mistaken if you consider your neighbours as Adults based on your last post.. But if you can deal with the situation. Bewarre of people preferring to bring you down to a lower level of being vs being yourself.. You probably do well , not to appear as anything to the people outside your house you described. Not too friendly and visa versa . Let time go by and get a feel for your neighbours .
(Just my opinion)

I think you are right that it would be a good place to relocate from. I just moved here recently though, and moving is so much work. And I don't have any help from anyone right now. I moved to this area about six months ago, and still don't really know anyone outside of work yet. And the only thing my family would help me with is to move back into the small town where they live, and there are no good jobs for me there, unless I could get a fully remote one. My family doesn't really understand somebody who would want to move away from the home town. I lived away for years and moved back, and then realized I no longer fit there very well. I really feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place now.

I think you are also right that they are not adults. Even if by age they would be considered so. I often make that mistake with people -- struggling to understand other people's maturity levels. Maybe it is a theory of mind deficit or something like that with me. I fall into assuming most people are thinking like reasonably mature adults.

I definitely think you are right about them bringing me down and not appearing as anything to them. All I did last night was play my television at a low volume and they came out and started causing a ruckus. All I have really let them do so far is put me in a grumpy mood, which they and the other neighbors could probably see -- I'm not great at hiding my emotions, unfortunately. It really seems like I'm going to have to pull the blinds and not use my TV or kitchen, to not draw their attention. They seemed to have really singled me out now, and will respond to anything I do. This place is at the upper end of my budget too, so eating out will get expensive. But you never know how far they would escalate things, I guess, or who else they might be involved with.

They have definitely made me very nervous, being mostly alone on my own and dealing with them. I recently talked with someone at work with HR duties and vaguely told them what's going on, and just that helped me feel a bit better about it. I moved here to take this job, and I love the work itself, though I'm having a bit of trouble pleasing the management in some ways. I guess I will start planning out possible next moves in terms of a job and relocation.

I don't know if it's some kind of economic or sociological factor, but I have run into more people like this in the past few years than ever before. Maybe it's from growing up in a sheltered small town -- which itself has very much gone down hill due to an economic downturn now. I guess I have gotten a little less shy and timid than I was when younger too, so maybe people before just found me very nonthreatening. Now I still try to be very polite and civil.

Last edited by microprogrammer on 24 May 2024, 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

When I said confronting them, I mainly just came out and said hi to them as I was going about my business, and spent some time outside my house, reading a bit on the porch, cleaning my car, and things like that, while trying to look calm and relaxed. Which worked okay until they started taunting me. But I did keep my cool, I just probably didn't look as happy. But I won't keep taking that approach. I will just try to look uninteresting and try to ignore them, and to plan wisely for the future.

Lots of NT s that lack adult maturity ..when in smaller groups , may just feel the need to be acknowledged, but use
what they knew as children to get attn. bad or Good . Sometimes , point casually making a small pointing gesture to them making very momentary eye contact will work if you go right back to what you are doing ...But this is far from a guarrantee that they may want to take things further. ...Cannot advise about those situations ...but sometimes noting something , they are wearing or anything, you might feel to compliment one of them on ? But being pressured to react ..should be a reason for a " disturbing the peace citation" but local police , usually , like here, will not even bother to send a cop out unless you can claim they are armed somehow. And Or a act of violence has occurred. And that generallly
will cause police to want verification of such acts. But it is the age ""cell phones"" . It will gain you no friends, but making pictures of them attempting to force interaction will temporarily cause them to rethink . Their positions .
Keeping your phone set to camera. May possibly give some ease of mind. But their pride as a group ,maynot allow them to disperse. Immediately , for fear of being called a chicken amongst their own group..
Just offered as a Thought given , what has been presented in this thread .
If necessary , Police will need to hear the words, that you feel in fear for your safety or life ,fyi plz use your own best judgement . if feeling threatened.

Last edited by Jakki on 24 May 2024, 10:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

But I am not despairing. This is a problem that can be solved. I've been a conscientious worker and have a decent resume, so I can find another job (if it would come to that). I can maybe find a psychologist or support group that could help me make connections or find resources in the area. Maybe my current company would let me go remote and move if I ask them very nicely even (though it's not very likely). I will be peaceful towards my neighbors, no matter how they treat me, because being angry hurts me as much as anything to be honest, but will do my best to not let them get me down too much either.

Edit: I checked and my company insurance doesn't cover psychologists, apparently Well that was just a thought.

Last edited by microprogrammer on 24 May 2024, 10:56 am, edited 2 times in total.

I didn't reload the page before posting my reply so didn't see your last reply before sending it. But what you say very much makes sense to me, and definitely sounds like a lot of what is going on here. I think there could be a certain element of not wanting to look like a chicken in front of their social circle. I have also felt that they want some attention somehow.

When I moved in I noticed that another neighbor had a camera pointing at them. That should have been a red flag to me in hindsight, and I should have cancelled the lease. Though maybe it was too late for that by then. I do think that there are some neighbors here that are mature and responsible, with families and young children.

I was thinking about what you said about reporting their behavior too. I think that what they are doing is subtle enough that the police probably couldn't do anything. They could always just say "I was talking to a friend on the phone" or something like that. But I imagine it's very clear to everyone that it is threatening and disrespectful and bothersome too. I'm not the kind of person to do well in these kind of sustained confrontations, years ago I would probably just go to pieces and hide in my house. But I've gotten much more able to stay calm and keep doing what I need to in spite of things like this.

I'm really feeling that my judgment is lacking when it comes to people. I should be much more skeptical and savvy about sizing up people in different situations. It's really a blind spot for me to be so naive. And there is no doubt that I am eccentric and neurodivergent, which probably makes some people (like them) nervous, and doesn't always help my case with others. But live and learn. I'll do better next time. And work very hard on those social skills.

Thanks for your suggestions, they have been helpful to give me ideas to think about, and don't worry, I will be very cautious and careful. My feeling is that they won't go beyond just annoying and intimidating, and I won't escalate.

I almost didn't post this, but it's where I'm at, so I think I will:

I am exhausting this topic. But I hung out on the porch a bit more this afternoon, and was able to stay a lot more calm and relaxed. I took the day off work and rested up a bit and got calmed down, and went out and enjoyed the area for a while, then hung out outside when I got back home. One of the guys went out and was revving the engine in his car in front of me, and I just stayed calm (mostly) and kept relaxing and reading (or at least trying to look relaxed and trying to focus on reading). And the guys came out and started doing their thing over there, and I just stayed calm and did my own thing. And they did seem to lose interest and keep doing their own thing.

Well, maybe I spoke just a little too soon: One of them came out and was carrying on a bit. But I'm just not going to pay attention, and will stay neutral and calm and try to be very boring and nonthreatening. There's no reason to assume it had anything to do with me. I'm pretty well locked in living here, at least for a while, so I will try to make the best of it, while being careful.

I noticed that some of my other neighbors seem a little nervous around me too. I feel like some might be making some assumptions that I'm unfriendly, based on how they seem to act towards me. I guess some people will always make some assumptions or just take a while to warm up, or some people try to challenge you a little before they accept you. But I'm going to keep taking walks and hanging out outside and working on being calm and friendly, so that they get comfortable with me around. That will make me feel so much better I think, if I can get more used to that.

Definitely a lot of the issue is that I've moved to a new place and know almost nobody. And my family doesn't talk to me much after I moved, and my long-term girlfriend and I separated a while before I moved. I have always been very shy, and this is just forcing me to open up and meet people. I joined some meetup groups related to my interests, and plan to go to some of those. But I was also thinking that once I manage to get comfortable and meet some people, that will be a really good accomplishment. I will have learned how to meet and connect with people in a new place. Not that I haven't done that before, actually, but in the past I think I had more connections to old friends and family to lean on, and now I don't really feel I have that.

If anyone stumbles on this post and also struggles with being shy or having social anxiety, or is forced to start out alone in a new place, I hope they are able to take some encouragement from the fact that someone else has gone through that and it has worked out pretty much okay, despite many difficulties. And I'm sure there will be more difficulties to come, as usual. But I will keep trying.

You sound as if you are doing very well to keep your head about you..As have spent much time around the after market ,hotrod car ,show circuit and general aftermarket automotive industry, (TYVM previous late husband .)
The revving of engines around someones home environment , can be the Youngsters idea of tuning their cars , to show off or go racing. It is a generational testosterone thing. ( basically it becomes their special interest ) And often people
can get kinda annoyed at these behaviours. More noise is more like a testofest (macismo)to share with other carguys .
Companies have made huge aftermarket industry businesses around this concept of Carguy manhood .Had brothers growing up, Whom had contracted this disease . Grew up seeing this over and over..The noise is quite a nuisciance.
But men ( boys)can be very competitive amongst themselves and " if their car is louder,meaner sounding" Shows a greater commitment to this form of childhood/ manhood . . . .it is a mentality ,
Most parents do not approve , I do not think, but often , if their semi adult children are doing car things, it can be often better than the alternative trouble their kids can get into. Might suggest you invest in some bose noise canceling earbuds., while you are living in the area. Many of these semi adults do not grow up, and Cars will become part of their lives. But can be better for parents of their children do not get into a life of crime, hopefully .
And someday these people will get old, and if they fo not deafen themselves, their ears as they age , very possibly will become sensative to loud noises. And if they have kids, it will come back on them, i think. Take your time at your new place, explore things , maybe. try to make the most of your time while being there.

It sounds like you really understand my situation quite well honestly. I'm definitely living in the middle of a testofest And as I've gotten older my nerves have gotten more touchy and my ears more sensitive, that's definitely true. I actually grew up in a family that was a bit similar. I used to go to hot rod shows with my grandfather. And some of my highschool friend group was a bit similar too. So I suppose I should understand some of where they're coming from. And I seem to have earned their respect temporarily, though I expect to be challenged on that on a daily basis -- I'll definitely just keep my neutrality. I'll enjoy the surroundings while looking for a place that suits my fondness for peace and quiet, which seems to grow year by year

Well if you do not mind..my continuing here for a moment.....am reading ,what you wrote . And noticed you wrote that you expect to be challenged daily...? ?...?...? You might consider , and this was something my Father told , and I have read this before in self help books and philosophy books.. About .. "Expectations" tend towards being self fullfilling.
Just sayin, Take the high road in all unfamiliar personal,interactions...if your potentially over reactive brain,
( based on repeated studies) that I had stumbled on about Adpie brains having much more dense celluar networks in the brain ...( not all Aspies have deficits in the same areas of the brain,if there are deficits? But the areas with extra Nerve bundling , can cause great advantages in focus. But if you focus on stressful things daily..You have extra developed neurodevelopmental wiring for threats ? possibly . .....Good Luck with Your New Nest ..

Thanks! I definitely appreciate the advice, and will take it to heart. My brain definitely seeks out something to hyper-focus on, and I try to steer it to productive things. I definitely want to take the high road in personal interactions.

My brain is so strange. I want to make it fit into this world where it is a square peg in a round hole. Maybe an isolated nest is the way to go, who knows Or maybe people can get used to it and I can get used to them. (And I'm capable of continuing to learn social skills.) Who knows, maybe there is hope! It's been a many years-long struggle. But despite many awkward social moments, I've been able to pay the bills at least, so it can't be that bad

On the whole I should be thankful -- it could definitely be worse!

Edit 1: Wanted to say I do really appreciate the advice and conversation, thank you very much, Jakki and ToughDiamond. It has been very helpful.

Edit 2: And really my thought in the original post was to try to be a good neighbor myself, as much as that's possible.