There has to be more

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As a kid, I thought my life would mirror my older brother's. I figured I'd eventually get married, I would work in a stable career for 40 or 50 years, I'd have kids. Bland and boring, but safe. But I've never really gone in for “safe.” I follow what interests me. I live a fairly controlled and circumscribed life, but if I compare it to the lives of the people I am close to, it is certainly not “safe.”

There is a poem by Arseniy Tarkovsky quoted in his son's film “Stalker”

Now summer is gone
And might never have been.
In the sunshine it's warm.
But there has to be more.

It all came to pass,
All fell into my hands
Like a five-petalled leaf,
But there has to be more.

Nothing evil was lost,
Nothing good was in vain,
All ablaze with clear light
But there has to be more.

Life gathered me up
Safe under its wing,
My luck always held,
But there has to be more.

Not a leaf was burnt up
Not a twig ever snapped...
Clean as a glass is the day,
But there has to be more.

Arseniy Tarkovsky
(Translated by Kitty Hunter-Blair)
Quoted from “Sculpting In Time” by Andrey Tarkovsky

Yes, there have been bad moments. I can look back at this first half of my life and find any number of events that anyone would agree “that didn't work out quite as well as it might have,” but I have had a better life than a lot of people. I was well loved as a child and my parents and brother have always been decent people. I have friends who genuinely care about me. I have had the opportunity to continue learning and exploring in the work I do. But there has to be more.

So what do I look forward to?

How do I find my way in this life toward more knowledge? How do I learn to take a better photograph or write a better story? How do I love a person and actually show it? How do you make your way through life and add your little bit to the world, rather than dragging a broom behind you, rubbing out not only your own tracks, but what other's have left behind as well?

I might have an answer tomorrow, but I don't have one today.

There are so many ways to be alive and I can't think of one of them right now.

I'm 41 and I can relate. My life is nothing like I had dreamed it would be. I'm still living as sparsely and minimalistically as a college student. No progress has been made in that area. At least I do have a great relationship now and I'm woriking on moving my life in a more positive direction.

as for "There has to be more," there always does. I think everyone at our age wonders that, even the so called "successful."

I have had the very same questions about life. I always felt that there had to be more. Like I was missing something. Now I think it has to do with the fact that I really view life so differently from most people. Since my 20s I've wanted to know why we were put here and what our purpose was. Not that anyone really knows the answer, but it just drove me crazy for years.

Now I look back at my life and wonder what it was for. I have no children, I've lost both parents. I feel lost quite often, even though I have friends and had a successful career. Whereas many folks I know seem to have a direction in life, I do not feel that way and never really have. I've never felt like I knew what my options were or had dreams that I really wanted to fulfill.

I love to learn and read and study something I am interested in. But as far as thinking I am contributing something to this world, I just do not know how to do so. I desperately would like to feel that I have done something positive with my life and have made some meaningful difference, but I think the aspie-ness just gets in the way.

Maybe it is an age thing and many people feel this way eventually, I don't know.

But I definitely can relate to what you guys are saying.

I'm reading a book by James Hollis that says we're all missing the spiritual dimension. Could he be right? The book is Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life.

Gee, that's odd. I spent the first half of my life exploring the spiritual dimension.

Now here I am, an atheist with aspergers, trying to make sense out of it all without too much magical thinking.

I feel like the first part of my life was spent failing at being NT. I am really trying to give myself permission to let go of the feeling of having failed at everything I tried and thought I was supposed to be, and just scale back my expectations and just live. I thought my life would be a whole lot better, I am not even a mediocre person at this point. My life is pretty much a mess. I tried nursing school and failed at that too, I am trying to back for computers in the fall. I really don't know what to think about life anymore, except you are here and then you die and what the purpose is I couldn't tell you.

It took me a long time, but I finally figured out, that for me, being a truck stop cashier was supped to be one of my goals in life.

When I was in grade school--went to a Catholic school during the pre-Vatican II era, in the early 60's. Back then, about the only "vocations" available to women was nurse, teacher, nun, or mom/housewife. I got laughed at when I said I wanted to be an archaeologist. (Been a "grunt" on a few digs--dirty work, but fun--and have maintained a life-long interest in the subject. I guess you could call me an arm-chair archaeologist.)

But I diverge.

In high school, I came to realize I liked to help people.

Tried to go for a biology degree in college; gave it up--no head for the math.

Drifted from job to job over the years, before settling in (so to speak) at a local truck stop. I've held various positions: cook, porter, maintenance, cashier, customer. I eventually came to realize that altho I detest the end-of-shift paperwork with a passion (not to mention the exception reports to explain screw-ups & variances), I really enjoy being a cashier/customer svc rep.

This realization came to me when I realized just how many uncaring, inept, bumbling, & just plain STUPID people there are out there in the same job I have. I promised myself to be kind, pleasant, caring & informative to ALL my customers. Truckers run into so many b*****s, grouches, grumps, & idiots in the course of a week, that I came to believe that they deserve something pleasantly out of the ordinary. I know I get driven right up the wall by a stupid/ignorant clerk! I get numerous compliments on my kindness & positive attitude. They are universally shocked when I tell them that I NEVER charge for giving directions. Another shocker is when I tell them to quit apologizing for "being a bother"; I tell them that is part of my job & it's why I'm there. So far, I've been with my current employer for going on 10 years. Other jobs have lasted me anywhere from 1 weekend to 3-1/2 years. Wreaks havoc w/seniority, but gives a humongous skill base to draw from.

My way to "turn on" my attitude is like a stage actor being in character when they step on to the stage. As soon as I step behind the counter with my cash drawer to begin my shift, I'm "on" & "in character".

I realize that many (NT's as well as AS's) just muddle thru their lives, hoping they don't screw up too badly along the way. Being able to find your "true vocation" (as it was called back in the 60's), is, I think, part gift from the Powers That Be, and part just accident.

I know I rambled somewhat....just wanted to share my take on the subject.