HappyPaul wrote:
Like I said before, Women seem to do Platonic a whole lot better than Men.
Your partner doesn't seem to, judging by those logs you linked to. Platonic doesn't usually include having a crush on a potential sexual rival. And declaring it......I don't think I could do that while I had a steady partner - only time I have was when I had to give that as my reason for needing to stop meeting a lady I'd been getting a little too close to when I was married. And I also knew that if I could have feelings like that for another woman, there was something very wrong with my marriage. But I found that telling the lady only made it worse....encouraged by the proof of my weakness for her, she didn't find it too difficult to ease her way back into my life. I'm probably as safe as men get, but I don't entirely trust myself with other women. I still tend to imagine that nobody could possibly want me sexually, which lulls me into a false sense of security when I'm dealing with women, so I can easily underestimate the effectiveness of my charms.
She could be just fooling about, but either way I think she's being pretty irresponsible. If it were me, I'd delay any marriage deal until it's sorted out. I wouldn't try to directly stop her (though it might not be such a bad idea), but I'd make sure she knew that if she wanted a relationship that was
that open, I wasn't the right guy.
I think it's possible to have platonic friends, though I suspect it's rare. There's usually some kind of sexual awareness in me whenever I have much to do with women. It's not a lot of bother with most women because it's not normally anything like as strong as a crush, so usually I can pretty much dismiss it for the crap it is and get on with reality, but sometimes it's quite potent, especially if I've got serious problems relating to my official partner, and especially if the other woman seems to compensate for stuff that's lacking in my main relationship, or if I've been feeling especially lonely. Sometimes I think I'd do well with gay women....it must be great to feel free to be as affectionate to them as I want to be, without all the sexual tension spoiling things. I once had a promiscuous partner who had a gay bloke as a friend, and I sensed immediately that he wasn't after her the way most guys were, so I didn't have to hate him, and he was able to help her a lot without any sexual complications.
Don't know if women are generally better at platonic than men. I think they're often quieter about their sexual feelings, and maybe they feel the adultery taboo more strongly than men do (promiscuous males are seen as admirably successful, if somewhat sly, while promiscuous women are just seen as filfth). I think those old taboos still have a strong influence - even the most paranoid husband doesn't usually worry about his wife having dinner with her brother, yet there's no biological reason why relatives wouldn't fancy each other, as far as I know.
I guess it can be a really difficult issue........especially for Aspies who can't so easily sense what their partners and their acquaintances are up to. A neurotypical could probably ask the right questions and draw their conclusions from the body language. Time was when I'd just angrily threaten to dump partners who engaged in too much scary behaviour. These days I'd probably do much the same but without the anger featuring so heavily, I'd probably just explain that sexual loyalty was one of the most important things I'm after in a partner, and dump them if it didn't improve. In rare cases I might try the "what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander" tactic - start by just saying that, and if that doesn't work, see how she likes the same thing from me. Though it's not really fair on a third party, to use them like that just to fix a wayward partner.
03 Jul 2010, 6:04 pm
