Help! Husband's Way = The Right Way ( TM )

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Your input, questions, comparable experiences and insights about this are welcome and much needed.


Background:

Arriving on time and being on the road the minimum amount of time are important things for my husband. He also does not like to wake up any earlier than what is necessary. He hates being late, he hates others being late, and he dislikes arriving too early. He prefers to bicycle or drive and dislikes public transportation. On highways he generally drives 15-20 km/h over the speed limit (our speedometer shows 7-8 % under, so that is relatively safe re: speeding tickets). He has no diagnosis.

I like to get up early and have time to drink my morning coffee in peace, before the rest of the family awakes. I know that I straighten up things at home as a part of my morning routine (semi-compulsively), check that the kids have what they need, and almost always forget myself for a moment if I find something interesting to read or alternatively remember something to pack or print at the 11th moment, so I prefer to have enough time in the morning. I prefer public transportation, and if I have to drive I try to find a relaxed speed, making sure I will not get a ticket, and keep long distances to other cars if at all possible. On highways I generally drive 10 km/h over the speed limit (which is completely safe re: speeding tickets with our speedometer). My diagnosis is medium-severity ADHD, and I use Concerta during the work week and Ritalin during weekends and other not-so-demanding times.

During the school year I typically wake up 20-40 minutes before my husband, and he wakes up 5-10 minutes before the kids. Now we are all on vacation, staying in the same place where we have often spent our vacations before: in a cabin on an island, from which it is a 15 minute boat ride to the marina on the mainland, where our car is parked. From there it is a 20-25 minutes drive to our town's center (more during the rush hour, of course). Our vacation has only just started.


The problem at hand:

I don't want to tell my husband that I was 25 minutes late for my therapy this morning. Yet I will likely have to, to justify why I want to wake up half an hour earlier next week, to be on time then. I am now guessing that his response will be surprised, disbelieving and disappointed, like I must have done something wrong, as leaving the cabin one hour before my appointment time wasn't time enough.

To make this more real, I'll describe the route I take to therapy while on vacation.
1) walk to our pier, pack my stuff in the motor boat
2) take the boat to the marina on the mainland (today 15 min)
3) unpack onto the marina pier, moor and secure boat
4) walk to the car, take off boating overall, pack the car
5) drive to town (today 25 min), find a parking spot
6) walk to my therapist's office from where I parked (7-8 minutes if I want free parking)

We had talked about when I should leave (on my initiative), and I said that I probably should get out through the door at 8.45 (which in hindsight would also have been too late, but better than 9.00, which I managed today). Yet I could not bring myself to say that I want to leave at 8:30 and put my mobile phone to alarm at 7:00 AM – I set it on 7:25, instead. Despite the consciously shorter time, I could not stop myself from picking up stuff, emptying a shopping bag he had left in the kitchen, bringing in a bag that a kid had forgotten in the shed etc., and my morning was therefore too slow for the limited time I had planned. I actually considered skipping breakfast, but thankfully didn't, because that would have made me an unsafe driver. The kids woke up around 8, hubby around 8:30.

I did not show too much stress at the cabin (I hope) but I noticed that I was growing tense. By the time I got to my therapist, however, I was crying my eyes out. I realized that I self-censored my time window because I feel my need for time is unacceptable to my husband. After over 16 years together he still often reacts with surprise and questioning, wondering if all the time I need for activity X really is necessary. He will stop his counter-arguments every time eventually, if I can stay calm long enough and with light humor insist on that I want to do my morning / getting to place Y / studying for an exam in my own way, but he usually walks away from these discussions shaking his head in disbelief. And after 16 years that hurts. Why is this part of me not acceptable, why has he not learned to remember that this is who I am regarding time, why has he not seen that I am happy getting up early, that I don't suffer from early mornings, on the contrary? I understand that he has opinions about how we use time together and as a family, but when it is only about me - ? For example, he did not need to do anything for my trip this morning, I pilot also the boat myself.

I have talked about this time issue with him, also when we did couples therapy last winter, and he seems to get it when I explain, in a discussion, that I have different preferences from him in many things. Yet in the immediateness of real life he appears to have difficulties in understanding why I want to do something in manner X, when the “obvious and natural” way for him would be Y. Our oldest kid also seems to be developing a habit of saying to him “now you want me to be grown-up again” in situations that much resemble my experiences of this type with him.


It helped to write this down, but I'm still pretty much at a loss concerning how I will manage to avoid this type of time problems in the future. I must not self-censor (because that just doesn't work, as seen today), yet I don't want to keep hearing that my timing of activities is strange. Even hearing my husband say “I'm trying to stop myself from saying what I usually say at this point” or “Oops, I did it again, didn't I” would be a big improvement. Yet he does not seem to retain memories of the situations when he criticizes my use of time well enough to have an inner picture of his own behavior - it has to be a really big fight for him to remember it at all, and he says he usually only remembers - in a patchy manner - how he felt during it. He remembers very few words (his own or mine) and sometimes he even forgets what the issue at hand or cause of the quarrel was.

Any ideas where we could go from here? Any questions? I have likely forgotten to mention something relevant, I usually do when I am just starting to deal with an issue.

I would seriously go talk to the people at the Delphi Forums.

AS and Their Partners and AS and Relationships That Work are constructive places to talk about these issues.

My understanding of the situation you've described is that you underestimated the time it would take you to arrive in time for an appointment. That was the first time you'd made the journey from your holiday location and you need to adjust your departure time to ensure that you're not late. As you've now actually made the journey you can more accurately estimate a realistic departure time which will work for you and give you some leeway for minor tasks which you may have before you leave.

It seems to me that you are being entirely reasonable here, and planning well to ensure you're not late. You don't have the problem, but your husband does have a problem and you are trying to accommodate his unreasonableness - which seems to be a practice you've developed over many years, despite attempts to have him recognise and take responsibility for his, to me quite bizarre, expectations of you.

I think you should just tell him that you have now revised your departure time, having made the journey once and now knowing how long each stage takes. That's the obvious thing to do, but it seems that this is a problem for you because you know from experience that your husband will react badly.

Do you tend to get involved in long-drawn out and ultimately fruitless discussions about things like this? What would happen if you simply said that you would be leaving at 8.30am?

Your only problem is that you don't have enough self-esteem/confidence. Your husband sounds like kind of a jerk, but that's his problem, you don't have to make it your problem. Whether he wants to change is up to him, not you, so you just have to learn to deal with it. Why should things change after 16 years of his inconsiderate behavior?

In the meantime since your husband is such drain, you should look outside of your marriage (hobbies, work, affair, etc.) for sources of self esteem and confidence. You have to stop making letting your sense of self depend what he says and what he thinks.

I hope it occurs to you what a huge hypocrite he is... Someone who is too much of a space cadet to remember conversations with you criticizes your for taking time time to do things?? This guy almost sounds brain-damaged. Year after year, he still gets surprised and annoyed by the way you do things... how does he get by with his goldfish-like memory?

So, in answer to your question, in order to avoid problems in the future, get a divorce. He's always going to be a drain on your self-esteem because that's just the way he is. I suspect you probably don't want to get a divorce, staying married probably has significant financial benefit for you, so you will have to get your self-confidence from somewhere else. Getting satisfaction out of your interactions with him would be like getting blood out of a stone.

I would also be concerned about your kids. Being raised by such a guy is going to scar them psychologically for life. Maybe that sounds like an exaggeration, but it wouldn't be the end of the world, maybe not as bad as being raised without a father at all, but that is pretty much fact.

His behaviour is unreasonable. Perhaps to say it's your time because it is. I know that if someone takes my alone time away, I get really really stressed (lots of crying and not being able to sleep much). Everyone needs space to be themselves.

Perhaps to try talk about this when neither of you have things to do would be a good idea. If he starts to get mad, explaining that you're not talking about it further may help. If he won't stop talking about it, it may work to try ignore him until he calms down.

This time in the morning seems to be the time you give yourself to be you, during this time you are not called by your children or husband unless something is wrong. This is something I've heard all parents need to do to be at their best but that people feel guilty about letting themselves do.

Interesting.......the information regarding how much pressure and disapproval he lays on you for being a bit quirky is rather scanty, though his expression of surprise and disappointment really seems to get to you. Not that I'm saying his reactions don't exist. Sometimes these things can be quite subtle but still very effective, and it can be very wearing.

It took me years to get used to saying no to my wife. At first I thought it was just me who was too softhearted and couldn't bear the thought of having to pour cold water on her ideas, but as I began to respond more robustly, she would start to get quite angry. That's when I realised that there was indeed force behind her superficially "soft" requests. It took even more years to get to the point where she understands that I don't necessarily do just what she wants.

It seems to me that you're pandering to him too much........I think he needs to learn that you have a mind of your own and that pulling faces isn't going to change that.

Honestly...

1. If you have to take Ritalin to do your job, your job is probably boring to you.
2. If your husband were my husband I'd probably tell him to (explicative) off, by now. I'll be late for my own appointments if I want to. Then I'd tell him to get off my case and go get a hobby.

I'm not saying that's what you should do. I'm just saying that's what I would do.