Anger with my Wife

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one of our big problems, which I know hurts her, and I have trouble with is showing affection, when we was dateing I put forth the effort to hold her when sitting on the couch watching tv and such and told her how much I loved her. Now it seems a wasted effort to me, because I feel she should know. While I understand she needs these things, in my mind, I just dont think on them much, because to me she should know, so it is a wasted effort. Its so hard to explain, I want her to be happy, I am just not a touchy feely person, and am unsure what I can do to change this. I love her more than life itself, as well as my children, and at times it is hard to show much affection with them, although with my son, who has Aspie traits I am somewhat able to show more to, I think that is mainly because as a boy, we have more in common. But even with him it is hard for me to stay focused on spending time. I guess the biggest problem is me being able to show emotions and be close to the people close to me, and this hurts her, because she doesnt understand, in fact even though possibly being Aspie explains alot, I dont completely understand it myself.

lol, so true, I most definately need to work on that, I think if I can learn to be nicer, it will help with alot, its just not so easy to change ones nature, as for the what, half the time I couldnt say, mostly I think its a matter of she is depressed because of me, so she doesnt clean, cook, etc, so I get upset with her, and I am depressed with life, and dont show her the emotions she needs, for a million reasons, and the negativity feeds on negativity and we fight. But I am seeing alot now, so hopefully, we can work through these problems to a better relationship. This is my focus now, and the more I read, even about diff things on the board, the more I am learning about my issues, now I just have to get home off of this job and have enough time to get her internet set up, had her go buy a netbook yesterday so she can get on here and read, am hopeing it will open her eyes as well, and hopefully she will have ideas on how to make it better, or at least that she will understand me better, and see that it isnt me being insensitive on purpose, but just how I am.

Reassure that these are things you are working on and you are willing to do whatever you can. Not everyone takes it the same, but my ex took my informal diagnosis as no hope. She would vasilate between anger at me for "faking" the whole thing and/or using it as an "excuse", and hopelessness that I could never change. She probably shouldn'tt expect major changes from you, but even minor lessons in communication (for both of you) can go a long way. So I guess, just reassure her that even though you can't change who you are, things can get better.

> I am just not a touchy feely person, and am unsure what I can do to change this. I love her more than life itself, as well as my children, and at times it is hard to show much affection with them

Okay, maybe I have a useful way of thinking about this. You care about your wife getting what she needs, right? She needs affection. People have different modes that touch them, though. Personally, I don't find "I love you" and other words mean much to me. For me, actions speak louder than words. But if you want to reach her, stay connected to her, ideally you can use her mode to do that. If her mode is words, your statement above about more than life itself would be very meaningful. You just need practice. When you see the results you get, you will use this skill more often. Of course, you genuinely care and are not just trying to manipulate them but rather cross the gap, so even if it feels strange at first, just let yourself practise it. It's a skill with a purpose. It doesn't change who you are. You lose nothing.

ed78 wrote:

> Do you have any particular "method" that you recommend?

There are a bunch. You can try just observing your thoughts, noticing how they pile on you like wild monkeys, but not engaging with them, just letting them go like leaves floating away on a river. That was the first one I used. You can label them "thinking" or "feeling" or "judgments" -- whatever label categories are meaningful to you. I find this useful these days. Someone else said useful/not useful as labels -- use whatever you are trying to sort out in your life and not let it control you. You control it by labelling it instead of engaging. There are lots of others, depending on what you want to develop, e.g. compassion meditation. So much is written about this on the net, and many are practical skills, not a bunch of mystical stuff you have to pay money to some guru for. Yeah, yoga is excellent, too. Just being in the moment and feeling what's going on without building a chain of thoughts on it. Another one is an expansive receptive mind. I use this one with people situations so I slow down and experience what's going on out there instead of sticking with my own preconceptions/obsessions.

My ex and I argued a lot, and vehemitly. We'd argue over who said what, and what was meant, and all that. We'd just go around and around in circles.

[posted by me in another topic]

The only suggestion I can give is to remember arguements are oftern about emotions, not actions or words. People want to feel they are heard and understood. Asking "why are you upset", "how do you feel", "how does [xyz] make you feel", etc. can go a long way.. Simply saying "I understand" can go further. Saying you understand doesn't mean you can or will change something. Often arguements successfully end without a "solution", but with mutual understanding. It's a lesson that's hard to learn.

Avoid critisising her. (i.e. "Why didn't you just say that in the first place?!") Instead use "I/me" statements. If something is critical, follow it up with something soothing. Perhaps "It frustrats me when you aren't direct. I understand now you were asking if I was available." Followed with a discussion on how she could have posed the question better, and on how you can avoid getting upset when she isn't direct.

[end paste - leaving the specific examples, but they were more relevant in other thread]

Learning that the arguements aren't about events or facts, they're about the emotions, was kinda an "ah-hah" moment for me. I learned it after I got divorced, but it helps immensly with my current partner. We occasionally will spar over "you said such-and-such", but it's more for clarification than argueing. It takes awhile, but while argueing, try to step back and look at what you're argueing about makes her/you feel, and try to address that. Remeber the goal of an arguement is not winning... That part is easier. But also remember it's not to "make" her understand something, but for me to understand her, at least in my case.

One thing I will really say consider deeply,
You say
>Now it seems a wasted effort to me, because I feel she should know.

And from my experience if you don't continue on the path you are walking, that is attempting to understand and to make appropriate changes, then you will find yourself without the opportunity at all to show affection.. I say this because daily I struggle that my anger drove my ex away and now I hardly get the opportunity to see my children and I have no opportunity to show affection to the woman I felt such love for.

Mindfulness has definitely helped me overcome this loneliness but I still have moments of intense grief, but I will never again be that person I was and will do my utmost to be more understanding of others as well as understanding of myself.

Have you tried martial arts? Not a complete solution, but it can help use up that excess agro. Otherwise are you getting enough exercise in your week?

I totally went thru this to the nth degree and now we are pretty well near divorce.

You need to find someone you really can trust and describe the interactions and fights and see if you are reacting okay or not or if she is being verbally abusive.

You can't trust your own filters on this cos you may be Aspie and you can be myopic about the situation because you are too close.