What do you wish you had known before you got married?

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Yes, because if there's anything the world needs more of, it's people.

I wish I had known how complicated things can be when you're from two different countries. It has turned out to be hard to make things work out in a way that leaves both parties fully happy. My husband always wanted to live in my country, so I thought it would not be a problem, but after living here for a short while he started having doubts and missing his home country and feeling guilty for not being around more for his own aging parents, so we moved back and forth a few times and whenever I think we can finally settle down in one place and be happy there things get complicated again.

omg that is one of my big issues; i get so upset and frustrated when i can hear my gf eatting or brushing her teeth its got really bad to the point where i want to cry i know its irrational but it freaks me out.

I wish I knew that the most important thing in a marriage were the people and how they related to each other, not the cooking and the cleaning.
Though I'd still rather wash a pile of dishes than listen to husband sharing the details of his day. There are things he says that I can actually do something about, and there are things I that are outside my control. Why do I have to listen to the latter? I just get upset because I can't help. And that's when I have to remind myself again that it is people that are important.

Before marrying incident #1 I desperately needed to know:

There is no deadline

The rule "a little butter is better than plenty of margarine" applies to marriage.

There actually DO exist people who like me and get me

My soulmate is [at the time] only about 13, so wait a bit.

You say that like it's a bad thing!

I wish I had known that I had been right my whole life about not wanting to get married. I wish I had known that that was okay. I wish I had known that there was an expectation of emotional bonding. I wish I had known that sex was not just a novelty for him. I wish I had known that independence (which is possible within marriage) and autonomy (which is not possible, and which is what I actually desired) are not the same thing.

My advice is to learn to love and respect each other, and never stop doing either.

Rather than waste my breath bitching about the shortcomings of my partner and how woeful my poor miserable life was, I would try to be the best human being I can. I would never let the sun go down on my anger. I would communicate from my heart always, and trust my partner to do the same. I would try to live each day with grace and goodness, and focus my energy on giving love, not getting it.

I believe that in the long run, the happiest and most successful adults are those who have invested their lives in giving love away. I believe that love is mostly what you do, not what you say. Show your partner, every single day of your lives together, how much you love and treasure them.

I guess that will do for a start.

I got married to my perfect woman at 40. Two kids so far, born when I was 48 and almost 50. Granted my wife is ten years younger than me.

Not getting married young doesn't mean you have to wait until you are too old.

those are some beautiful sentiments. very poetic, but pragmatic also.

I really don't think knowing I was an Aspie or not has any effect on my marriage. We are now just really exploring the fact that we both are Aspies. When we met we were on the same wavelength. It was like we were both on the same channel. This was something neither of us had ever experienced before.

My advice would be to have a life partner commitment before making it legal. We were living together before we got married. He didn't want to get married at first. I basically made the desicion that I am going to be his life partner with or without the legal stuff. Of course he had the same level of commitment, but he just didn't want to rush into a label.

Also words are just words. Actions are more indicitive of how the person feels. My hubby may not give me my presents on time (months will go by sometimes), but he will go through hell and high water for me.

Oh and communication is very important. We have always worked on communicating our needs and wants to each other, and making an effort to understand the needs and wants of the other. This has never stopped. We are always tweeking are communication, and adjusting what we need to provide for the other. We also help each other to understand our emotions.

+1

Anytime I find myself in a stretch of annoyance with my husband, I have learned that this is the best time to focus on giving him more love. It works every time. He even knows that if he messes up, he's more likely to get homemade cookies out of it, even if I'm less than pleasant about it to start. I know that he loves and respects me more than anything, so when we argue (which is very rare), it's best for me to take a step back and focus on what's so right about us. Ultimately we have no control over the actions/words of others, so when in conflict I've found that the best thing to do is to adjust your own actions/words. If you want more love, then love more. If you want more respect, then give more respect, and so on.

I'm not so good at the "never go to bed angry" thing. That might be because we have small children and often the only time we can talk is late at night. If a discussion turns towards anger (which, again, is rare) I'm just too tired to work it out right then and there. I also like to avoid heated discussions because I don't think it's good to talk out of anger. I prefer to sleep on it and collect my thoughts and motivations before working towards solutions.

First - to Philologos - margarine does not go rancid. It is non-lethal waste, not food.

I wish I had paid more attention to obvious problems in communicating, and not expected things to get better because we were working on "recovery."
A friend of mine just went by 3 rules - Agreement on spiritual matters, ability to work together, and a third that I can't recall, but it worked out for him. I thought he was wasting a lot of time and effort, but he enjoyed the process until death did them part.

....that I really didn't have to.

You are a very rare and wise woman.

Thanks! I hear the rare part often, but it's really nice to be called wise. You just made my day !