Very Frustrated with So-Called Friendships

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I don't have friends. I used treat what friends I had as disposables. In other words, I was the one who pushed them away rather than them doing it to me. Of course it was the other way around at times but in general I have been part of that issue. I don't have friends now; too hard. I let people get away with treating me badly quite a bit but once I get upset about it they generally get a rocket and are terribly shocked afterwards. I don't suffer from intimidation and bullying these days; at 6ft 6inch, 108kg and a rather thick-skinned insensitive personality, there aren't many people who can intimidate me. Luckily, I am not a violent person (quite the opposite); if I was I could have hurt someone badly and be in big trouble.

As a kid I was tall but very thin and was bullied mercilessly.As a result, I have an aversion to bullying and intimidation and if I see someone being bullied I generally react badly to it.

Its interesting to read your posts because you both appear to want friends even though they are so problematic. In contrast, I find them a huge distraction in my life. I suppose what it is in my case is that I have a job that requires a fair bit of human interaction and some public speaking (which I dread each and every time). I also have kids and an extroverted wife who always makes social arrangements. Therefore, I have my hands full being nice to my wife's friends and to my own family. Actually, I adore my wife and kids so will do a lot for them. So, there it is, I fake it with my wife's friends and when they don't want me around (which is a fair bit) I am very very happy to go hide in my man cave and read a book, play an online game (Runescape is my particular addiction) or just sit on the porch and contemplate the awesomeness of the universe.

Hey, there's a thought for you; treat the business of going into the garden as a campaign. The porch is your first objective and if you don't have a porch, think of some other transit point that you can challenge yourself to visit often. Make the porch a happy place for yourself. From there you can safely view this garden you speak of. In viewing the garden you can collect thoughts and informaton on the garden and slowly interact with it. Do this in your own time (days, weeks, years, who cares, just advance all the time). Before you know it, that garden will be yours again.

I hear loud and clear what you say re fickle friends going silent.

Funnilly enough face to face encounters hardly bother me but when its been online (say a few years) it seems deeper.

I too really get annoyed when I hear "Oh were all like that" type unthinking response.

good luck !