Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

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Thank you all for your helpful responses. I am still up in the air on what to do. Though he has been doing considerably better. In the past few weeks he has "Said I'm sorry" for what ever it was. ex being to verbally aggressive on the phone, or being late, or drinking all the coffee. So that says he recognizes his part in the issues. He also has been letting me do things I want to do. If I wanna go outside and pet the horse I can, if I want to play on the computer I can, or even watch TV. That helps a lot. Not to say things have been perfect, but that is ok, no one or nothing is ever perfect.

I am having a difficult time trusting that this is real. It was just a few short weeks ago I told him I was done being married. So I expect for a short time things t be great and for him to be trying hard to show he has changed. It is just hard to tell if it is temporary or not. I guess time will tell.

I wouldn't just wait for things to fall apart again.

Is there anything you can do for him to make things easier? For both of you?

Did you read what you just wrote!? He "lets you" do these things! You need to get away from this person.

I wonder if you feel guilt for leaving him knowing that he has Asperger's. As in, if he didn't have it you'd feel justified in leaving him, but because there is a name for this behavior you feel like you should stick with him no matter if your needs are being met or not. I mean, you posted this on an Asperger's forum. Could it be that you needed validation from people who have this? I'm not saying that is the case, but should be examined.

I left my ex-husband. Not because he was a bad person, but because I finally found out that I couldn't give him the love and emotional support that he needed. When he told me that he could die tomorrow and feel like I wouldn't even care I realized that the relationship wasn't healthy for him. I believe everyone has the right to be with someone who makes their life better, and makes them happy. If you are not in a happy relationship where your needs are being met, what is the point of being in the relationship?

Seriously? Listen to yourself.

Very good point. I think you are correct. I always thought he was just being difficult, but now that I know he IS difficult and doesn't always mean to be that way, it somehow makes it different. In the past two years he and I have both found out things about ourselves. First he found out I had been raped a few years prior to meeting him and he continued to stay with me as I worked on those issues I had locked away inside of me. Then we found out he has Aspurgers. We find this out and now I am gonna leave. What kind of monster does that make me. I guess that is where I struggle the most, or maybe he has suggested that to me enough times that I believe it to be true. That's what hurts the most.

For the moment I am still here, I don't now how long I will be in this relationship, maybe forever or maybe a week. IDK.

You know, he could just be a dick. Having Asperger's is one thing, but you can still have a personality outside of that. And by excusing his behavior, you are enabling him to be a dick. Life is too short to spend it with people who don't make you happy. There are a lot of special people out there. Just because you found one of them doesn't mean that you have to stay with them forever. The point is to find YOUR special person.

If for whatever reason you do decide to stay, I'd suggest couples therapy. Most relationship problems stem from a lack of communication, and it seems no different here. I'd make it mandatory that to continue this relationship you both need to commit to couples therapy.

It's possible that self-esteem issues resulting from your rape caused you (subconsciously) to seek a relationship with a jerk.
Don't feel bad for one second if you want to leave this guy. Asperger's is neither a reason nor an excuse for the abusive aspects of his behavior. Being a controlling @ss is not a symptom of ASD.

That is what I am learning. When one has a history of rape or abuse, they often unknowingly seek out that "quality" in a relationship. That is what you have grown up with, what you have come to accept and often what you are content with in a relationship.

You are correct being an @ss is not a symptom of ASD.

You are right he might just be a dick. IDK. Maybe it is me who has the problem.

This sounds like unwarranted self-blame to me. Just from an outsider's point of view.

Let's say you have a very controlling person (for one reason or another, the reason is unimportant). It's the very nature of a good-hearted person to make excuses for them, to constantly try to see things from their point of view. On the one hand this is a wonderful quality to have that you should embrace. But you should also be a little wary that this could set you up for manipulation by other people.

I don't know I'm pretty ignorant about this stuff. But I do a lot of reading, so I may be off base.

In case you are wondering, it is highly unlikely that he knew he was an Aspie and didn't tell you.

He may have known he was different, as did his teachers, but back then there weren't any services to help Aspies. When I went to school the special classes were for folks with low IQs.

It wasn't until about 3 months ago that I got diagnosed. My wife didn't understand me and I didn't know what was going on. It has impacted out marriage so much we are still cleaning up the damage.

I knew in my heart and un the back of my mind my issues. I never knew it made the impressions on my life it did.

My Hubby had no idea nor did he think he was different. He thought he was perfect and wondered what was wrong with the rest of the world.

You are so correct. That is me to a tee. I always look for the good in others and give people a million chances and try to be understanding and think about why they do what they do. I make excuses for others and my Hubby hates that quality in me. HE doesn't understand that he should be happy I am understanding and that I give others s many chances otherwise he would be gone. I know it makes me open for manipulation. I have a VERY avoidant personality either due to life's circumstances early on or who knows maybe I was born with some of that as a personality trait to. It is a great blessing as well as a hindrance.