The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

Post Reply New Topic

Hi Prof! I wondered where you went! I came out of the closet where I'd been writing. Don't worry about me. I go off someplace and write for months then suddenly wander back out. Just be glad you aren't married to me. LOL

There is actually a funny that goes along with that trait, brain activity or whatever it is.

When dh told me we were getting married, he suggested we be engaged for six months. That earned him a blank look. He was going to go to Italy, get settled, come back and have some big wedding with me. I shook my head and said, "I know me and that will never work with me. If you go away for six months it will be out of sight, out of mind. By the time you get back, I'll have wandered off." We got married two weeks later instead. I told him two weeks was about as long as any human could count on me remembering them without constantly being around.

Now that is 25 years before I knew anything about Asperger's!

Hello, I am new to this thread.

I have been married once before for three years (I suppose you could call her NT, although she had a slew of issues). She eventually left me.

Several years later, I am dating another aspie. Although we have been dating only since October, we are both already thinking ahead to marriage. We fit together so perfectly, it is uncanny.

I am curious as others' experiences on an aspie-aspie marriage.

We're an AS-NT marriage, although TM has certain neurotic tendencies. (Ahem, Mr. Monk, anyone?)

When I reflect back on my single life, I think several of the ladies I dated must have been AS. But we always failed in our attempts at a relationship, for one reason or another ....

Woman are into relationships all the time.
Men [me] read relationships columns when something goes wrong.

Pre marriage I reckon I never developed relationships - why develop when everything is just fine.
I never passed the 6 week threshold.

[I cannot comment on my current marriage on pain of death]

Far be for me to push some bloke to the pain of death ! !??

But thanks for posting here ! !

Hi. After reading this entire thread, I have a question. I just got married to a brilliaNT man, very inventive, introverted, and organized. However he seems to think I have some sort of hidden motive for the things I say and do. He sees strange patterns in my behavior and then forms them into sinarios I could have never imagined. It's like he thinks this is a soap opra sometimes. He is aware of my AS, and I've explained to him that I have no hidden agenda. This would require me to be completely irrational and lie. I realize we speak different languages. Maybe I'm saying some horrible things to him in NT, when all I meant in Aspian was that I needed to brush my teeth shortly before bed. Problem is that I internalize the whole hidden agenda thing as a personal insultt and attack on my character. It really hurts. I've even tried telling him, but he just doesn't get it. Any advice?

^ maybe he is not so brilliaNT

Ok, there is the first part of the problem -- Newlyweds It takes time to get used to each other. When I have friends that are going to get married, I tell them before, that the first time I see them after the wedding I am going to ask them what they learned about their mate that they did not know before the wedding. It is amazing what turns up no matter how long & well they have known each other. There is an adjustment period and getting through it without holding major grudges is a problem. Please be understanding with your mate (and vice versa) during this period. Things will happen that will smooth out later as long as both parties are understanding about the adjustment period.

His "awareness" and your "explaining" are a start but insufficient. He needs to understand AS and your explaining is not likely to be enough. He sounds like the sort of person who will be better convinced if he self-educates. You might want to prompt his investigation but then let him do the study. I found the movie "Mozart and the Whale" most useful even though the degree of aspergers of the characters is mostly more blatant that my own. It might be useful as a starter in your case. Just getting him to look around on Wrong Planet might be useful.

Also be aware that, though he may be NT, being introverted and brilliant suggests that he is not average, I would expect his social skills are less than average and he may be trying to fit the facts as he sees them into a flawed explanation of his own making

You are right at the heart of the problem. The key to a good marriage is communication; and, from what I can see in your post, you are both impaired in that area (or at least functioning in different modes). Forget the feelings (at least for now) and stick to the facts. That is your best bet for getting through the adjustment period and getting this union running on an even and comfortable basis. If need be, find a counselor, but make sure that you can find one that understands the basis of the communication prblems that you both have before starting.

And just one more thing. Are you really sure that he is all that NT? The combination of brilliant and "introverted" would be two significant indications if someone was looking for symptoms of Aspergers. Not that we should see Aspies everywhere but the combination of those two characteristics certainly indicate an atypical personality. Even if we assume that those are his only two quirks, I would almost be willing to bet that he was a target for bullying in high school. Since that is a common experience for Aspies (boys especially ?) it might serve as an open door in increasing his understanding of what it means to have Asperger's syndrome.

Thanks for the advice, Outlander. For anyone else reading this, he is not purposely being insulting. He is simply reading me the same way he's learned to read everyone else, and it's not working. He's older than me, and he's a manager where he works. He does okay socially. He's just not a people person. I know he has some odd traits, but I don't think they add up to Aspergers. As for bullying in high school, he WAS a bully and also a defender of the autistic or disabled kids who were targets, if that makes sense. I think he's just an autie magnet. We're doing research on AS and therapy together.

Loathe and Marriage topic

I am jsut so glad I am not married anymore!

I agree that communication is important. Uber important. So is realising when things aren't your fault, and when things are both people's faults.

My husband he isn't an Aspie. But he has issues-- like depression and he is introverted. Well I'm one of those extroverted Aspies. So sometimes that can be akward. And there are times when our issues just clash. It might not matter what I do to work on stuff if my DH isn't working on his stuff.

I think counseling with a good therapist who is experienced with AS type stuff can help. But it would have to be someone good or really experienced.

Am disinclined to gratuitously splash my posts all over the place. However, given that a couple folks have perceived a particular comment of mine as being positive, thought I'd re-post it here (think first paragraph is what struck folks as being more "optimistic" in my assessment-I include entire post for proper context, though):

http://www.wrongplanet.net/posts77398-start15.html

Been married some 20 odd years or so, got two sons, one has Autism, the other is a ball head (likes sports, etc), strange I feel sorry for the ball head, since I relate to the Autism son better, and spend more time with him. I have to perodically take ball head to a game to keep him from feeling left out.

Have not read all of the replies, but here isthe analogy i tell my wife. We just found you have been speaking English and French -- no wonder we couldn't communicate. So lets learn Creole!

I always thought it odd that my parents slept in separate bedrooms. My Mum always said it was because my father thrashed around when he slept.
I do that now, and many times The Missus asks me to sleep on the divan.

The fact that my parents did this has sparked several conversations i won't repeat.

The sleeping in separate rooms or separate beds bit is a little unusual to me, but not unheard of or not understandable

Myself, 99% of the time I love to hug and cuddle with my wife.

The only exception to my enjoying cuddling is when I wake up from certain nightmares, and wife tries to calm me but I'm still half in the dream, and certain physical sensations remind me of the dream. This has caused an argument or two, but as soon as my wife is able to tell me what I did wrong (woman thing I guess) I quickly apologize and explain myself. She's still trying to get in the habit of asking if I want to be hugged or cuddled in bed, especially if I'm asleep or first waking up.

As of thrashing, I somehow don't do that. I sleep like a rock. It runs in my family as well. My wife rolls over every hour or so, and sometimes I have to "Negotiate" with her subconscious to return the covers when she wraps herself up in them while sleeping. A few gentle tugs and such kind of cues her in. We keep two comforters on bed now, overlapping in the middle so neither of us will end up in the cold now. This was originally to stay warm, but it worked out nicely, so we keep it that way.