No, you're right. I don't talk to him very often anymore, and...it just does not seem possible to have a good conversation. Part of my head can't quite wrap around that, because we spent ages having great conversations. Or at least it seemed that way to me. These days, though, and for quite a long time -- a year, just about -- I don't find a good conversation to have. Depressing topics are off-limits, okay, particularly his political obsessions. His work is off-limits because he hasn't found a steady job (though he's got a long-term contract one, which apparently he detests). His life, more or less off-limits, too depressing. So that leaves me talking, and it can't be worrying about things, because that upsets him, and it can't be me talking about all the great things going on in my life, because that's a reminder of how his life isn't great. Or, rather, I can talk about those things (it's a monologue, he doesn't often ask questions, comment, etc.) till he abruptly rings the curtain down, because he's happy for me but that's enough now.
He doesn't seem terrified and paranoid anymore -- I don't know what was going on in those other houses where he was living -- but I don't understand the permanent anger and negativity. He's got good stuff to work with but doesn't seem to recognize it. He's also superbright, but so quick to say, "I don't know how to do that," and when he does get enthusiasm for a plan, it seems to evaporate fast.
I'd been wondering, actually, why my mood is so much better lately, and honestly I think I really had my head screwed up talking to him last year while going through some seriously bad things and fielding his reactions. Both my parents formally checked out of my/my daughter's life, not that they'd ever been much involved, but, you know, dude; my ex-husband managed to lose his disability pay and came up with a scheme that will almost certainly end in my having to go to court to collect back child support, and having to wrestle him for the money every several months while covering its absence in the meantime; I was peeing blood and had a cancer scare; I got totally backstabbed at work in a really ugly way; I was so massively overworked it nearly put me in the hospital; and we had a f*****g endless winter where you couldn't see colors outside for months and it was unbelievably cold. Oh, and my boyfriend went on a fault-finding mission and eventually broke things off (without argument from me, by that time), then insisted he wanted to be friends while being, well, as described, and also while seeming earnest about wanting to be friends. And throughout the usual single-mom viscissitudes, wondering how to get the kid home from school in winter when there's no bus, dealing with a dozen snow/cold school-closure days when I had to work, OF COURSE I WAS DEPRESSED. Jesus.
On the other hand, I also worked myself into a much more stable position and enough money with or without the ex, it's not winter (on the contrary: raspberries), I've had rest, I've had exercise, I've figured out how to keep getting those, I've had a chance to stop and breathe and see how far I've come, I've cleaned out my house and got a nifty new car, I've realized I can send the kid to college...and I'm not on skype getting rejection/anger/dissatisfaction beamed at me all the time.
And...it just leaves me baffled. Yeah, I know he had a crap childhood. I had a crap childhood too. But there he is, a handsome guy, seriously learned in a subject area, pretty learned in another, very bright, capable of being charming, with family that's been, withal, supportive to the point of not letting him starve or go homeless, haver of many terrific opportunities, had more than his share of accomplished and lovely women, and yet all this bitterness, volcanic anger, terror, unhappiness. Not saying that it's wrong or unjustified, just that I don't understand it. But I also don't understand where my own buoyancy comes from.
It's fear, isn't it. It's about fear. Fear constricts everything. And he's talked about that, I just didn't put it together.
Well. I should finish up my work so I can have a glass of wine and go to bed. Exhausted by this week already.
31 Jul 2014, 10:53 pm
