Contact with parents

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Ilovesnails I admire you for surviving and wish you all the best
I was physically emotionally and sexually abused and neglected but nothing as bad as you describe you are strong and resilient never forget that

From 18 months I had no contact with my real Father until I found him at age 28. Used to visit him in Germany but haven't seen him in over ten tears since he moved to China, he will e-mail me once a year to say Happy New Year, that's about all I am worth to him.
Mother gave me away at 18 months for a few years, then put me in a Children's home, exposed me to severe abuse and humiliation at the hands of her new husband.
She rings me about twice a year but I wont go and see her, been over ten years since I saw her. I don't feel guilty, don't feel any attachment, if she wanted a doting son, she should have thought of that when she had the chance.

Thanks I used to be afraid to tell my story because it sounds completely bat sheet crazy. Now I don't even care. I'm glad there is a safe place to tell it without judgment. I'm actually really surprised at the amount of people here that don't talk to their parents. I always feel like I'm the odd one out because I don't know many who have stopped talking to their parents. I've also heard rotten excuses like I should forgive and forget and that she's my mother I should love her unconditionally and that we all make mistakes. I often wonder why people bother to say these things.

Thank you for sharing what must have been a very painful childhood experience. For what it's worth, I believe you completely.

Some people are quick to judge anyone who has limited or cut contact with one or both parents. Part of it is that children are seen to owe our parents for our existence and their years of care. This is a less obvious pressure in Western nations than it is in many Asian cultures, but it is definitely still there. Another reason I've speculated about is that many people see the bond between mother and child as something close to sacred, due to the woman carrying the baby in the womb for nine months and maybe some religious influence as well, although I don't know enough about religion to say for sure. This makes people so unwilling to believe that mothers can behave in the ways that people in this thread have experienced that we are disbelieved and assumed to be ungrateful, selfish and/or mentally unwell. Even if we are believed, we are expected to carry on the relationship regardless because, you know, She's your mother.

I don't bring this up to offer excuses for anyone who treats you like you're terrible for cutting off contact with your parents, only that it has helped me to understand where this pressure to respect your parents no matter what comes from. It is very emotionally and culturally based, things which do not always help individuals make the best decisions about their personal situations.

The test that's helped me is this: if your parent (mother or father) were some random stranger, or even a partner, would you accept how they treat you? Since there's no way in hell I would have continued a friendship or relationship with a person who treated me the way my mother did, it was time for me to decide what to do about it. I limit contact with my mother for the sake of my psychological wellbeing. Until I can find a way around the difficulties I have with her - and I accept this may never happen - that is how it will stay.

In summary: you have to do what's best for you regardless of what anyone else thinks.

It is a very good point that op made if you would not be able to tolerate your family as strangers you should not have to tolerate them anther wise. My biggest regret sometimes is when I ran away after years of abuse I did not run far enough and was found and brought back

My husband was not necessarily abused--nothing like you were--but he was and is treated badly by his parents. He has 2 siblings who have been the family "favorites" who get special attention and he has been slighted for years--financially, mentally, and emotionally. We don't say a lot about it to people who know his parents--who will believe us? They are basically nice people to everyone else who doesn't know them like my husband. I think his siblings probably see it but it is the elephant in the room. And there is stuff that his other siblings don't see. I don't judge you at all and i do believe you. Parents have a way of hiding nasty things they do to their kids at times. I don't know if his don't see what they have done, or if they don't care...and i don't guess it matters much. We do talk to them, but we have limited our contact and our children's contact with them. And it is on our terms, not theirs, now. We all get along much better that way.

I was going to make a post about what it means to go non-contact with parents and came across this thread. I don't feel so alone in my decision I made to protect myself and knowing others in similar situations have done the same.

But damn if this isn't a lonely place to be when the root of what should have been your supportive stable foundation was never really there for you or how you felt all along, it really stings.

I haven't spoken to my parents in 19 years, almost to the day. Smartest decision I ever made. Life has been way easier since.

I feel lucky that my mother left the state when I was 33. I'm about to turn 37 and haven't spoken to her or her husband of 24 years since.

It's completely my healthy, positivityly selfish choice. Without the gory details it's for the best. Sometimes it makes me feel selfcentered but remembering changes that fast.

I've learned that being on my own isn't as hard as I thought. It's come down to accepting limitations. Yes I have some dirty dishes and dust bunnies, setting up automatically paid bills saves lives, weekly allowance too.

Guilt is tricky, I feel guilty I don't miss them, or my extended family, as much as it feels like I should. There are other people I miss far more.

It's much easier to breath and be myself. I'm not going to be homeless in the immediate future. I've been at the same job in a growing market for 10 years. My stress is down, I don't need twice a week therapy or depression medication any more either

It can be done just be prepared to dust off your knees after a stumble.