Were you a gifted child? How are you seen as adult?

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I'm imagining what it would be like "not to care". So often I want something to stop (e.g. being shunned) and am afraid I will be blamed for it (e.g. that it was my fault I was shunned). So (1) I need to accept the situation is outside my control (is it?) and (2) not accept responsibility for someone else's behavior (is it not?) Harumph.

This also reminds me of theories that ASD folks can be more "primal" --- I definitely feel very fuzzy bunny or very killer tiger depending on the circumstance. Looking at past written observations of me, folks can see this ("Outwardly you appear to be a sweet..., but inside there's a glimpse of something...")

If you want to know, ask! Be fearless. If the situation is beyond your control, embrace ambivalence!

I know Mr. X, Mr. Y, and Mrs. Z. think ill of me, did that affect the digestion of my ravioli? Nope. How about my enjoyment of Season 7 of "Adventure Time" ? Nope. The very idea! I keep the doors locked to keep people like that out!

Now I suggest you adopt a kitten from the animal shelter and find yourself a furry friend that will love you just for who you are!

Grand! I'll lean in, too

Good emoticon use! I like those!

How very intuitive of you. Our senior cat passed away during stay-at-home and within the next month or two I plan to adopt two (adolescent) feline littermates. Our previous shelter cat was considered "unadoptable" (so of course I adopted her) and would barely let us touch her. I'll ensure that at least one of the new cats is affectionate (the other could be the cat's cat).

We're OT now! (evil kitty)

Well it's what I did, my husband left me, and I have no friends, so I got myself a kitten. No regrets. It is nice having someone around that likes my company and looks forward to when I get home and sure is worth the pittance I pay on cat food and litter.



That's what I do, I get involved in threads and take them wildly off-topic until the original subject has nothing to do with what we are talking about.

Well, then another success for you!

My BFF just got a new cat and is fairly sure it contributed to her lowered blood pressure (that and a new workplace).


My 8yo daughter just told her companion guinea pig: "you can't die until we have two more cats". How lovely.

Never had a guinea pig before.
Yes, pets are loving support. A bit more reliable. And less complicated.

Sorry to hijack this thread with that... long story of mine.
My only defense is that I needed to get it written down eventually, after many therapists made me connect the dots over the years. Thanks for reading it.

I actually live in the Netherlands. At time I started, the state handed us a four-year, monthly allowance that would cover your groceries, plus a week/weekend card for public transport - if living away from your parents, you'd get some more money for rent. If you would finish a bachelor's study in ten years, the money was a gift. Otherwise: payback time. After one year art school (1yr money gone) I started a new one, finished in 4 years. That makes 5 in total; in the last, I worked side jobs. Fun fact: the transport card was still free if you signed up for a loan like other years, but set the amount to zero. Glitch in the system.

Difficult point is tuition fee. I think there surely was, and my father always paid it without telling me. That is very generous (and a reason for complaining), but also the reason I now do not know how that was handled. I only got introduced to the thing named insurances by friends, at the age of 27. My dad happened to keep and pay them all for me without me knowing. There's a lot to say for getting free payments from your parents, but errrr.. education on how to manage it yourself is in my opinion way more valuable on the long run. I'll stop here.

I don't know if I would believe that, if they'd break the news to me. They've seen my sister, and our cousins, grow up. Treat them all like adults. But not me. If there would be a sudden change, I'd be very, very cautious. They've tried a lot of ways to lure me back into their save haven, and every time I saw their meaning behind it. I don't trust them anymore.
And for family: I like my aunts and uncles, and some 'godmothers' better than my parents, because they have always been sincere to me, have let me grow, have treated me as an adult. It feels hard, and unjust, but I value that more than a biological bond.


Smart or stupid is a thing of perception. In the long run, doing a stupid looking (boring) thing often comes out as smart, but short-minded people are not able to think that through... thinking seems like chewing food.

I have been known to write a book on these online forums myself. It is difficult for me to cut down my verbosity but I must in order to conform to today's terse, Twitter style of writing.



The above actually annoyed me, not you personally but the fact you get all these social benefits in Netherlands, on top of being brilliant and speaking at least two languages like every other Dutch I've come across online. If I were you I would not tell Americans about all your government's largesse, it will only make them angry. Tell them, instead, you went into debt and are trying to pay off your student loans, they will love you then.

Our country just spends money on overseas wars, and people fend for themselves to go to college (=debt) and also to get medical care (=debt). I was fortunate by the grace of God to have gotten my college at low cost and to not have a major medical issue, but many of my countrymen are not so fortunate.

Mainly my reaction is you have 1st world problems. You seem pretty critical of your nice, generous parents, I am not sure I would bite the hand the fed me. I don't recall what you are in therapy for?



Well, you know, may be they are cloaking their overtures with the ruse that they need to protect you from the cold, cruel world, and they're just looking after you, when actually they look forward to having you around. People get lonely when they get older. Empty-nester syndrome is a real thing. But that is not your problem, it is important after all to be independent and have your own life.

I'll take the advice and never brag about it, haha.
What we do brag about is either: we finished our Bachelors or Masters, having to pay back zero, or only for a few months (a good job right off the bat, generous parents, or a shared living truly helps), or: you run into a smart kid who borrowed the maximum, against 0% interest (yes, you won't believe it), and brags about never going to pay it back because it's the cheapest loan they have open.

Few years ago, the rules changed, the loan is now never a gift anymore.

But, ... there's always a better place, wherever you live. Paradise for us is Switzerland and the Scandinavian countries: more relaxed study rules, higher wages, plenty of time off when you decide to get a child (both dad and mom), or to study on, and beautiful countries to live in, too. So we're not on top of the world, they are.


From your viewpoint, it is.
I think you try to say 'you have it all, why complain?' and that's not strange from your point of view. Answer is: I'm one of thousands of my generation who replies here. Most of the women my age did not have to fight for this. Women whose parents supported them in moving out, in getting a life of their own (as you mention below), in doing what they want in life.
In choosing whether they wanted a partner, and kids, or not. If I hadn't seen the light about 20 years ago, brought to me by concerned boyfriends and 'godmothers', I would have stayed in that town forever, got a sh***y job, not exploiting the gray mass I appear to have.

Most parents, as I see it in friends,, they let go: they trust in it that their kids will return, because parents and kids love each other. My parents forcefully tried to keep me there and decide my life for me.
No matter how well I live now; that is sad, that is abuse, and that is right what I've had therapy for.

Again: if parents let you go, you're willing to return. I see your point.
With proper reflection and insight I will once overcome this. It's only natural. But last time I checked, in March, they had me right in the corner in five minutes, doing and promising things against my will. I'm not in that place yet. And no feeling of guilt, from them or from you, will push me there.


I read your ironical undertone, but yes, that is exactly how it is.

The young people over here, many of them have no sense, they are in debt tens of thousands of dollars by the time they graduate uni, if they even graduate, and the debt gathers interest, and if they don't pay the bill collectors come after them, and I think it can affect their credit rating too. I talk to young people and ask, "Why are you so hell bent on college, if it is going to get you $50,000 - 100,000 debt?" They like the idea of partying (drugs/alcohol) in college, don't want to work a blue collar job, don't want to be a welder, electrician or plumber because they do not like any kind of physical labor, they just want to sit at a desk by a computer and get on Facebook when the boss is not looking. Or play Fortnite etc. College is fun, debt is a distant thought. Americans live hand to mouth, many of them, apparently.



When you say your parents "forcefully" kept you there, I see that as psychological force rather than physical or legal force. I guess that is what you are in therapy for, to break free of your parents' psychological grip over you. I did not have that problem, I was a rebellious hell raiser until I mellowed out at the ripe old age of 18. Then I got along with them fine, they had the problem of persuading me to get the hell out and earn my own way. I did, then they had the problem persuading me to come back and visit and not leave them alone. Typical of parents, they want the best of both worlds, not paying for the adult offspring and having him around all the time too.



I am getting a picture in my head now of your situation, they clinging to you with these psychological tools of guilt and authority and emotional leverage, and you trying to get free and independent through the counter-measures taught to you by therapists.

About your name, if you live in a recreational vehicle (RV) then I suggest getting African violets. They do well indoors and would make excellent RV flowers. I have one with AMAZING blooms all over.

As a Child highly gifted
As an Adult Highly inadequete

Therapists teach independence? Since when!? My therapist taught me one thing and one thing only: helplessness!

Whenever I told her about the emotional abuse my parents were putting me though or how they were too controlling of me, she never taught me any assertiveness techniques, let alone stand up for me. In fact, she did the opposite: she made those cooing "awww" noises at me, which meant she not only didn't take me seriously, she was mocking me. I stopped telling her about any family conflicts, knowing she was on my parents' side, and took up drinking alcohol instead.

I was reading into RvFlower, I think accurately, although that remains to be replied to.

As for you, I totally believe you. Because I have been there myself.

I had about several therapists that I can recall, maybe more, I don't know, I had a rough adolescence is all I can say. Three were outright antagonistic and hostile, another a cold fish that remained silent as the grave, and some I do not recall at all, but all of them like to lie to me. Only one was worth his degree, I probably should have given him a chance but by the time I got around to him, I was doctored out and really exhausted and disillusioned. Pity, but his bridge was burned by his predecessors.

I will say this - higher education means zip, empathy and wisdom is what's important, and very few therapists have any of that. From what I can tell, they learn how to be horrible in university and feel like their degree gives them a license to abuse. The less education, the better the therapist.

Getting back to you - I hope you kicked alcohol - if not, do it, now - time's a-wastin'
I kicked and am with God

Am starting to think gifted. Did not mean anything good for future outcomes of generally persons whom were considered gifted .

I disagree with you that "the less education, the better the therapist". My worst therapist was an intern, although she looked so young---and like a bimbo to boot---she could have easily been 16. (I was 12 at the time.) She administered a battery of tests on me to check for ADD, and deliberately set me up to do badly on them, like by asking me very vague questions where I had no idea what the right answer should be, and talking in a flat, psychopathic tone. Even though I tested negative for ADD, I got "immature emotional development", all because she deliberately intimidated and destabilized me during the tests. When I told my primary therapist (who was in her 40's) about this, she just made cooing noises at me.

I did not kick the alkie. In fact, I've been a lifelong drinker since picking up the habit at the age of 12. In fact, I'm nursing a beer as I'm typing this.