LTR as an Aspie female -A challenge or an impossibility?

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I have a question for you regarding the proneness to being clumsy with other people's feelings. How does this play out for you? I've never been told this myself, but I have been told that I can be distant or aloof or too rational. I guess what I'm getting at is who is ultimately responsible for the "feeling"? Is it the Aspie way of relating that causes the hurt feelings on other's part? Or, is it a misinterpretation or difference in relating that causes the hurt feeling? The way I see it is that, there is intentional harm and then there is disconnection which can feel like hurt to someone, but was not meant to hurt at all. Expectations come into play in that regard.

I used to believe that if two people really love each other they can find a way through. I'm not convinced of that anymore. I loved my ex-husband dearly, with all my heart. I tried for years and years to make it work with him. I could say I had a lot of "balls" when it came to trying everything as well. If you ask him he will tell you the same. Although, I would say he's the one who "dropped the ball" in finding a way through. We tried many times and many therapists. In the end, it came sadly down to irreconcilable differences. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes it's not enough to make a relationship work.

People hardly ever describe my personality to me, so I've never been directly accused of emotional clumsiness. But it always takes me longer than it should to work out what a person might be feeling.......e.g. I was talking with a lady who I'm supposedly quite close to, and she mentioned that she was going to perform some of her music on a particular night. I told her that I couldn't come along as another friend was due to visit me that night. It was only after putting down the phone that I realised I was making a mistake. It was to be the lady's first big performance for years, she has self-confidence issues, and I see little evidence that anybody else is giving her much emotional support. The friend who was visiting me had frequently cancelled or postponed visits in the past, often without giving a reason. Luckily I had a leap of intuition, negotiated a postponement of the visit, and texted the first lady to tell her I was coming to her gig, so all ended well, but it was a near thing - a little bit less experience and a bit less "emotional pondering," and I'd have been oblivious to the social snub I was giving her.

I witnessed my father's Aspie ways (never diagnosed but I'm sure he was autistic) and how they upset my mum........e.g. he made some derogatory remark about weddings, and she challenged him, asking him if it was true that "that ring means nothing to you." All he could do was to go into a rant, that "some jerk with his collar back to front" wasn't going to pull the wool over his eyes......but what Mum wanted was for him to tell her that he loved her and that the marriage meant a lot to him. She felt his remarks were invalidating their relationship, but he couldn't see that, and gave no reassurance at all, but continued to rant about the pointlessness of wedding ceremonies. Admittedly if she'd calmly spelled out her exact feelings with crystal clarity, Dad would possibly have taken the point, but she didn't, and neither do most people, they just expect you to know, and if you don't know, they'll assume that you don't care, and mostly they'll become less open to you and they'll look elsewhere for caring people, and they'll probably never tell you exactly what you did wrong. Dad never got past his impairments, and was at loggerheads with Mum till the day she died. I knew he was way too logical and insensitive, and I often wanted to slap him for it, but it wasn't until I found out about AS that I realised what the problem had been, by which time he was dead. Before my own DX, I couldn't put my finger on quite what it was about him that annoyed Mum, but I knew her sorrow was in some way very justified....in a nutshell, he could be hearbreakingly clumsy with people's emotions. I saw it many times.

Want to know a few of my matrimonial gaffes? My second wife asked me if I'd missed her after she'd been away for a few days. "No," I idly replied. I actually expected her to be proud of me for not being all wimpy and dependent. I still can't do the thing where a partner asks me what I think of her clothes and I'm supposed to say "stunning" when I'm thinking "the blouse is too corporate, the shoes are too fussy, and I find the idea of you walking about in public in that short skirt completely abhorrent." Then there's the little matter of my special interests. I've lost count of the number of times a lady has wanted my attention when I've been immersed in other matters and need just a minute or two to make the transition. I can't break my focus long enough to explain that calmly and sensitively, because if I do, it takes me 10 times longer to bring my work to a tidy break point. But I don't think I've ever known anybody who understood this - I've always been treated as if I just didn't want to be with them.


Ain't that the truth! I agree it takes two. And yes, two people can work as hard as they like at their relationship, but still be doomed to failure simply because they have different proirities. I think the problem is often that the people involved can't accept that they might be wrong for each other, so they try to force everything to fit, and of course it won't.

But most of my examples happened without anybody knowing about autism. I think it should be a very different thing if everybody knows what's going on. But if it's found out after the relationship has become close, it might not help much. People get so deeply involved that they're too close to the problems and they can't see the wood for the trees. If you know what the trouble is from the start, you can keep your head and realise that your partner is likely to be clumsy with your emotions sometimes, and that it's not necessarily anything to worry about. It makes a world of difference if you simply look at the person and work out what you can reasonably expect of them, instead of assuming the standard package. You'll get love, but not necessarily through the usual channels.

Thanks for sharing that example. I’m glad you were able to catch that one with your leap of intuition In a situation like the one you’ve given, I generally do okay in that I have strong intuition (If you are familiar with the MBTI/Jung personality theory, I’m an INFJ with almost 50/50 split between the F & T, but still my cognitive functions make me definitely an INFJ and sometimes closer to an INTP especially when I go into academic mode), so having the strong intuitive function is a definite bonus for me. It’s not perfect. I do falter at times (for instance if I’m not at my best and clearest due to sensory overwhelm), but at least I know I can use my intuition and work on building my capacities with it for interpersonal relationships.

Even so, there are times where my own Aspie needs supercede what my intuition would otherwise tell me and then it comes down to a conflict of interest of sorts. An example of this would be someone in my life wanting my attention and I’m in the middle of working on a project. When my attention is taken up 100% in something, I get in a zone, like my own bubble and I can be a million miles away. If the person feels I’m ignoring them, which I am, this can get really tricky and a lot of people get supremely pissed off after a while and don’t understand the my behaviour at all. By the same token, I need the bubble to get my best work done. The majority of the time, I am in a state of high distractability and sensory overload, so taking advantage of my zone is essential. If someone perpetually and intentionally interrupts me when I’m in my zone, I find it an unconsiderate bull-headed violation and get pissed off or really irritable. It’s a no-win situation




That’s harsh and very sad.




Oh my. I have said and done the same thing This is a great example of of (1) taking honesty literally, as well as not being able to lie - kind of like Spock and (2) actually liking my space and honestly not missing someone for short periods of time. This is one that continues to trip me up and will cause problems, especially since men expect women to be more emotionally needy and miss them. If a man comes home from a few days away or a week and asks, “Did you miss me baby?” - what if I truly didn’t miss him? It doesn’t follow that I care for him any less or love him any less, but it sure as heck seems that way to the guy. So, then what if I try to lie? Which, I’ve done - “Oh yeah...well...sure I missed you.” (Worst Liar In The World and it’s OBVIOUS). So you see, I’m screwed no matter what.





Yeah, that one is a stickler for me as well. I have tried many different ways of stating my opinions when it comes to advice on clothes etc. to partners or friends...stuff like voice tone and couching things in a way that doesn’t come off as critical, but it often doesn’t do any good. I think some men are more open and less reactionary sensitive to advice from women then women are from men. But, I have had men ignore what I’ve told them even though it’s my area of expertise (career-wise, I’m a hairstylist/barber and makeover specialist with one of my special interests being fashion). Nonetheless, I have to be incredibly careful with women. Unless they are paying me for my opinion and expect possible critical reviews, I basically try to steer clear of giving my opinion unless I want someone hating my guts for giving my honest opinion.

As for the second part - This is what I was referring to above. I have also never met a mate who understood this. Many give lip service to it (respecting space), but none have actually meant it.





Very well said I agree.

I didn’t know that I have Asperger’s until this year, many months following my last disastrous relationship. So, like you, I never knew or understood fully the reason for many of the problems that I encountered in relationships. Looking back in retrospect, it’s a kind of relief from some of the residual sorrow, knowing that it couldn’t be helped and there was a rational reason for a lot of issues and the pain it caused. Also, the increased self awareness at least gives me solace and something to work with.

Anyone that I would become seriously involved with in the future, I think I would have to tell them that I have AS. I don’t particularly relish the idea, knowing that the majority of people are dismally ignorant about AS or have erroneous faulty and stereotypical notions about what AS is. But, I know from experience that merely stating my peculiarities, will not suffice and the same old issues will continue to surface.

Yes I think early disclosure is very important....same goes for anything unusual that looks likely to affect the relationship in a big way. Should happen naturally if people only knew themselves and didn't succumb to desperation so much. But as you say, often just telling them about the individual traits once doesn't sink in. Hopefully declaring the actual condition would carry more weight than a list of quirks.......I guess the key is in getting it across that the traits are part of a brain wiring difference that will often make it impossible to grow out of them or behave "better" - I guess Aspies can be very hard to influence if you don't know how they tick.

I haven't formed a new relationship for a long time, but if I were looking, I think I'd be looking for somebody who was truly interested in me as a human being, and such a person would want to really process what I told them about myself, and to help me through it. I guess another Aspie might be better equipped to deal with me, as we'd already understand a lot about each other from the inside in a way NTs never really can, though of course that in itself doesn't guarantee harmony.

After looking in a lot of wrong places, I lucked out. Our activityies and needs are nicely complementary though often highly untraditional, we have similar though not identical and mostly complementary interaction and space needs, we get [at least 80% which is better than most relationships I have ever seen or heard tell on] one another.

It happens. Hold out for it.

Thanks for the positive outlook Philologos The future, relationship-wise can look bleak sometimes.