The Funny Jokes Thread

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One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."


You Must Be A Redneck If
* You recycle your own toilet paper

* Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

* You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

* You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

* Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

* The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

* Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

* You hunt from your bedroom window.

* Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

* You refrigerate your food stamps.

* You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

* You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

* Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

* You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

* You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

* You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

* You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

* The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

* You take a beer to a job interview.

* You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

* When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

* You go to Goodwill to meet women.

* You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

Two goldfish are in their tank.

One goldfish turns to the other and says, "you man the guns, and I'll drive".

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for my brother. Have you seen him?"
The bartender responds, "What's he look like?"

Did ya hear the one about the Buddhist monk who went to a hotdog stand? He said, "Make me one with everything."

Do you know why Buddhists don't vaccum in the corners? Because they have no attachments!

Did you hear the one about the skeleton who wouldn't cross the road? He didn't have the guts.

Did you hear about the dyslexic lawyer? He studied all year for the bra exam.


An old man bought his old wife a see-through nightie for Christmas. As it was very expensive and not really to the wife's liking, she returned it to the store for a refund--without her husband's knowledge, of course. The next night, (because she no longer had a nightie) she came to bed naked.

Upon seeing her, her husband said, "The least you could do is iron it!"


How many Internet Explorer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? They can't. The lightbulb is embedded into the socket and cannot be removed.

Two snowmen were talking and one said to the other, "Yeah, that's really weird...I smell carrots, too!"

Corny one-liners are the best!!

A young man standing on top of the Empire state Building was approached by two hippies
"Hey man can you do a flip"
"whats a flip"
"well man you dive off and just before you hit the ground you flip up your hands and you fly back up ,look I'll show you"
the hippie dives off and sure enough as he's about to hit the ground he flips up his hands and flies back up.
The young man has a go but as he flips his hands up he splats on the floor.
One hippie turns to the other and says,
"you know what,for an arc angel Gabriel you can be a right Bastard".

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders
a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,
meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are
confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker
still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says....................





"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk."

And now for some really bad jokes.
An old lady called her house butt and dog crack.
One day she could not find her dog, and called 911.
"I looked all over my buut and can't find my crack ." she said.
I said it was bad.

I didn't get this when I was seven, but the adults seemed to . . .

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

I'll tell you tomorrow.

Stevie Wonder is in Japan. He asks the audience for requests, a guy shouts "do a jazz chord", Stevie obliges, the guy shouts "noooooooo, do a jazz chord", Stevie does another, again the guy shouts "nooooooo, a jazz chord", at this Stevie gets pissed and invites the guy on stage and asks him to do better. The guy grabs the mic and sings "I jasss corrrrrrrrrrrrrred to say I ruvvvvvvvvv youuuuuuuuuuuuuu".

Guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders 3 shots of Scotch in 3 separate shot glasses. The bartender obliges and watches as he drinks each shot. The guy pays his bill and walks out.

The guy comes back the next day and does the same thing. In fact, he comes in every day for the next several weeks before the bartender's curiosity finally got the better of him.

He asked the guy, "Why do you drink your Scotch like that?"

"Well," the guy replies, "I have 2 brothers who live overseas. I order the 3 shots this way because then it's like I'm having a drink with them."

The bartender smiled and says, "Well that's a really nice idea!"

Several more weeks go by as the guy keeps to his routine.

Until one day when he orders 2 shots of Scotch in 2 separate shot glasses.

Shocked, the bartender asks, "Oh, no! Did something happen to one of your brothers?!"

"No," he says. "I just decided to quit drinking."

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.

He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,
''Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?''

The farmer replies, ''I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize''.

''How?'' asks the man, puzzled.


''Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize... to people who are out standing in their field.''

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A naked man was walking down the street with a woman on his back.

A bloke on the other side of the road asked, "Where are you going?"

The naked man replied, "To a fancy dress party."

"What as?" asked the bemused gentleman.

"A tortoise", said the naked man.

"Well, who is the woman on your back?" said the intrigued gentleman.

"Oh, that's Michelle."

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.

The bar tender comments - "that looks uncomfortable"

"yeah" the man replies, "it's driving me nuts"..