Expectations

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Ever felt that you were living the life others expect of you?

I know it seems melodramatic, but I have spent so long pretending to be happy, pretending to enjoy the common interests of others, hiding my idiosyncrasies and sensory overloading issues and pretending to enjoy the company of others that I have lost myself in the mix.

I have been fairly successful in my duplicity. It is obvious that I don’t quite fit in to the norm. I know people see me as eccentric (most of the people in my family are a bit odd, so those characteristics I am unable to completely suppress don’t stick out quite as much as if I was part of a “normal” family). However, I have done well enough not to raise too many suspicions. I have people who consider me a friend (not to be unfeeling, but I could do without them for the most part), I take part in family events and feign interest in the lives of others. I have hobbies to which I commit time in an effort to get out of the house and not to be a total recluse.

It’s not that I think my family would think less of me if they knew I am an apsie or that I am depressed. I just don’t want to raise their already heightened concern for my life. My mom, for one, is already overly concerned with my loner status. She is afraid I am going to live my life in miserable solitude and so is constantly pushing for me to “mingle” with society.

Their efforts at making me happy (by encouraging involvement in NT activities and social scenarios) and my efforts in complying with their suggestions have made my life a farce. They want me to be happy but our roads to this goal follow opposite paths and I force myself to follow theirs, thus practically ensuring that I will never be happy.

Sorry for the rambling. I just feel lost.

Dear bonuspoints,

I don't know what to tell you.

In a way, I think your family is rigth to push you a little to mingle with society.
I hope it's not too much for you. And also that you find the good people (for you) to be with.
It's no good to be reclusive at such a young age - nor at any age.

In another way, I want to tell you that you'd better remain true to yourself.
Or else, the risk is high to fall in a severe depression at a time or another, which would make life harder for you.

Have you already tried to tell your mother about how you feel and how you would like to live your life?
And how her "pushing", even with the best intentions, are too much of an expectaction for you - at least for the moment?
Does she know what would make you happy? I mean: really happy.
Do you know it yourself?

Also, I wanted to ask you: are you independant, living on your own?

I am financially independent and have been since I graduated college. I do not live alone, I own my home but split the mortgage and utilities with those who live with me. We share the house, though at least 90% of the time I am alone in my room.

I share very few of my thoughts or feelings with my family, and my "friends" hardly know me at all. And yes, you are right, I hardly know myself (my signature quote below is from Emerson and seems to put into words my state). I don't know what will make me happy which is one reason I don't confront my family. I can't tell them what I want because I don't know myself.

All I do know is that I am most comfortable in solitude.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Are you happy & content when you are alone? If so, don't worry too much about what anyone else thinks. If I were your dad I'd rather you be alone & content then living a more "normal" social life but unhappy.

Just explain to your family that "It's OK, I'm happiest this way. It doesn't mean I don't love or care about you, this is just the way I am." Hopefully they will be understanding enough to let you be you.

Oh yeah. Don't forget to call your mother once in a while. They like that sort of thing. : )

Thanks, granatelli. I am pretty good at the little displays for my mom, I've learned over the years what gestures comfort her. I have dinner with her once a week, I send her flowers on special days (she is over-the-top crazy for flowers) and I have taught her how to text message so she can stay in touch but I don't have to endure talking on the phone (can't stand talking on the phone with anybody, I need body language to pick up on the cues I miss by voice, phone conversations are very uncomfortable for me).

Unfortunately, I don't think my mom would be able to accept that I would be happier alone. Since I rarely show emotion, she already assumes I am hiding my true feelings and simply putting on a brave face when dealing with my miserable state of social isolation. (Though, she is right in thinking I am hiding things, just not right on what ).

Xena4, don't take this as me being confrontational, I just want to ask because you expressed an idea that most people (myself excluded) seem to share: why is there such a negative spin on being a recluse?

Why is it good for me to mingle with society? It doesn't make me happy. I go places and do things with my family and "friends" but, to me, the activity or place isn't improved upon by them being there. I would enjoy it just as much (or little depending on the activity) if I were alone and perhaps even more because I wouldn't have to concern myself with how they were getting along.

I am just trying to wrap my head around the idea of a social necessity. Thanks for your input!

Well, since you're getting things from it, it's fair enough to give something else in exchange.

Barfly to Bukowski; "Do you hate people?"
Buk; "No, I just feel better when they're not around." : )

Seriously. Check out the writing of Charles Bukowski. The ultimate "I wish everybody would just leave me alone & mind their own business" guy.

Hi Bonuspoints,
just to let you know I'm out here struggling with the same dilemma. Have spent my whole life doing what my parents, and others, expect me to be/do because that's what is normal. And it's gone on for so long I have no sense of self, just that I know I'm not happy and I'm not really living and I feel empty inside...I told my mom I might be an aspie last night...in some ways if you told them then maybe they would be more understanding? Or at least not blame themselves/you because there is a "reason" for this?

Thanks for the replay am suomi, your description is exactly how I feel! I am actually in process of receiving a professional diagnosis because I think this would help my family accept the idea more (I don't particularly need the professional diagnosis, I am sure I am an aspie regardless of what they decide).

If you don't mind telling me, how did your mom react to the news? Do you feel better having told her?

She kept on saying "that's interesting". She must have said "that's interesting" about 10 times. I feel bad for her. She tried, I know she loves me and is concerned. It might make some sense to her. She remembered that 4 years ago at my grandfather's 90th birthday party I just sat in a chair, and then talked with my sister. But my aunts and uncles I didn't know too well (we are not a close family), I had trouble talking to them. So I just waited until my very talkative cousin came by and let him talk straight for 30 minutes because then I didn't have to talk. The rest of my family can't stand talking with my cousin because he just talks and talks but for me it means that people looking at me think I'm engaged in a conversation so I am happy to just stand there.

But really I can't tell how she reacted. It was on the phone. She may have been choking up. But I think she knows how hard it is for me to talk about emotion and stuff so really I just had to blurt it out "Yesterday the therapist thought I might have AS". She was a teacher, so she is aware of different disorders, ADHD and what not. She just never thought one of her own. And I guess I have been good at acting and what not, so she and my sister think I am too well adjusted socially, but really it is all awkward, uncomfortable behavior, and looking back, it did not come naturally and personal interaction is more of an intellectual study.

Then she said she sees some of the traits in my father (he does not feel comfortable around new people, and he really only relates to people in his sporting activities).

I think she took it ok. I feel better having told her, because maybe she will back off a bit and just let me be myself. And maybe if she does feel guilty about my upbringing (like it is her fault I am anti-social or something) she will let me be. But the one thing i did stress is that it was not her fault that I was not diagnosed...because I don't want her and my father to get upset that I didn't receive treatment. When I was growing up (29 now), I don't think I would have been diagnosed. I was an exceptionally quiet girl, who did exceptionally well at school so why would there be anything wrong?

What would be the worst part of telling your mother?

Well, my main concern is hurting her feelings... I think she will be hurt that I didn't confide in her sooner and that I'm still not comfortable talking (about anything really).

Also, she is overly protective as it is (I'll be 28 in November and she still treats me as a teenager) and I think finding out would amplify this.

These are just the reactions I can predict, the fact that I really don't know how she will react is the worst part.

I think I often don`t tell people stuff for the same reasons--fear of reaction and thinking I should have told them sooner (example: haven`t told my best friend, male, about the guy I have been seeing for about a year. And as time goes by it keeps getting worse and i know I should say something but I don`t).

Maybe she would be more over protective in some ways, but just let you be in other ways (like socialization) because she may finally realize what makes you happy is not the same as what makes her and NTs happy. Or you could try to use AS to limit her behavoir, e.g. `because I have AS, I will be upset when you do...` but that could upset her too so who knows?

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.

- Shakespeare