Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

Post Reply New Topic

Escalating confrontations isn't any way to help children, and while similar, meditation and prayer are two different things. Meditation revolves around introspection, prayer is a search for reconciliation from adjoining realms. Some of the most devout Christians I know practice meditation along with their own doctrines. Of course you should confront him about the futile nitpicking, everyone has to do that sometimes, but make sure it's one on one. Resolution won't be achieved through complaint; you need to help your family see reason and dare I say, perhaps leave the theology out of it. Break it all down with cold logic and provide irrefutable evidence that your kids deserve tranquility and balance at home. Mindfulness is more important than routine.

It's too much for him to understand right now, but try to remember, Wrong Planet is an autism and Aspergers website, I and many of us here are Aspies.

If it's too much for you to confront him, though, don't. Change comes from within and will be about you leaving or making clear you deserve and will be respected. Some confrontation along the way, but it can't start there. You need to believe in you. And that means no begging for forgiveness for who you are; forgiveness is for God to grant us and if human beings choose to that is great, but we shouldn't be begging that's not what forgiveness is about and if you'd really done wrong by him, he chose to marry you, he chooses to stay with you, and it is up to him to love you. Or not. But forgiveness if you'd done wrong, that he either feels in his heart and freely gives or it isn't there at all. In my opinion.

Hang in there, breathe, and try to take just one small step today. No more.

Understanding can be very difficult for Aspies. We are smart in some areas and stupid in others.
You wouldn't expect a blind person to see something waved in his face, would you?

It is very hard for Aspies to find good jobs these days--we often get stuck in jobs that are ill suited for us--there aren't many jobs for those who aren't "people persons." In fact, I think it would actually be a better division of labor in a family for many Aspies to stay at home and raise the kids, while the NT people person gets a good job managing people. But, in many cases, that just can't happen--even though that would be best.

Many of the jobs that we used to do have evolved into team jobs better done by NTs, or simply disappeared.

I think he needs someone to teach him there is a no personal attacks rule in a marriage, and I don't think this is about his being an Aspie. He is being selfish and he's bullying her. It's not just failing to ask how her day was or taking turns in conversation or seeing she needs help its actively belittling her for power and control and whatever else may be going on. That's what I think anyway.

It may help to assess the way he thinks and get an expert in that sort of thinking.

For instance, Temple Grandin is an expert in visual thinking--if you wanted to teach her the rules of romantic relationships you would find someone who could teach her with pictures, rather than the usual verbal constructs.

It is the little things he does that drives me crazy. Like yesterday for example. He went to work. I stayed at home with my 3 kids plus 2 extra teenagers. The boys both had friends over for new years eve. By the end of the day I was exhausted. Cooking for extra kids, and taking care of the house. Making sure everyone had things done and done correctly before there daddy got home is tough. I call him every day to see what time he will be home because I have no idea what time he is coming home (he is self employed). If the kids and I are going to be held to a specific standard then I need to know what time he will be here. He just told me he would not be here for supper. So that meant after 5:00. When he got here he began to sweep the floor. I vacuumed earlier. (It was Thursday, I know, and we are supposed to do it on Weds, and I didn't) I waited till 4:00 to vacuum, it is hard to keep it spotless for any length of time. After I vacuumed the little one dropped pop corn on the floor. She dropped playdough. I made supper for me and the kids which made some mess. so when he got home he swept. I told him I already vacuumed, and he said "I never said you didn't" but he looked so angry the whole time he was sweeping. I told him "You don't have to do that room, I already did it" his response was "Well I'm gonna do it anyway, look at how much dirt I got off the other floor you already did." To me that said YOU FAILED.

The boys did all of there laundry (They wash, dry and fold there own clothes) even though they had friends over. They ended up washing 3 loads of clothes and drying them. I personally thought that was pretty impressive. How uncool to do your own laundry if you are a boy. But thy did it any way. When my hubby asked What did the boys do today I told him they did 3 loads of laundry, he asked "Well did thy fold it and put it away to." They did not. Again that says NOT GOOD ENOUGH. They will be doing that today. It is those kind of little things that that make life here more then we can bare. Those are not horrible things to say, but day after day it does get real old. It is a subtle way to say, FAILURE, YOU ARE A FAILURE. We are never good enough. Nothing we ever do is right. No matter how hard we try, the kids and I, it is never good enough.

http://www.asperger-training.com/as-and-relationships/
Here is a site that claims

The dynamics of an Asperger Syndrome relationship can be somewhat different than a conventional one with both partners needing to behave and think differently in order to get on with each other, work out each other’s needs and try to meet them as best as you can.

Obviously, this won't work unless both partners change...

There was a mess and he wanted the floor clean, so he cleaned. I don't know whether he wants to or can learn to have a better attitude, but I suspect he doesn't really know how without being led. I might say something like "Thank you dear, I know you like things neat, I try. Now can you please smile and remember how much we both have to be grateful for if you are......" And I'd try to be pleasant about it, let him see he can enjoy you and the kids or not and let him see and appreciate that you and the kids find happiness, whereas his way makes him miserable. I think you need to let go of responsibility for his being compulsive, that's his issue to deal with. And try to show irritation and convey what you want directly, but try not to say you did a bad job.

As a mom your job is to do your best to help your kids grow up happy and healthy and while a safe path through the house is needed, clean floors aren't, don't confuse his wishes with your values. Unless these are your values too.

I have ADD which I do not take medication for. Keeping things clean an spotless is difficult for me. It is not exactly important in my book either. Freedom and creativity come first, the need to love life and live it come next, and cleaning up messes come last.

In my husbands OCD kind of way, you clean above all else. If it makes you late then so be it, it should not have been that messy to begin with. Creativity had no place in life, it adds to mess. And Freedom, we know about freedom, someone has to have control, and it is him. loving and living life is fine after everything is clean.

We have very different conditions ( OCD vs ADD) and it makes it hard to mix them together and find a happy medium.

It may be that a typical marriage counselor will only make your situation worse, not better.

You need someone expertise in all your disorders to find a happy medium. Or, more likely,
figure it out on your own--or not... Or at least realize that the typical advice may be an ill fit for your situation.

The only other thing I have to say is that just because you have ADD doesn't make you wrong when you live your life and allow your children the freedom to live theirs. If you have different values about tidiness, yours aren't less than his and if you let yourself be pushed into acting as if they are, you'll stay angry and stuck is what I think. Recognize he wants neatness, but if you don't (and I wouldn't prioritize it either) than either he takes care of making things how he wants with civility or you go your separate ways. Again, just my opinion. And sometimes just giving him a room or two that's his way and the rest of the house for the rest of you works, too. That's if you both want to compromise. Hang in there, though.

This sounds like a situation where both symptoms of a disorder clash.

I can understand his need for neatness and it was driving him crazy that it wasn't perfect so he solved it by doing it himself which made you feel bad. What I see is there needs to be better communication like he could have said instead "I know you did your best and I am very happy you do try but I want to get the rest of the dirt so I can be calm and can relax."

Thank you very much. That is a good way to state that. My Hubby is always wanting to know what response to give. What does he need to say and what can I hear. That statement would meet both of our needs.

Normal people act differently depending on the situation--business/romantic/recreation.

But, it is quite likely that your husband does not--he has only one set of "rules" for interacting with others--whether it be with you, your kids, or his workers. Trying to pronounce judgement on whether this is abuse or unfair or whatever isn't going to be productive--it is what is--and I think you know that. What has changed is that there is more to do now that you have kids, and you have difficulty keeping up with everything that needs to be done. As you pointed out, the "rules" have made him successful, at least in one area where it counts a great deal, so this is going to make it really hard to change things.

So true. You may have hit the nail on the head. He is a vey successful and highly regarded business owner. How he runs a business and how he treats his employees is how he treats us. We are not employees. He doesn't pay me to put up with his crap either. Something has to give.

I just wanted to give you guys an update. I feel most defeated. I am still here. I feel like I must be so weak and spineless. I told my hubby it was over. I was done. He didn't accept that answer. I tried and tried to stick to my guns and say well I'm sorry you don't like this or that, that is another reason we need to be done. But to no avail. He still wants to work on things. I want OUT. HE keeps on and on talking about the future we have together or if we would just do this, or just do that, or if we didn't have these things in our way it would work out so much better. I don't know what to do, how to get away, how to escape. I just know I am not happy here. I feel so defeated all the time. I just want my happy self back.

You all have helped me so much. I thought you at least deserved an updadte.