Good forums for aspie adults & partners?

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I don't think this is an accurate assessment of life as an AS partner, the notion that AS affects the NT partner more than it affects the AS partner. It's just that the AS partner will have a more difficult time relating to what you're going through as the NT partner until the AS partner experiences that for himself or herself. The AS partner won't realize how difficult it is to deal with somebody else's AS unless that difficulty hits him/her firsthand. They get a taste of their own medicine, so to speak. At least you have the ability to leave the AS situation if you wanted to, by leaving your partner. Your AS partner does not have that luxury and will continue to live with all the negative aspects of AS, just as he/she has had to put up with all the difficulties before ever meeting you. How do you know that your AS partner did not feel the embarrassment and shame long ago, and as a coping mechanism began to suppress those feelings and as a result had become emotionally cold? Yeah, you could say that your partner does not feel it now, but maybe your partner had already done the time, felt it and then some, long long ago? You're right though, in that the AS partner won't always "get" the damage they've caused, but that's how an AS person learns, by trying things firsthand and making a lot of mistakes along the way. It requires almost infinite forgiveness and patience on the part of the partner of the AS person, regardless of whether that partner is NT or AS.

You have an AS partner, but it's not productive to think that somehow you have it worse than the AS partner. You don't. It's a shared problem. The issue the partnership is going through here should not be seen as "how do I make my partner more NT", it should be more like "how can I help my partner grow as a person." Plus it works both ways; although the AS partner may not realize it, he/she should help you grow as a person as well. Over time, you may find that being NT is not all that it's cracked up to be either, and you may recognize many of the merits of the AS way of life, just as hopefully over time your AS partner will see that the AS life has some significant limitations. That learning process is not something that can be rushed. It takes a lot of time and patience and forgiveness and frustration, and an appreciation of what is fundamentally important in your lives.

That being said, I think that a lot of AS folks on WP have been simmering among other AS folks for too long, as has been mentioned earlier many AS folks will just b!tch to other AS folks about NTs and yet little productive ever comes out of it. Similarly, NTs could potentially have b!tchfests with other NTs about AS folks on a forum dedicated to NT partners, maybe not on WP but there are plenty on other online ASD forums. What we need more of are productive discussions including both NT and AS together. It's almost like what a person would do to promote cross-cultural understanding. I do understand the need to take emotional comfort in like-minded people and I'm not averse to the notion of an NT-partner forum. Not to allow an NT-partner forum could arguably be construed as hypocritical since AS people come here for support from like-minded people, just as you are seeking as such in an NT-partner forum. Unfortunately, the impression I get though is that such forums seem so common compared to what we desperately need: NT and AS conversing together respectfully to promote mutual cross-neurological understanding.

It's the NT only aspect that I think is out definitely out of place here. A forum for anyone with an aspie/autistic partner? Perhaps. I can't say either way whether such a think would be appropriate. But one only for NT partners of aspies/autistics would definitely not be. Talk about us (the majority here) and we can't post? And what if a non-NT has an issue with their aspie partner they want to talk about? There's no reason to exclude them.

ACK! Hold the phone. Did I miss something? I didn't think it was implied that such a topic category would be NT only and off-limits to those with AS. In that case, yes, it would be most certainly out of place here.

I just saw this possible category as being analagous to the one for Parents of Aspies, for instance.
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But you said (bold added by me to emphasize what I'm admittedly nitpicking):


I also inferred that you are looking for responses specifically from other NTs in similar situations, because of what you said (as bolded above). Those AS folks like me who have a good amount of self-awareness and have been in relationships with an AS partner can also offer NT partners support. True that we can't give a perspective quite like another NT in your situation could, but we can at least relate to what you're going through because we know it can also be not so fun to have to deal with another person's AS. Just give us a chance to provide that support.

Granatelli posted earlier in the thread about the idea of "a NT Partner forum", and I'd replied saying such a thing doesn't belong here. So I was referencing back to that when I replied to your post.

I was really hoping for support and encouragement for being an NT wife to an AS partner when I came here, too. I don't care who gives that support or what life circumstances brought the person to the point of being able to offer it (NT/NT, AS/AS, AS/NT, not in a relationship, therapist, sibling, whatever...)

I married my husband when both of us believed he was capable of giving the kind of relationship we had for the long haul but when his interests shifted, we found out that wasn't the case and it has been harder on me trying to change my expectations while working within the framework of what we believe marriage to be and to be for. Sometimes it is easier on me because I don't have to worry about some of the things my friends do in their marriages and sometimes it is harder for me because I have no support or encouragement for addressing the issues that arise in mine. I was hoping to find that somewhere out in cyberspace. I visited a delphi forum last night that is probably the same one others mentioned above. All they talked about was affairs and divorce and the hopelessness of those with AS. That's when I made my blog because I don't have a safe space to work thorough these things. Then I realized that no one would find my blog so I went looking again and found here. Some of the posts here were the AS equivalent, talking about divorce and autonomy and the hopelessness of NTs.

I'm married now. My husband doesn't have addiction or abuse problems. The point I'm in is that this just IS and I'm trying to do my best to navigate the waters I'm in and reached a point that I needed to use a lifeline. I hope I can find people here or through my blog or some other way to meet that need. I'm glad to see that I'm not alone.

I guess I don't understand why there would need to be a separate forum for NT/AS marriages. Isn't that, by its nature, an in-depth adult life discussion? Maybe a sticky thread is more appropriate...

I think that people see what they want to see from WP. True, there are a lot of people who engage in NT bashing, but I would say they do not make up the majority of people here; they are simply more vocal and noticeable. Believing that WP is mostly made up of NT bashers is like believing that the U.S. is mostly made up of the Christian Right. It's easy to believe, but it's simply not true.

I also wanted to note that there are a lot of people who are NT actively engaged in all kinds of discussions here, relationships and marriages included. There are two major threads in the general discussion forum right now. Go take a look.

Not until there is first a forum for AS partners (or ex-partners still recovering from the trauma) of NT's, though! This is an AS support site and to set up a forum for NT's on a topic when one doesn't yet exist for those with AS (and there are already several such forums (fora?) for NT's) makes no sense at all.



Would it include an AS partner talking about the problems of being with an NT partner? The post quoted above states it would be for partners of Aspies - not Aspies themselves.

Though, as I pointed out, the two groups overlap.

I don't personally have need for such a forum, but, seems to me one forum could covers aspies in marriages (with another aspie, or an NT, or even someone who's neither aspie nor NT) as well as NTs (and other non-aspies) in marriages with aspies.

I think such a differentiation is a waste of time. I claim that many (not all) partners of people with AS have noticeable AS traits themselves... probably more than they're willing to admit in some cases. The point is that it doesn't matter how NT you are. It should be about dealing with your partner's traits and gaining further understanding of them, regardless of whether you have any of those traits yourself.

If you have a problem with a relationship involving an AS partner or an NT partner, you can post it here and people who are both NT and AS can give you their perspective. Again, in what way has this forum not been receptive to that idea? To the OP, in what way does this not meet your needs?

Keep in mind, the original poster wasn't suggesting a new forum within Wrong Planet, but asking about other forums elsewhere.

Yes, I was asking about other forums.

And that does NOT mean I like Wrong Planet any less. This is a great place for me, as I am an Aspie after all! It's just...the AS & Partners delphi forum (link in my 1st post on this thread) seemed to be more narrowly focused on, and supportive of, long-term relationship issues with AS. And this is the main AS issue for me, without which I might not even realize I have AS. Some of you might want to join it so you can read the accumulated information there. It is very helpful. It is just that discussion there isn't currently as active as Wrong Planet, and I find the delphi forum format very annoying otherwise I'd be posting there. The little while I could stand to spend there, because of the format, I skipped over anything that looked like it might be a b*tchfest so I don't know much about that, I just went for topics that actually looked useful.

I guess I was also curious if there were many others in the same boat here on WP, and from the response there are at least a few of us!

I know of a place where the Autistic partner can go to discuss relationships but none where the non Autistic partner can visit and genuinely talk about improving relationships or sharing information when they are in relationships that work. Most of those forums seem to be more about complaining about the autistic partner. There is very little about appreciating the qualities they bring to the relationship or about examining the foibles of the Non Autistic partner.

I agree with what stinkypuppy said.

And I would like to hear what NT's have to say about it, because I know that I can always improve with my relationships as well. But it's hard when it sounds like it's all attacks. The delphi forums kind of sent me over the edge.

Delphi is like a jungle. It can be savage if you do not fit the schema of the forum. I think a lot of the owners are people who are powerless in real life, so online they can be quite brutal.