Hubby is aspie, he drives me crazy. HELP!!

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I am so sorry to hear that you guys are having issues. Believe me I understand. But at least for me having an official diagnosis made me a lot more understanding. We are still cleaning us the damage as well. 20 years of aspurgers and not knowing it has left a lot of damage indeed. Good luck.

Why did you spell aspergers with a u? Am I being paranoid or ar you trolling?

I think sometimes narcissism might be diagnosed as ASD. Sometimes I feel narcissistic myself. I don't know. I've got not clue.

I've been thinking about this a lot and I am incredibly confused. Just do what is right. I've got no advice.

Definitely not trolling. I have bad spelling. Spell check does not catch that one for me. I am a creature of habit. I have spelled it wrong forever. Trying to change that. It does not follow the rule of phonetic spelling. Sorry, I did not mean to offend.

After talking withour therapist, she has suggested that some people who are aspies, there are s many varyations, they often come off as narrcistic. They don't have the outward ability to show feeling for others. They often appear self centered. Internally they feel bad because others think they are selfish but they really in there minds are not.

I think what you describe is more than Asperger's. It can appear rude when I don't make small talk well or finish conversations promptly, that's Aspergers and I know I sometimes seem selfish or narcissistic. He makes fun of you and is demeaning at times about your distress and that may relate to stress he is under that is hard for him, but this is his issue and it's a problem for you and I don't feel it's helpful to make excuses. You want it to change, so appreciate him for everything you love him for. But hurtful actions are just that.

Very true. I need to appreciate him for every reason I do love him. But his hurtful actions are just that.

He appears narcissistic when he ignores my feelings... he doesn't recognize that I have feelings different from his.
He appears narcissistic when he only sees things in black and white. There is not gray and he's got to be right.
He appears narcissistic when he says things must be done his way and the way you do things are wrong even though the same outcome is reached.
He appears narcissistic when he is inflexible and the world around him could come crashing down but it is his exercise time and nothing can interrupt that.
He appears narcissistic when he must be home at a certain time and no one is ready to come home except him.
He appears narcissistic when he has to have a certain chair and someone else is in it and he is rude to who ever is in his space.
He appears rude in the things he says, ex instead of "excuse me" he says "get your fat ass out of the way" or "excuse me or could you scoot over" he says... "My God how much longer you gonna stand there in the way" or Can you set back I can't see if a car is coming" he says "Damn why don't ya move your big head or here's a new one ...help and tell me if something is coming."

Those are the kind of narcissistic things he says. He has little regard for others. He says these same kind of things in front of the kids or to the kids. I make it a point to tell the kids after he has left the room... How could you have said that differently if you wanted someone to move. Some times they say something equally as stupid but they are being silly other times they come up with good answers. I just want them to recognize this is not how you do it. They do. When they say something hurtful I remind them "Remember when your dad said blah blah blah to you that is what you just said to someone else. You made them feel like your dad makes you feel. My aspie son says so. He is like his dad and doesn't always get it. But the other two kids who are not aspies get it.

He does have some good qualities though. I 'm not saying they are all bad. It is just a different way of living.

An NT person might say, "Excuse me".
An ASD person might say, "Get out of my way," and not understand that this is less polite than the NT statement.
NO ONE, however, says, "Get your fat ass out of the way," and fails to understand that they are being rude.
Even people with ASD understand that calling people names is unacceptable.

True, very true. I am having a most difficult time telling if his traits are Asperger or a**hole. Me and the therapist made a list of Asperger's traits vs a**hole traits at one time to help me clarify. It is just so hard to tell.

Sorry,I didn't mean to be rude either.

You know, I'm actually pretty tolerant of people who are outright rude. What I have a problem with is phoniness. Let's say you yell at your husband for one reason or another? How does he react?

Yes, everyone yells from time. The more insidious aspects of emotional abuse are done through deliberate and purposeful gaslighting. This is really the most dangerous thing you have to watch out for. Honestly, I don't mind if some guy comes up to at random, and says I'm fat. It hurts a little maybe, but I get over it if it's obvious they have autism (obviously). What's really incredibly hurtful is deliberate and intentional abuse. And that is I think the huge thing that everyone needs to look for just because it is so difficult to spot.

I don't think the things most bothering you are Aspergers, but let's say they are. What do you want to do next?

I agree with the above. Those issues sound unrelated to Aspergers to me.

What do I want to do next? I am greatly confused. I don't know any more what I want to do next. Right now, last week and so far this week things are going very good. But I am afraid it won't last. It usually doesn't. Now my Hubby knows I am very serious about leaving. So things might take a turn for the better. No way to tell but wait. The therapist says I need to remind him when he says things that are out of line or does things that are out of line. He doesn't know if I don't tell him. That is soooooo much easier said then done. She said to say what you need to say ex. the kind of things you just said is what makes me want to leave. Then walk away. Don't stand and wait for a response.

I am unclear if the things he says are Aspergery or not s much. That is why I am coming to an Asperger site to gain insight from others with Aspergers. No one knows better how you may perceive things differently. I thought it was best to go directly to people who have the most insight.

I think you are right to come here, and it is confusing. So the insight I can offer if it's any help is that people are people, and we all hurt, we cry, we want, we hope, we......

So I encourage you to focus on you and what you want. Invite him along if he'd like, share with him that you like something, or don't. Keep your focus on YOUR goal, and your happiness, and not on being confused by what's inside his head.

And if he is doing something you don't like because of not understanding, because of being an Aspie, then you focusing on what you want will help him be less confused than you focusing on what he did wrong or why.

This shows that a) he understands which behaviors are unacceptable, and b) he is perfectly capable of doing better.
It shows that he is using ASD as an excuse to be abusive. If he were really incapable of treating you better, then it wouldn't matter whether you threatened to leave or not - his behavior would not change.

Thank you. What a nice response. It made me cry, in a good way. Someone understands. Someone understands and it is ok to be confused, it is ok to be sad, and hurt, and to want. Sometimes in life a little confirmation goes long way. At the moment I just need confirmation. I don't get any from my hubby. I am wrong, it is wrong. From the Therapist, I love her to death but I feel like I am wrong. Every time I go to Therapy I feel like I am looking failure in the face. She knows what he does and how he is and she knows how weak I am. It is a constant reminder weekly that she knows what I am. I know that is not an accurate depiction of how things are but it is how I feel.

Thank you. That is al I can say at the moment.... Thank you.

I understand people see it as weakness, but you can also see yourself as strong. I think you have a lot of strength and I can see some parts of myself in what you write. Let yourself be strong. Let yourself be you. It's ok to do that. Thank you for being so kind!

I believe my first husband was an Aspie. His father was an extremely charismatic community leader who abused his mother in every way possible. My ex was, in turn, extremely abusive to me. I think 85% of the problem was his upbringing, not his ASD. It was the ASD part of him that I liked. I have always felt relaxed and happy around ASD-type people.