Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

Post Reply New Topic

My Hubby is the same way. HE is charismatic and he is a successful business owner, he is held in high authority by the church. His Asperger's puts him in this position. It his honesty and truth and stick to your word no matter what that keeps him so well liked. He is a most likeable guy. He can be funny, he can be ones most honest and invaluable friend. But what you see in the community and being so likable to others is not the reality of life at home with this man. At home his honesty is brutal, his jokes are cold and aimed to hurt. What some people are in public and what they are at home are so different. The Therapist says often after looking at his face book page, "I can't believe the things he says." She wonders why he can't be the guy he portrays on his face book page. Love his kids, so proud of them, has a wonderful wife, thriving business, and gives all the glory to the Lord. Life is good and all is perfect. But it is soooooo NOT that way. IF he could be what he tries to make others believe he is then he would be perfect. Those things above are him when he is not with us. They are things that others believe about him. I don't think anyone would believe me if I told them anything other then what he has portrayed. At least now I have a few Counselors who do know what he is like. My Therapist suggested my hubby get his own male therapist. But she said "NO, He would get only one side of the story and he is so believable." It took her about 9 months to see that I was not making this stuff up and that he really was doing the things I said.

I am just grateful a the moment he is being nice, and is easy to get along with. I hope it continues. I hope he has turned a corner in our relationship and that soon I can begin to trust him and build a relationship with him. The kind of relationship married people should have.

You know, maybe your husband doesn't have ASD after all. People with ASD are not generally capable or desirous of being so charming and outgoing. Maybe he's a narcissist or a psychopath or just a straight-up jerk.
BTW, my ex's father was a church preacher. Everyone in town thought the sun shone out his arse. The reality was that he was a pompous fraud who cheated on his wife with the church organist (amongst others) and gas-lighted her until she actually went nuts.

He can be on his best behavior for short periods of time. Ex. Long enough for a date. (I had no clue when we were dating) ex. Long enough to set for an hour and fool a Therapist or Doctor. (When pushed the right way he quickly becomes who he really is) ex. he can pull it off long enough to convince a client at work that he is a great guy. As soon as he gets in the truck where he is comfortable he becomes who he really is. The therapist has pushed his buttons so much so that he has gotten angry, slammed the door and bolted out of the therapist office and left in his truck. HE returned later and just sat pissed off in his truck. The Therapist advised me not to leave her office. Not to leave her side. And not to go home until she was able to contact him and make sure it was safe. I left and cruised around town, wandered in the mall, and then went to my parents house. When she called and said it was safe, I went home. When I saw for myself it was safe I went and got my kids from the setter and brought them home. THIS IS THE WORST things ever got. That one, ONE!! !! bad experience and certainly not the norm. But she saw and I saw who he really was. Though I already knew. She got to see. That was a year or so ago.

HE fluctuates very much and he can keep up the Mr. nice guy stuff for short periods of time. I guess we will see how the future goes in the weeks to come. When I think he is being "real" and he has been for an extended period of time, I will begin to trust him again, on a super tiny scale. That trust will grow and we will have a normal relationship. The alternative is that trust will be broken and I will have a huge change of plans. We will no longer stay married. That is my plan at the moment. I know lots of folks don't like the wait and see attitude I have, but I have a very avoidant personality an that is closest to confrontation I can come.

I don't know whether your husband has AS of course, but it seems like you really wonder. If he does, he might fool people I suppose into thinking he is more empathic and kind than he is at home by following social rules. He'd be following what he took to be the rules, though, and I wouldn't think trying intentionally to fool anyone.

Do you feel he is doing what he thinks is right and normal, And just believes you don't deserve better? Or do you think he wants to trick people?

He does not set out to fool people. He doesn't try to trick folks. His comfort level just increases at home and that is where he is the most authentic. His rules only apply to him. He is on my case and everyone's case about lying and half truth's. How wrong it is. And how he has never EVER lied , EVER. (That's a lie by the way) I admit I do not admit to all my wrong doing and if that makes me guilty of lying then I suppose I am indeed guilty then, I try as hard as possible to avoid his verbal wrath. If others are so wrong to lie he commits the same sin for lack of better words. ex. We had a pastor come visit us at our home for lunch. My hubby gave me money above and beyond to make the house look nice. To make it look cozy and inviting, when in all actuality my husband hates to have nick nacks setting around. To him that kind of stuff is clutter. He has told me forever NO we do not have the money to spend on a bunch of stupid Thanksgiving/Fall decorations. But when that pastor came he spared no expense to make things look nice. Scented candles, things to set around, decorative hand towels in the kitchen, pretty runners for the tables. It was perfect, it was what I always wanted. But he would never allow me the funding to make our house a home. And now some stranger is going to come in and you buy all this stuff to make us look lie something we are not. That is living a lie. But he is not guilty. Only others are guilty.

He lies with his facebook. He portrays this happy family and having kids he is so proud of and loves dearly. He brags about the kids accomplishments on facebook. In reality though he is disgusted by one of our children's failed attempts to accomplish the things he would like the see the kid accomplish. He holds that over his head, what a failure he is. Then on facebook he talks about how proud he is of this same kid. He is lying. If I or our kids were to do the same thing we would be verbally blasted for how wrong we are, but it is not wrong for him.

Yet I do not think he does this one purpose. He has absolutely no idea that he is committing the same crime we are committing. Everything applies to everyone but him. I don't know if that is the narcissistic thinking that comes with Asperger's or if that is the thought process of a narcissistic person. I really think he has no idea though. That is what makes this so hard. He has no idea. You can bring it to his attention and he denies it, ad you cannot get him to understand that he is wrong. It is just beyond his ability to understand. That is why the therapist says it is more Asperger's related. Because he cannot be rationalized with. His mind is set and made up and he cannot be convinced otherwise.

Try not to obsess about the details. It's understandable as you are trying to sort things out, but you are his partner, what you want matters, even if it is not important to him just as what he wants matters.


This is very confusing to me. I can certainly understand being angry with ones child and still speaking positively, but it seems like you're describing a lot of concern for how things look to other people? Is he ever proud of and happy with you and the child? AS invoves trouble understanding others viewpoints, not really lying to manipulate and being highly successful at it.

I know it's a figure of speech, but sometimes those give me trouble. I don't see you committing any crime. I also disagree that narcissistic thinking goes with aspergers. Difficulty understanding others or communicating, sure. But you describe a campaign to undermine your sense of self and your strength to live as you would like. And the fact he cannot be reasoned with doesn't make it aspergers nor does his inability to understand. Adults with AS don't fail to understand other people have minds and wishes, though they may not understand what those wishes are. Sure he could have aspergers, but I wonder if he denies things because he's gotten used to being able to intimidate you. You are a human being, you are the one struggling to understand and relate, he seems to be doing a lot of manipulating. And treating his child with disgust is both cruel to the child and also to you as his mom who loves him and wants to protect him. Sometimes narcissistic men gravitate to women on the spectrum.

But you didn't ask my opinion who is on the spectrum. Just about your husband, and I just cannot see AS explaining your husband targeting one and only one of his children to treat with disgust. And if it did explain this, it would still be wrong, and terribly sad, and awful for you and your child to go through. He may be unable to do better, I don't know. Admire him, ask your husband for what matters to you, but don't become trapped by the forcefulness with which he expresses views you disagree with, the power of his belief does not make him right. And you can counter with the force of your belief in yourself and each of your children. He may just go along a little bit. If he doesn't, you will feel better as a person and a mom to have tried. And your son will see you love him.

You know, maybe I can relate a little.

My dad would sometimes "not get jokes" but sometimes there was something deep inside me that thought that he actually did and was just playing dumb. Sometimes he would sulk and act overly emotional and there was something inside me that just thought he was playing the victim. But was he really? Sometimes he would dump his problems on me as a kid, like "She's [my wife] going to leave me." Was he just being a buffoon not realizing the impact he had on me, or was there a decision to unload his problems on to me in order to gain control? Sometimes my mom and dad argued. Why did they argue? It was frightening and unsettling, and sometimes I thought they would break up because of it.

My dad would sometimes act controlling, believing that he was right, and that I should do what he says. I think this is somewhat normal among men, but I don't think it's a healthy pattern of behavior either.

My dad would sometimes show clearly one emotion and deny it in himself. Is this intentional manipulation or is this alexithymia?

I could ask myself, was he intentionally trying to hurt me, save his own hide, or was it subconscious. It's all rather confusing.

My mom was sometimes overly emotional and critical. Was she reacting to my dad's behavior or was she the critical one to begin with and my dad was reacting defiantly to her in self-defense? I can't remember specific details of arguments so there's no way to know.

I'm just talking about myself. Sorry to ramble, but maybe this helps a little.

Anyway, for anyone out there reading this other than the OP, yes children do pick up on things that are going on in their parent's minds, and sometimes they don't realize it right away but they realize it later in life.

For the OP, I'm not sure you should have made the ultimatum, since if he is intentionally trying to control you, he's just going to find more subtle, difficult-to-spot ways to control you. But now, am I being paranoid? You get my gist? It's impossible to know.

As Waterfalls said, narcissistic thinking is NOT a part of Asperger's.



Stubborn does not equal Asperger's, either.

Hi there, I'm just now reading this thread and was so shocked I had to make a comment. It is well meant and I hope you won't mind my directness:

You have already been in this marriage WAY too long, if you are making statements like these. There is some real and serious damage taking place here. To you and the children.
Being an Aspie or autistic is no excuse for abusive behaviour. You've described plenty of it - and it's been going on for years.
I would not stay a minute longer. But I realize that it can be hard to take action, when you've been lead to believe that you have to have his permission to do things. Newsflash: You don't I hope you muster the courage to do what's right for you and the kids.

Some days I think you are right, other days IDK, and other days I think it could be worse. Maybe I AM ungrateful. Maybe he does do a lot for me and provide me with a decent life. It does come with a cost, but is that cost to much. IDK. He never hits me and he doesn't drink or do drugs. The electricity and the heat have never been turned off and we always have food on the table. Some days I think I can do this, other days I think I AM CRAZY for doing this. IT is just so doggone hard to tell what is right anymore.

Yes, the things you say about him have lead me to believe that it's more than Asperger's. He's just a dick. And you need to evaluate why you feel the need to explain or make excuses for his behavior. I don't mean to be offensive but you sound very stuck in a co-dependent relationship, that is highly unhealthy for anyone involved.

My biggest concern at this point is that the kids are seeing that his behavior is acceptable. Kids model the relationships they are brought up with. To them this is a "normal" relationship, and will seek it out when they are adults. Is that what you'd like to see in your children's future?

What do you love and appreciate about him?

He has qualities that are aspie for some or that may be normal for some folks. IDK. He gets up every day and goes to work. He never complains about that. I can stay in the bed and sleep and he doesn't resent me for it. ( I think that is partially an aspie trait, because he is very regimented about working. He owns his own business and he could miss a day due to bad weather but he doesn't. I it definitely a staying in a routine kind of thing. He tries to work when it is below freezing, raining, or unsafely hot outdoors.) I appreciate him for that.

I appreciate that he comes home everyday and I don't have to worry about him running around after work. (his need for routine keeps him at the same time every day)

Our bills are always paid. Even if he has to take on extra work. The car payment, the electricity, the phone, a day where our bills have not been paid was never an issue.

He wants to do what is right. He may not DO what is right, but he sure wants to and he thinks what he does is right. He is very well meaning. (at least towards others)

He is very honest. That can be a problem sometimes. Not everything is so black or white. I am not saying lying is right, but you know if someone makes you an ugly sweater you should say thank you. When they ask do you really like it you should say yes. In his book that is lying. I do appreciate his honesty though.

He wants to stand by family and do what is right. It is just so hard for him to step outside of his aspie box an do what is normal as far as that is concerned.

He wants to have nice things, and a beautiful house. His taste is similar to mine.

He is a very clean person. Him self physically and his surroundings. A lot of men are slobs. Not this one. He is OCD. Which drives me crazy sometimes, but an ADD so if it were not for his OCD ness then this house would be very unorganized.

His organizational skills help us financially. We pay the bills the day they t=come in, even if it is snowing or pouring down rain. The bill will be made out and placed in the mailbox regardless of the weather. Even if he is sick and has the flu or a migraine, it will be put in the mail box that night. I am just more relaxed then that, but it is a great thing that he is so conscious of that kinda stuff.

He cares about his looks, and that helps some to. He is still attractive. That helps to ya know.

Those are some of the things I can think of.

I just don't think it's helpful to obsess about how to categorize him.

When you're with him, and when you're not, can you try to focus on what you love about him, and that you do love him?

Otherwise, why be with him?

I understand you feel secure with him. Don't let him control your movements. You are an autonomous person. Aspergers is no excuse for controlling behavior.

I'm glad you are using WP as a place of refuge.

Waterfalls - I have been in the wrong a lot. I have not been thinking in terms of love. I have been self centered and thinking in terms of I "I gotta get out of this" and that was killing me. I am trying to change that train of thought now. It is obvious I am not going anywhere (to the therapist and myself to I guess). So now I gotta move forward the best I can. Time to start seeing the positives or the negatives are going to make me a very bitter person.

kraftiekortie - Thank you for your kind words and support. I am glad I have found this site to.