Deciding to cut family off/out of my life.

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for what it's worth, I'm an adoptee, and I have found the biologicals..... so I should have tons of family. But I have none... I've alienated them all.... for one reason or another

My family was very dysfunctional as a child. My siblings and I have all moved to different locations within the US. None of us are really in communication with each other or our parents anymore. But, my situation is different. You are talking about cutting off your relationship with them. My family never had any connection or relationship to start, so there was never anything to break off. So, it is probably much easier for me to say so what, break it off.

I'd try to fix it first, if it's fixable. I'd love to have a bond with a family.

It sounds like your situation is rather toxic and that your family is not treating you very well. I also think that you are being wise for taking yourself out of the situation entirely. It also sounds like they have completely lost your trust because they are being insensitive to you and your feelings by not respecting you as an individual.

I would write them a nice professional letter similar to this

Dear mom/siblings/etc.
I really have enjoyed going to the family gatherings and I love you very much. However, I am also sorry but I don't think it would be wise us to contact each other for a while. I really feel that we bring the worst out in each other and that I am not respected as an individual.......

That's actually the form that my letter in 2000 took. It was worded that "this is what I feel" and "this is how things seem to me"......my family got fracking RABID in their responses to me. "how DARE you say such things!! !" and the like. No, I won't be writting any more letters.

Yes, it is an EXTREMELY toxic environment for me. Which is funny, because all the "older" kids get along so well! (I've just aliented myself/my actions & behaviors have been so ALIEN to them; that they all feel justified in cutting me out of their day-to-day lives.) This whole thread has been my exploration of me making the final "cut" by avoiding the family holiday get together and all future "spontaneous" get toghethers.

Another thing (there is a thread over in the Womans discussion forum about EXCLUSION), my family is CONSTANTLY excluding me from events.

Things that they put together without my Mom, they don't feel "obligated" (?) to invite me to.

Granted, some of the things I would politly decline (either for $ reasons or it's something I'm not interested in) but the fact is that not being invited hurts.

My one brother drives right by my front door EVERY time he comes to town (he lives 3 hours by car away) & although I don't live in the same town as Mom (or the majority of my siblings) he still has to drive right by, which is exactly what he does (drives by & keeps going).

One sister has a new "friend" that lives not 2 miles from me (as the crow flies) & she visits her often; but never seems to have time to stop by to see me.

Frankly, I just get the feeling that none of my siblings WANT me around & that they only "put up with me" at Moms because they "have to".

So that final cut I mentioned above is me distancing myself from that "have to".

I am also struggling with some of these issues. Confusing and maddening; I wonder about my own reactions to other people's reactions. I was taught - growing up in an old-fashioned patriarchal family - that WHAT I THOUGHT counted for nothing. So, now I am learning and trying to maintain belief in that I can decide what I want for my self and go do it.
Focus on my little world and let the family of origin connections go. Maybe a little note now and then is sufficient. Your idea of having a little place all your own - a happy place - is a really good plan. Perhaps some physical distance away from the situation.

mntn13 you said "that what I thought counted for nothing" THAT'S EXACTLY how I feel (& why I picked my name here). It's actually kind of funny....because those wonderful siblings of mine use my ACTIONS against me, yet there is that bit that what I think counts for nothing (not very logical, my NT sibs are, are they?)

I don't like the situation and honestly still feel like it's somehow my fault too often, but I've promised myself to work toward some mental strength and freedom - don't know how else to describe it, sorry.
I hope for much more peaceful days ahead. I mean for all who feel this.

I hate to say this, but I have been there...... if mom is the only reason they put up with you at all.... just you wait until mom is no longer around.... and see how much you're not included (possibly even in a will, as 'interpreted' by the executor) maybe cutting them out now, will lessen the hurt if/when that time comes.... then there will be no painful surprises on top of painful surprises, when mom passes away. I really wouldn't bring this up at all... and please don't hate me for being insensitive, but I am at an age where these situations have already arisen, and I have seen it both in my 'family' and my husband's family... sibling attitudes get so magnified once the person who was the 'glue' holding the family together is gone

fleurdelily, So you're saying it would be good for someone to build up a bit of confidence &/or make decisions ahead of time. I don't see that as insensitive, more of a careful warning of (possible) things to come. These are the mysterious "people-things" that I for one never can see coming. Then a sort of fear/defense response kicks in when someone says something that freaks me out. MsMarginalized, this thread helped me out too.

Thank you, fleurdelily for your comments. It's funny that you mention the will & all....as biotch oldest sister (the lawyer) is Moms executor. She wouldn't dare cut anyone out.... (because of the way Mom has worded the will) being an "officer of the court" puts her into a more precarous position (all anyone would have to do is point out to the judge that the will wasn't being followed & she'd be in big time trouble) so that's not really any kind of a threat (besides the fact that there really ISN'T much of anything to be passed on).

My bigger thought is that "after time"....once Mom is gone I truly expect to be left out of all family things....which is why I'm thinking the way I am (cut before they cut me).

I'm glad this is helping other people...I also miss a lot because something isn't/doesn't happen the way I would've expected it (& haveing "different expectations" going along with my Aspergers).

I cut off my late father and his side of the family close to ten years ago. It might sound horrible, but the only regret I have is not doing it sooner. The family dynamics, coupled with addiction problems and mental health problems, made it a situation where I didn't feel it could be salvaged. My mother's side of the family, on the other hand, is dysfunctional, but they mean well, and putting a little work into maintaining ties with some of them is very much worth it to me, so I can have at least a few family connections in my life. I guess what I am trying to say is that I agree with Cash and think you should try to salvage whatever you can. But, use your judgement as to whether or not that's possible and don't keep relationships in your life that harm your health and wellbeing.

I have cut off all connections with my family except my mom who lives far away. I only talk to her maybe once a month. That is it, only her. My grandma raised me and I don't talk to her or anyone on her side of the family. No one has ever wanted anything to do with me, they all think I am weird. Not even as a kid did they talk to me. My in laws think I am weird too especially since I don't leave my son at home, and go to the bar, get drunk and high. So yea I am really weird to them. There is a select few people in his family that like me and talk to me. I pretty much only have my husband and son. No friends or other family. Which I am fine with, it scares me sometimes but I got what I need.

Some people don't have families and would really love to belong to one even if there is rivalry and then there's some people who have a family who wish to bail out of it. It's a mad world, but ultimately for the amount of time wasted pondering on what to do you could have done a million worth while things.

When I was a kid I dreamed of having a family who loved me, and who'd tuck me up in bed and read me a story and all the usual stuff, but lifes not like that and by the time I'd finnished dreaming I was too bloody old and ugly for anyone to take notice so now I've toughened up, got real and forgot about all that.

I know families must really suck sometimes but I think if you're lucky enough to have one you might as well take advantage of the good points of it.

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough from the start...there are NO "good points" in my family. Not a single one of my sibs will take a stand for me against the biotch oldest sister. EVEN AFTER this last little bit last summer; my Mom finally acknowledged to me that oldest sister was wrong...but Mom refused to say anything to anyone else=for fear of "rocking the boat" and the one sister that was made a 'go-between' by biotch sister told me that she was proud of how adult I was behaving (wtf? I'm almost 45!) but she wouldn't whisper the word boo to oldest sister.

babybird wrote: I know families must really suck sometimes but I think if you're lucky enough to have one you might as well take advantage of the good points of it.
- that is one way of looking at it; but could be dangerous to one's self esteem or mental health with some families. just saying. I've found poisoned words hidden within supposed "conversations" that I only realize later were directed at me personally and these things must not be allowed to get to us.
It has taken decades to learn how to even watch out for them, but now I do and can mostly avoid situations where I'll get slammed - especially hurtful with other people listening and shrugging it off as no big deal.

babybird - I hope you have some good people who care - and/or are good to your self. I wish you wouldn't call yourself old and ugly 'cuz then I start thinking that I should label myself that. I think without a shadow of doubt that it's what is inside that matters.