The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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abbr,

He may or may not be AS, but he is an ASS.

Why would you want to stay with an abuser? You have family in another part of the country who would support you (emotionally, if not financially)? Life's way too short to waste it on a jerk. Move, divorce, heal and let your experience bring you the good partner you deserve. Your children deserve better than this, too. They are being damaged permanently.

Good grief!

Dear Lord abbr, I can't imagine going through such abuse. It's good that you're both in counseling, but any good counselor will hold up their hand if one person is monopolizing the session, and politely say 'I want to hear what she has to say.' Your hubs sounds like he may be fighting his own battle with depression. Certainly there is never a reason for a man to strike a woman (barring assault with a weapon). It's awful that he grabbed you when you were pregnant ! !! My heart truly goes out to you...

Dear abbr,
Could be AS, definitely OCD, definitely Personality Disorder. He is dangerous and you need to take the children out of there. I'm sure there was something you loved about him at one time, but danger to the children trumps everything. I am against divorce in almost all situations but this. When my oldest son's wife became not just verbally abusive, but physicaly to him, and then a drug addict therefore endangering their boys with paraphenalia laying about and her behaviour (leaving them with strangers and other dangerous situations) I paid for the divorce and the lawyer with expertise in the man getting custody. It's been a hard process, but the boys after years of therapy and remarriage are getting almost easy to live with. I still pray for her salvation every day, but I am so glad that the first wife is almost out of their lives. I feel so for her parents. I grieved over the treatment of my son. They get to grieve over the crimes of their daughter.
Run, girl, run!

I have a husband with AS and two teen sons with AS. I tell all three of them the same thing," You have Asperger's Syndrome, not ASS Syndrome. The rule in our house is just because you are AS it does not give you the right to injure or violate another person, emotionally or physically. They have all learned what their boundaries are and how to deal with overload in a peaceful manner. I also had to learn what my boundaries are because I would have let them all walk all over me if I hadn't. I left my husband for 6 months to prove to him that I will not allow him to treat anybody in our family with disrespect and luckily, he saw my point or he wouldn't be here now. Even if you seek counselling, my suggestion would be to live separately while you are working it out.
Best of luck to you and your children!

abbr - Besides AS and OCD there is also OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) - and from what I understand they prefer to R-U-L-E their entire domain. I have OCD and while I certainly have lots of issues one of the things the psychiatrist asked my husband one time was if I insisted on controlling everything. I don't and am quite happy to let them have their own messes. Like I am really picky about the kitchen and dishwasher because I have to clean it so I want things a certain way there but I do NOT randomly align the kids toys or my husband's shed. Then again I have lots of AS issues too. Another thing too is most people with OCD will recognize that their behavior is excessive where someone with OCPD will not. They are very insistant they are RIGHT and often have can see little reason to change.

http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson6.php
http://www.thehealthcenter.info/adult-ocd/ocpd.htm

Wow, after seeing your last post abbr, I'd be freakin a history lesson to that guy. I know, I know very easy to say, not so easy to do.

Serious,
How are things going for you?

Kind of sucking in limbo, Blessed.

Sending good thoughts Serious.

Sorry to hear that, Serious, hope things turn around for you ...

Thanks everyone. I'm fine. In a way, I'm happier. But I have no idea what that means and why I should be. I just feel like I can be more myself without someone constantly judging and trying to control me.

Serious,
I know what you mean. When my ex walked out on me and my three sons I was 26 years old, unemployed, had had 3 bowel surgeries in one year and my boys were 4, 2 and 1 years old. I should have been a mess. The day he left I phoned my Mom and best friend and said "He's finally gone!" I was incredibly happy! I went out that day and bought myself a silver ring with a dolphin for freedom. I have never looked back and can honestly say that nothing in my life has been as stressful as living with him. It took some help from my parents and a little counselling but it was soooo worth it.
As you said, you can be you without all of the judgement. We shouldn't be judged by the people we love, that is what the rest of the world is for. My dh now is my haven from the world. How are the kids?

All can be explained by Newton's law:

Lex I: Corpus omne perseverare in statu suo quiescendi vel movendi uniformiter in directum, nisi quatenus a viribus impressis cogitur statum illum mutare.

An object at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force. An object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an external and unbalanced force.