The Married Aspie Cafe Thread (discussion of marriage, etc.)

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Well, at least she has a special interest that endears her to your husband. Sports is a pretty safe special interests - it might actually win you more friends and counteract introvertness and shyness. My father doesn't have an all-absorbing interest, but he is rigid in his thinking, very resistant to change, socially impaired and he stims like me and my little brother, rarely sitting completely still.

2 married Aspies, 10+ years, we have a habit of breaking marriage counselors (the record is 6 months before a screaming fit from the MC...always at my wife - I'm the quiet one...I'm gonna start a betting pool for the next one.)

Dunno. Kind of odd. We've been through lots of Aspie R/S books and when it comes to traits, it feels like we're dealing out a deck of cards. I'm pretty aloof, have communication issues, a passive communication style, extreme honesty, ramble, dress badly, low emotional affect, and sometimes a sing-song voice. My wife is super-blunt, has meltdowns, depression, sensory overload, can't multitask, communication issues, a very rigid communication style, a lot of trouble understanding long sentences, and very low empathy. I'm leaving out a fair bit - like my tendency to footnote.

My wife's been working on emotional control. I've been working on reminding myself to stay engaged in the marriage. We've both been working on communication. But, we've been having limited success with couples communication - not complete failure, just, limited success. Problem is that a lot of the recommendations seem geared at people with normal communication skills. For example, just going through the recommended steps to bring something up in a non-violent communication book triples the number of sentences. This confuses my wife. That, and the very low empathy can make explaining basic things pretty difficult. (Like, 'Oh, really, I'm so sorry, I never realized that hitting you with a bat would hurt your feelings. I'll stop.' She did - but the explanation took well over an hour...)

I'd be grateful for anything other people in similar situations tried that worked for them.

--Argyle

Although I married just last month, we have been together for over two years. We are both Aspie. We had some of our worst fights during the first year and a half. Most of it was him not seeing that his actions were causing me emotional pain, and us both being hypersensitive. We tried couples counseling but there were massive scheduling problems that made us give up on that counselor. She herself was game to try it, and we were motivated to work with her because she was older and experienced and we figured she would work will with us. But the clinic staff kept messing up our appointments so we had to give up on it. And there weren't any counselors around who were willing to work with adult Aspies. When there is a problem it will take me anywhere from several hours to a week to get him to understand me, and he hardly ever speaks up if I am bothering or annoying him, so we just have learned (and are still learning) to improv as we go along.

Hello everyone, I am 46 and have been married for 12 years now. Understanding is one of the key's but patience is almost if not just as important when it comes to our relationship. When I was diagnosed with aspie's it made my life make sense, and raised new questions. Parroting what you hear the other say works great for us. If there is a misunderstanding most of the time it can be corrected before it becomes an issue. I am not saying that it is a quick nor easy fix, it took us a few years and several long night's just staring into the dark and thinking before we got it to the point we are now, what ever you do, do not give up. Most people who know me would have no idea I have the issues that I have.
My biggest wonder ever since I was a child was trying to understand why people acted and thought the way that they did, of course now the reason why it was such an obsession makes perfect sense to me. I have learned how to act like an NT but did not realize until I was diagnosed that I was doing anything any different than anyone else. I also didn't realize to the extent how different my thought process was as well as reasoning skill's. The obsession with society, and every part of it did get me two doctorates, one in divinity the other in theology and both were accidental. Let me explain. I wrote a paper on the theological and social aspects of religious ideology and how it forms sociological idioms. It was for a long time friend as part of one of our long term theology discussions. He was part of a doctoral panel and submitted it to them to see what they thought. Well they not only awarded a PhD but one of those members submitted it to a different panel and boom there came the other PhD. So you can see what I mean as accidental.
To my point, sorry, the world we live in does expect conformity from the people in it. The majority of those in this world are NT and not aspie, so to no small extent we aspie's have to learn or adapt, if the other term is offensive, to function in an NT world. The same must happen when it comes to personal relationships. Most NT have issues with each other as it is so why would we expect ourselves to be any different as far as that goes. Some times I find thinking differently is to my benefit as I do not see some things they see and have issues with. One the other side of course is the stuff I see that they do not. My wife and I do still have some issues especially when I just can not see what she is seeing and this is where the patience is most important. On her part so she does not just get up and walk away in a huff, and my part as I do not brow beat myself for being "stupid". Oh and my favorite sentence to my wife and close friends goes something like this, " Does that make any sense" and is always when I have finished talking about something, just to make sure I said it so they understood the point I was attempting to make. Patience and understanding is key in a NT world.

I don't know where this is headed, but I've been married for 6 years (dated for 3 before that) to someone who is mean, hateful, calls me names, discourages me from getting ahead in life (job, school, etc.) and doesn't seem to like me all that much. Yet, when I try to leave he freaks out and loves me and worships me and is nice as can be...until he doesn't get his way the next time, and once again I'm a b**** or a c**** or whatever. He's said he wishes I would die, then gets confused when I kick him out and don't want to talk to him. He says it's because he gets frustrated when I won't talk (or have sex, or even eat the food he cooks) yet he rarely apologizes for going nuts on me.

It got worse when I brought up my possible AS. I have finally made an appointment to either get a dx or rule it out. Either way, I KNOW it's not me with the problem. I can't even begin to talk to him or explain anything before he cuts me off and gets mad. I know he has an anger problem and is verbally abusive, yet he denies it and says it's because I am so frustrating.

Not sure why I got married in the first place. The first 3 years weren't too bad, but I see the signs now. I am vulnerable to people who are nice to me, because I don't have friends and don't see my family a lot. Now we have a child, which complicates matters, but I want to protect the child from him and protect myself as well. Not sure where to begin!

I am intelligent, have 3 degrees, not terribly ugly, and I have my quirks, but overall I am an ok person! I don't deserve to be treated like this!

I was in an abusive relationship, had a child, and finally tried end the relationship because I was tired of putting up with disrespect. Plus, I didn't want my child to grow up thinking that this was normal behavior! That guy nearly killed me and my child. I now have zero tolerance for uncontrolled anger, and I suggest you develop this too. Nobody deserves to be trapped in a marriage that makes them feel bad all the time. That is not what marriage is supposed to be about. If you want to leave him for good, your first step is to contact a domestic violence shelter and ask for advice on how to do it. I am now happily married to a man who respects and loves me. I firmly believe that every woman deserves that!

Thank you! I already moved out of our house and rented a house. He technically does not live here so I can tell him to leave any time I want. He is not physically violent but I fear that day may come so I am taking steps to prevent that. I'm tired of being called every bad name in the book, and then some. I need to be strong this time and not let him back into my life. I know he won't change, and he thinks it's all up to me to change, which, as I know all too well, isn't going to happen. I like me and I don't need to change!

The marriage I had with my first husband was like that, from what I can hear. He never hit me, but he said and did a lot of terrible things.

Flimbok, I'm glad you moved out. Don't be afraid to call the cops if he shows up out of line. Protecting yourself and your child is exactly what you should be doing, and you are! Don't let him or any of his - or your - friends or family break you down.

I got married the first time trying to be normal. Stupid reason. I got married this time because I love him and he gives me a reason to live. That's the right reason. It's out there, and it's not just for neuro-typicals.

I don't talk to his family anymore. I tell them how he is, and they say no, he's too nice to do things like that. So they're basically saying I'm making this stuff up.

Good for you, flimbok1984! You have taken the first step towards independence. And to MagsMorrigan, I just got married in September of this year, and I feel that this time I got it right. And no, it isn't just for neurotypicals! We're both on the spectrum.

I don't know what to do. My wife and I have been married now for going on 3 years, together for 5. Before we were married, she was the person I could relate to, understood me, the first person I've ever been with who *got* me. Now, she's changed. She's withdrawn, she's depressed all the time, she's constantly trying to sabotage the relationship, but at the same time is EXTREMELY clingy. I don't know what to do any more. This is my second marriage. My first lasted 20 years to an NT. I had not been diagnosed as an Aspie yet (just found that out a couple months ago) but she put up with my quirks until a year before the divorce, then she snapped and wanted out of the marriage.
Help?