Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

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Forget taliking to him. He's obviously not taking you seriously. Time for action. I was in a nine year abusive relationship and I escaped by saving money and getting a small apartment. I didn't say anthing until I was ready to leave. I told him and I left. He was so stunned he hardly reacted at all.
In your case because children and property are involved, I recommend getting a lawyer. Your husband is a control freak and will fight, I'm sure. The lawyer will advise you what to do. I don't recommend leaving the house in your case, because you will have been deemed as abandoning it. You need him to leave. Again, I strongly recommend a lawyer.

It's not easy. I'd suspect he doesn't yet get the bit where aspies make life so hard for the people around them. Take the earlier post's advice about the lawyer.

I was married and raised kids back before I knew about it and drove their mother to the brink before she ended it.

androbot and peterd - Thank you both for your wisdom. I still don't know 100% what I want to do or even 90%. Maybe 70 % sure. I know that all the fault is not his and it is hard to distinguish what my part is in this. I have PTSD, and issues stemming from past abuse and rape. So that certainly puts a strain on things. I also have HSP (highly sensitive personality) and ADD. SO like I said it is not all his fault, and the Asperger's makes it hard for my hubby to be understanding ad supportive. He likes to makes things about him. So all my past issues are not about me, it is about how it affects him. I need my issues to be about me not about him. I can't recover from what happened to me, if I have to help him understand how it affects him and help him deal with that.

What is TOM? And no I have not checked out that site. I will though.

Theory of Mind
It means to have an awareness of the separate experience of others. Your husband seems only capable of awareness of his own experience.

you are 100% right. He has no ability to think of others. Here is an example... Just last weekend he was supposed to have a meeting after church and he got mad because one of the dads couldn't make the meeting. IT was his sons birthday and he was having a birthday party. Another dad was unable to make the meeting as well. His wife and 4 kids all had the influenza, the full blown flu. And he didn't call to say he was not going to be there even though everyone knew his family was all very sick. My Hubby was livid, and complained all the rest of the eveni9ng and into the next day because these 2 men couldn't not be part of the meeting. Finally on Monday, I told him "Good grief, enough already." I told him the way he would have handled those situations was wrong, and I admired these men for doing what was best for there families. I told my hubby had you been in a similar situation this is what you have done. You would have missed the beginning of your own kids party and stiffed me with the job of setting up and getting things going. If we wee all sick except you, come hell or high water you would be at that meeting, ad your sick wife and children would be on there own. And his answer to that was "YOU DAMN RIGHT I WOULD HAVE." Well I admire those men, guess who I don't admire. We don't mean sh*t to him.

Sorry yall, I kinda lost it for a min there, When the words flow they really flow huh. Please forgive my moment of weakness.

What's important to him is to have his world validated by others. Regardless of the cost to them. My abusive ex was like this. Everyone had to constantly work to keep his reality validated or he would lose it.

Do you think he believes he puts you first? If you're living with him you need to find something you admire.

The fact that you bring issues to the relationship doesn't make it ok for someone to say they care and not act with you in mind. You can try to be strong enough to hold things together but it won't be easy. And may not be possible, I just don't know.

I do think that maybe it isn't good to spend much time thinking about what's wrong with you, or him. Because even if nothing were wrong with him, if you aren't happy with him, you might not want to be with him. And blaming yourself for issues related to your PTSD just seems like you're being punished twice for something that was never your fault in the first place.

But as far as your saying his Aspergers makes it hard for him to be understanding and supportive of you, maybe so. I'm curious though whether you are experiencing us here on WrongPlanet as being understanding and supportive?

Absolutely. I find this site very helpful. I find the people who have responded to be sincere. They have good points and have made me think about things I would not have thought of otherwise. I can definitely tell that this is an aspie kind of site. I'm not saying that is a bad thing. Some of the responses I have gotten are definitely aspie, but others are aspies on a different level trying to help. And it has been helpful. I want responses form aspies. I want to know what they feel and think, because everyone's feeling's are important.

I'm glad it's been helpful.

If he wants to change, a couples therapist or something who understands aspergers might help.

Honestly, though, he has to first acknowledge that his behavior is hurtful to you and secondly has to be willing to change. Otherwise, he might make superficial changes, but it will be reluctant, it won't be genuine, and it won't last.

Lack of emotional empathy isnt a trait of autism. Cognitive empathy is. So it's possibly he's just an aspie who happens to be controlling.

To expand on this my dad is most likely an aspie. He was never diagnosed since it wasn't well known but he has all the traits. He doesn't get jokes. He takes things very literally. He's extremely detail-oriented. He can extremely stubborn at times.

But he is a good person at the core. He is always going out of his way to try and do little things for my wife since he knows on a cognitive level that it matters to her and he cares about her. He makes the extra effort because he is genuinely a good guy. He's worked on becoming more aware of other's perspectives. He can be very stubborn and strange at times, but everyone knows he is a good guy. It just comes through, despite his social blunders.

Aspies don't want to hurt people (in general). They want to do the right thing. If he knows he's hurting you and doesn't want to change, it might be time to move on. Well, you have to do what's best for you. Thats all I'm saying. Maybe give him a chance but if he doesn't change, he doesn't change

No matter how "special" your man is, it's a two way street here with the work put out to make the marriage happen! If he's slacking off on the job, and you're doing all the work (with seeking counseling, understanding him, etc, etc) then, he's not playing the game, and you've got to fire the player! Threaten with divorce, set an ultimatum, and make it happen! Autism is NO EXCUSE for slacking off!! (and I'm Autistic, btw) Good luck, lady!