Coming to terms with being ugly

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I used to be really ugly, but then I grew a beard! I'm still ugly, but the beard masks 50% of my ugliness for the low cost of getting it in my food while I eat sometimes.

Ugly, this

Ugly that...

My wife spent her teen years "BEING UGLY" she wasn't ugly and has never been, her appearance didn't change but her perceptions did.

How ever you think you look there is not just "someone" who finds you attractive, but PEOPLE that will find you attractive and want to love you. Look at the people you are programmed to find unattractive that have someone, if you find this person so unattractive how can someone else be with them and love them? Strange huh?

A very beautiful friend of my wife has a taste in men I can only describe as 90% intellectual. She was cursed with beauty and intelligence, high powered job, quick mind and a lot of men that could never fulfil anything other than physical needs. All I will say is people are very suprised to meet her actual partner and father of her child once she had figured out what she needed as actual nourishment in a relationship rather than a snack.

Personally, I see facial patterns very easily (hard to explain) but I see face types and a lot of what I can only explain as genetic repetition. So I tend to look for faces that do not trigger these patterns, these tend to fall outside the norm of beauty (in laymans terms, I like big noses, crooked noses, wonky smiles, odd teeth and a lack of facial conformity. Facial symmetry is off putting for me for some reason. (Thank god for the human columbian exchange)

Most people other than total narcissists have moments when they feel ugly even on a day to day basis. (maybe even hour to hour)

So if most "good looking" people feel ugly sometimes, how about so called "ugly" people feeling beautiful sometimes instead?

What I am saying next is meant for perspective and in no way meant to be crude or insulting

As disgusting as it sounds, it is just to give you some perspective MALE or FEMALE.

how ever tall, short, fat, thin, bald, hairy or awkward you may think you are........

There are quite literally people in the world that would be willing to PAY YOU to spend time and be intimate with you and no not all are freaks and perverts, some are just lonely people that feel ugly and don't know how to find intimacy otherwise (i know one of these people). (Sorry, this is meant to sound like something positive, I promise! but I can't offer you my context to get it, so if you are offended feel free to rant but I will be ignoring it) And this is also in NOT CAREER ADVICE!

There are also people out there who would be too intimidated by YOU to approach you and speak to you because they are afraid of YOUR rejection. Yes you may even have that person in your life already but be so focused on your own lack of worth that you will miss it, have missed it are going to miss it.

Take a look at your own prejudices, what are your acceptable levels of good looking. Have your turned down someone before because they didn't fulfil one of your check boxes?

Maybe if you stop "being ugly" you might also stop chasing after people or situations that make you feel or help you confirm your own lack of worth.

Everyone has values when seeking companionship, I tend to see them as 4 columns and you can tell a lot about someones own self worth about what they value.

Looks, personality, character, world view.

Some people need all the boxes checked, some just need one. You probably know someone who has each of these as a desired trait in a partner and which of those people is most content.

Think about which of these are important to you and next time you see someone you find ugly with someone to love remember the chance is high if you ask the person they are with they will find them beautiful and not be lying.

Familiarity also changes attractiveness. You must have known someone in your life that you initially found ugly and over time wondered why you thought that in the beginning, because now that you think about it they are not that ugly at all. That is what knowing someone is about, when you see who they are super imposed over how they look.

So do try things to help you feel better about your appearance. A change of style is less about the clothes and more about the change, give yourself permission to feel good and act good looking. The change can feel like a disguise to allow you to act with a confidence you didn't have before, as can a new hairstyle or facial hair even a hat or even a new coat might be enough. So all the tips in this thread are valid and good, I just never like instruction without context.

As for your broken nose story, when I broke mine for the second time falling face first onto a bench at school around age 13, a teacher said.. "hmm it feels broken but it's difficult to tell looking at it, you know with your nose.." so trust me, I am punching severely above my weight in this relationship. ;P

Weight as well, things are not always what they seem. My uncle weighs about 190 kilos (about 400 pounds I think for those on the other side of the pond) he carries a breathing apparatus and smoked 60 a day for most of his life. He has been married twice and has a child with his latest wife.

Yes these are one story in billions of people, but they do exist and I guarantee there are more than you know.

I like wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses. It helps.

If an autistic is too attractive, their appearance could deceive others into thinking they would be a good partner. Possibly a really good thing for many people, but I usually stay away from forming relationships so as not to hurt people, since I'm too concerned about their well-being to connect their life with my disaster of a life.

Beauty is a social construct which has developed over time through various iterations. It is drivin in modern times by consumerism & advertising & targets women in much higher proportion than males. However the buff & fully shaved male is becoming the social norm for males to aspire toward also. I cant begin to tell you where I live how many young men & teenagers walk the local streets & shopping malls with shirts off displaying shaved chest & abs. And how the personal training & fitness industry have exploded with young body conscious folks.

I am going to say some stuff here that some folks may think is offensive but It is just my opinion based on what I see as the evidence looking around at everything in the media & the social results out the other end.

the current model for what is deemed "beautiful" in both women & males is the direct result of the level influence & power that gay males have in the fashion & entertainment industry. The result is that women have taken on a near androgynous boyish look (very thin with breast) & males have been transformed into shaved adnosis looking effigies, which all keys into gay mens sexual desires. I have no issues with gay people at all but for women & men to denigrate & torture themselves trying to aspire toward a false image concocted by gay males is disturbing to witness.

But this is off course my opinion, some have agreed others dont.. Some of it comes my own direct experience working as a male model in the 90s.

As for my own experience on looks. I am a multiracial person (black/white) in a country that is 98% white - As a young man I was often teased called ugly, called an ape, a n****r & piece of s**t etc etc. Kids teased my skin, my nose , my lips & my curly hair daily. I never had a girlfriend all through school, and any girls who showed interest quickly succumb to peer pressure from friends about liking the black kid. When I turned 19 I finished up at over 6'5" tall and developed a chest & girls suddenly found me attractive, into my 20's I became considered very "good looking" a combination of mixed parentage & years sport (athletic muscular build) and was approached regularly to be a male model. I was signed by an agency that previously wouldnt sign black models due to my European ancestry giving me a more desirable look. However due to my apsergers & my limited range of facial expressions I only received work when they wanted a strong "disinterested look". But became a label model for several high profile male fashion houses.

Been good looking with aspergers brings its own unique challenges, the biggest been a large range of potential suitors but no ability to keep a good relationship. I had no problem getting girlfreinds but just couldn't maintain a relationship past 2 years, sooner or later my inability to cultivate a deeper emotional understanding with the person or my immaturity in that area would drive the person away. I was also prone to sexually obsessive behavior & would often have several girl friends at a time, not that i lied about this but I could be very cold in telling girls that they would never be the "one' and had to accept the role of one of many. Of course I never considered I was being a total a**hole - just being honest & upfront.

I guess what I am saying in short is that all levels of physical attractiveness are subjective & at a base level humans individually are attracted to what they are attracted too. There is some level of social conditioning that affects this but ultimately there will always be someone who finds you beautiful, be kind to yourself and try not to let images being feed to you stop you from finding & cultivating your own beauty. Ultimately the RIGHT person will see this beauty...

Hope I didn't rant to much - J

I think I look uglier than I am because I am too skinny. I am working on gaining weight, but it doesn't seem to be happening very fast no matter how much I eat or how hard I hit the gym. I think if I work hard I can make up for it by showing off more of my positive attributes so people notice less that I am ugly.

I don't know if I'm ugly, when I look at a picture of myself I can't tell. My own face seems to have no aesthetic effect on me. But I do look at my reflection and photos of myself quite a bit. Out of curiosity I assume.

I've had compliments, and the odd slightly negative remarks. Still doesn't help me know.

One of the things that is apparently a common trait for us Auties is to have a different take on who is and isn't beautiful. In my case that seems to hold true, I'm attracted by eyes that radiate life, long hair, and curves that are at a mininum, abundant. Of course, that's just eye candy and I'm primarily a sapiosexual creature so bring me a woman with a hot mind (please).

I have been told on several occasions that I have a face made for radio...

What constitutes "ugly"?

Actors Philip S. Hoffman and John Candy were not model material, but I thought they were both great actors, I loved watching them, and I never thought they were ugly.
Another example is actor Steve Buscemi.
Actress Maggie Smith, in her role as Granny Wendy in the movie Hook. She was absolutely beautiful, imo.

I prefer great character and personality over "perfect" looks any day.

Of course, that's my opinion now, now that I'm in my mid fifties and gravity, fat, and wrinkles are what I see in the mirror every day.
I used to be able to get by on my good looks, but those days are long gone...

I think the problem is less "ugliness" and more "average range is ignored or treated as 'ugly'".

I don't think I'm ugly but I have very little recognition of my own face and it's got less recognisable the older I get. I am always surprised at my own face. I do know that for me, physical beauty has never been that important in a person. I like beauty but I love the thing that a person is far more. Intelligence and
The biological imperative can be a b***h but it's not everything. My boyfriend once (stupidly!) told me 'I never fell in love with you for your looks...' and although I never let him forget it, it's true. I never fell in love with him for his looks either. There is an age difference between us that is significant - I'm older - 46 and he's 28.

Looks fade. The mere sight of a person sometimes, whether or not they are beautiful can drive you into a rage or leave you entirely unmoved. Looking at a person you care for and who understands you is one of the best and most reassuring things there is.